Walk A Mile
by KuriQuinn
Summary: Sakura always wanted to be close to Sasuke, but this is ridiculous! While returning home from a mission, Team 7 are victims of an unexpected change in circumstance that forces them to see each other in a different way. With secrets shared and truths revealed, the entire future might end up changing as well. [AU from Land of Waves, Canon-Deviation and Possible Fix-It Fic Tendencies]
1. One

**Disclaimer: This story utilizes characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz Media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelizations, comics or short stories is intended by the author in any way, shape or form. This fan oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. All fiction, plot and Original Characters with the exception of those introduced in the books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn and using them without permission is considered rude, in bad-taste and will reflect seriously on your credibility as a writer. You will be roasted by an angry, _chidori_ wielding Uchiha should you be found plagiarizing.**

 **Warning: _Spoiler_ Although this takes place in the early episodes of the anime, and is in the broadest sense an AU, there will be spoilers for information given (up to and including) Shippuden, all movies, Gaiden and Boruto. If it's been published in the canon, there is a good chance it will make it in here. **

**Canon-Compliance: Takes place during Team 7 _genin_ days. Between the flashback in _Naruto Shippuden Episode 181_ and Tsunade's Return around _Naruto Episode 100_. Basically everything is AU from after the encounter with Zabuza and Haku.**

 **This chapter was beta-read by : Sakura's Unicorn**

* * *

When the Third Hokage originally discussed the idea of Kakashi training a team of genin, it was framed in the form of a non-negotiable mission: keep an eye on two of the village's most volatile young inhabitants and make sure they don't accidentally destroy the place.

His Sharingan made Kakashi the only jōnin capable of keeping them both in line – at least that's how Lord Third justified it. Given some of the utterly ridiculous shit he puts up with from his pre-teen subordinates, however, Kakashi suspects that someone in the village administration wants to see him squirm.

That's not to say he dislikes his squad.

Not as much as he did when he first met them, at least.

Despite the occasional mess-ups, the kids have been doing pretty well. They've all come a long way from the misfits he was assigned all those months ago.

Sasuke was impressive to begin with, but since awakening his Sharingan, his skills have become even more so.

Naruto's abilities grow exponentially with every mission – even if he's still more of a knucklehead than anything near Hokage-material.

As for Sakura, who used to be so boy-crazy (well, she still is boy-crazy, but only for one particular boy), she has shown definite improvement as well. Kakashi doubts her teammates have noticed; after all, Naruto and Sasuke's friendship is based on a rivalry that leaves no room to acknowledge others. Yet no matter what, Sakura is always on hand to support her stronger teammates.

More and more, she reminds Kakashi of Rin. Considering how talented his late friend was, he has high expectations for the pink-haired kunoichi. He just prays that her teammates will learn to better appreciate her. The shinobi life is full of heartbreak, and he realised far too late what Rin meant to him. He hopes neither Sasuke nor Naruto will ever have to see their teammate's blood on their hands.

The point is, all three are growing every day – to the point where he has been seriously considering recommending them for the upcoming Chūnin Exams.

And his regard for them grows as well.

There are days, like today, when Kakashi reflects that this is what it must be like to have children.

And it's one of those days he's very glad he doesn't actually have any.

"Moron! Stop walking in front of me!"

"I'm not walking in front of you! You're the one dogging my footsteps! You don't like it, you can be the one to lead the ostrich – believe it!"

"If you try to give me that rope one more time, I will shove it up your –"

"Oh, I so dare you to try it!"

"Naruto, would you knock it off? You've been at it for two hours!"

"If Sasuke would stop being such a bastard –"

"If this useless idiot would stop getting in my way –"

"CAW!"

 _Thock! Thock!_

"OW!"

"DAMN IT!"

"Oh! Sasuke! Are you all right?!"

"Just leave me alone…"

"Oi! Sakura, I got pecked too, you know!"

"If you'd stop pestering the bird, you wouldn't be causing all this trouble!"

"I'm not the one causing trouble! _He's_ the one who needs to learn to pull his weight!"

Kakashi exhales slowly, counting to ten. When the bickering continues, he does it again, only backwards.

Somehow, against all laws of nature and time, their return-journey to the village – which shouldn't take more than a few hours – is dragging into its second day. Even though the kids (and the ostrich) recently vented some of their pent-up frustrations on a hapless gang of thugs, they still have enough energy to goad each other on.

"–dimwitted, loud-mouthed, dead-last _moron!"_

"O-oh yeah? Well…well, your hair looks like the ass-end of a duck, and your face scares small children!"

"Sensei?" Sakura beseeches, peering up at Kakashi hopefully.

"Relax. They won't actually kill each other."

They watch the two boys do their best to knock each other out, all while dodging – and failing to dodge – savage jabs from the large, bow-tie clad bird of prey.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Not really."

"Kakashi- _sensei_!"

"Right," he sighs, remembering that, for all intents and purposes, he is supposed to be the responsible adult here. "Intervening."

For a moment, Kakashi considers the merits of running an electric current underground to shock them all into unconsciousness. Except, while that would lead to well-deserved peace and quiet, it would also create the problem of having to carry three passed-out genin and a sociopathic ostrich.

 _Maybe not then,_ he decides.

"I think it's about time we stop for the night," he announces, nodding his head toward a copse of trees away from the main road. It leads into a densely forested area that will, no doubt, provide, decent cover for the night. "It'll be dark soon."

"We should just keep going," Sasuke points out, Naruto forgotten. "We can make the village in a few hours if we don't stop."

He doesn't bother to hide his impatience to return to the Hidden Leaf. Ever since their encounter with Zabuza in the Land of Waves, Sasuke's been more determined than ever to improve his skills. It would be a worthy goal if Kakashi didn't know the exact motivation behind it.

"Sasuke's right," Sakura declares with a toss of her hair. "We might even finish the mission on time for once." In a smaller voice, she adds, "And I _really_ want a bath."

"And I want Ichiraku ramen!" Naruto pipes up, earning him a swift peck from the ostrich. "Ow! You stupid bird! I swear, if you do that one more time, I'm gonna turn you into a pillow! Believe it!"

"Naruto, stop bothering the ostrich."

"Me? I'm not the one who keeps starting it!"

"Ugh. Can you _try_ to be the mature one for once? If you ignore it, it'll leave you alone!"

"Says the only one this stupid feathered psycho hasn't gone after yet! Right, Sasuke? Back me up here!"

"Not getting involved," Sasuke snorts, and then swears when the bird lands a vicious strike on his head too.

The situation is rapidly devolving again. How these three haven't attracted an entire squad of enemy ninja yet is a mystery.

Kakashi sighs.

"We're not travelling any more tonight until everyone's had some time to cool their heels. Also, if Mr. Ostrich here manages to escape, he'll be harder to find in the dark. I don't want myself or Sasuke exhausting our Sharingan trying to track him."

"I guess that makes sense," Sakura admits.

For a wonder, there's no more arguing. His students allow him to lead them to the forest cover where they find a clearing far enough from the road to avoid attention. While Naruto loops the bird's lead around a low-hanging tree branch, Sakura sets up their sleeping bags and Sasuke builds the fire pit. After so many missions together, there's an unspoken routine to settling in for the night –

"Damn it, Sasuke!" Naruto howls, rubbing the spot where his head connected with a log. Sasuke passes by, unconcerned, carrying an armful of fuel for their campfire.

"It's your own fault for being in the way."

Kakashi sighs.

 _Every time…the same routine arguments._

"You did that on purpose!"

"I did not. You're just clumsy."

"Am not! And even if I was, you could've moved to avoid me, Mr Super Eyesight!" Naruto's face is red with anger. "You're telling me you can avoid shuriken being thrown at your face, but you can't take a step to the left not to hit someone in the head?"

Sasuke carefully stacks the wood within easy distance from the fire pit. "You should have better reflexes."

"Yeah, Naruto," Sakura chimes in, hands on her hips.

Naruto turns, if possible, redder now that Sakura has joined in. He marches forward and plonks himself down in front of Sasuke, who continues to pretend he can't see or hear him.

"Know what I think? I think you're going blind – believe it!"

Sasuke glowers.

"Yeah," Naruto continues, looking smug and jabbing a hand within inches of Sasuke's face. "Or your Sharingan's really just all about luck, and you've been lying and showing off. That's _so_ something you could do."

"Get your hand out of my face."

"It's not in your face," Naruto taunts, "but it's about to –"

Several things happen in quick succession.

Naruto reaches toward Sasuke's head, ostensibly to poke him in the forehead. Sasuke, however, sees it coming and reacts instantaneously, twisting his teammate's arm. In a move that wouldn't be out of place in a brawl, he swings him around until Naruto is facedown on the ground, a knee in his back and arm locked.

"Don't do that!" he snarls, as Naruto howls in pain and surprise. There's a minor cracking noise, like bones being twisted to the point just before breaking.

"Sasuke!" Sakura gasps, sounding as surprised as Kakashi at the level of brutality.

At her voice, Sasuke blinks and comes back to himself. He lets go of Naruto, who splutters in the dirt.

"I'm…going to check the perimeter," the Uchiha boy says, not offering any kind of explanation before disappearing into the trees.

 _Well. That was…new_ , Kakashi muses. The boys do fight, but never with such vicious intent. _It might be time for a one-on-one chat with Sasuke soon…_

"Hey, Sasuke, wait up!" Sakura cries, disappearing into the trees after him.

 _Then again, there's a better chance he'll open up to her._

Naruto gets to his feet and glares in the general direction his two teammates disappeared to. He looks angry and bewildered, obviously trying to figure out exactly what just happened, but also trying not to look bothered by it.

Kakashi remembers what that feels like.

"Not going after them?" he asks, raising his only visible eyebrow.

"No way. It's Sakura's turn to deal with the big jerk," Naruto grumps, crossing his arms petulantly. He winces and stretches the arm Sasuke held not minutes ago. "I just wanna kick back and relax and do _nothing_ for a few hours."

"Well, that's definitely not in the cards for you. If you're not going to make sure this spot is safe like the others, you can dig the latrines for tonight."

"Ugh. Fine," Naruto grumbles. "Anything's better than dealing with that bastard when he's –"

"CAW!"

There's a snapping sound, and the rope that so recently tied the ostrich to the tree breaks. The bird wastes no time in taking off, and Naruto swears.

"Oh, _come on!"_

Then he's darting off into the trees after it.

Kakashi glances around the now-deserted clearing, still in the process of being set up for camp, and chuckles. "Well, at least it's quiet for now."

Considering his team, he knows it's something that won't last; as such, he feels no guilt whatsoever pulling out his battered and well-loved copy of _Icha Icha Paradise._ Who knows when he'll get another few minutes to himself?

ナルト

Sasuke isn't surprised when Sakura follows him.

Of his entire squad, she's the most predictable and the most annoying. Even Naruto knows when to leave him alone, but the irritating girl just can't take a hint.

Although, she also happens to be the easiest of the bunch to ignore, so he supposes it could be worse. As she trails after him, tentatively trying to ensure he's all right while going on a mini-rant about how immature Naruto is, Sasuke tries to sort out his thoughts.

It's not that he doesn't agree that the blond boy is a pest, but that's not why he lashed out at him. Sasuke doesn't like to be touched on a normal day – he tolerates Sakura on occasion, and he's more than happy to trade blows in a fight – but when Naruto's hand got close to his face, Sasuke experienced a disturbing flash of memory. He could almost see Itachi's fingers reaching forward to tap his forehead, could almost hear him murmuring, _"Maybe next time."_

His body moved of its own volition, as it often seems to do lately.

He tries not to think of the implications of his mind forming a link between Naruto and Itachi.

Sakura has noticed by now that he isn't replying, but instead of lingering in awkward silence, she tries to fill it with inconsequential chatter. She does that a lot, especially when he and Naruto fight. Despite having chosen the shinobi life, Sakura doesn't like conflict.

Sasuke needs to figure out how to convince her to leave him alone. Preferably in a way that won't have her start crying or something. If that happens, he's sure to have the blond boy on his back.

The useless idiot's crush on Sakura is almost as pitiful to experience as the infatuation she has with Sasuke.

No, he's not oblivious to it. He just doesn't have time for a simpering girl's stupid feelings, or her prioritizing of looks and socializing over becoming a strong ninja.

That's not to say he can't recognise her other attributes. Messed up priorities aside, Sakura is a kind-hearted and good person. She's the most innocent one on the team, her violent temper notwithstanding. He finds a secret, uneasy comfort in the knowledge that she's always looking out for him. Since the massacre, Sasuke hasn't had anyone keeping an eye on him, except occasionally the Third Hokage. He's pretty sure the old man does that for every orphan in the Leaf Village, including Naruto.

Still, whatever little bit of warmth or gratitude Sasuke might feel for his teammate, he can't allow himself to give into it. She's just one more person he'll lose when he finally becomes strong enough to hunt down Itachi.

And kill him.

He doubts Sakura will look at him with the same annoying adoration if she knew he meant to kill his own brother. He just can't understand why a smart girl like her can't figure out that she's wasting her time on someone who has no time for matters outside of his vengeance.

Because Sakura _is_ intelligent.

He knows for a fact that she's beaten him on every written test they've ever had at the Academy. Only her negligible talent when it comes to mastering more than basic ninjutsu kept her from attaining the coveted status of top student when they were in school. Back then, it suited him fine because it was one less obstacle on his path to becoming the best.

Now that she's his teammate, though, it's different. Her deficiencies mean he's often the one who ends up having to protect her. Which is a waste of everyone's time, but especially his.

Hell, even Naruto can hold his own long enough for back-up to arrive, when he doesn't take care of the situation in his own blundering way. Moron he may be, but the guy's rate of success gets better every day.

Sasuke clenches his fist at that thought.

If he has any chance of destroying his brother, he can't let dead weight like Naruto come anywhere close to his league.

He casts side-eyes at Sakura as she chatters on, oblivious.

"…so seeing as how we'll probably get back early tomorrow, that means the entire afternoon's free," she says. "If you want, we could, um, you know, go catch a movie or something –"

"No."

He can't let Sakura's pathetic feelings hold him back either.

"Oh." There a momentary drop in her sunny tone that he hopes means she's going to go away, but then she's talking again. "I-I guess you're right. It's better if we go straight home and rest so that we're ready for another mission as soon as possible. Right?"

"Mmhm," he acknowledges because that, at least, they agree on. The more missions they get, the further he moves up in rank.

"And I think we're all a little tired of travelling. You and Naruto need some sleep, especially with the way he keeps antagonizing that bird. I bet you both have headaches, and that's why you're so…" She trails off with another nervous laugh, and he suspects if he looked over at her now, she would be blushing again. "I just mean, Naruto's done loads worse before and you never reacted like…well, the way you did."

He narrows his eyes when he realises what she's referring to.

"Are you…all right?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh. Okay. But, you know, sometimes it helps," she replies, hesitant. "Especially if it's something that stresses you out. So you can, you know, work through it. Which is kind of important, especially since we're in the middle of a mission." She laughs nervously. "Well, I know it's sort of a stupid mission, but it's still a mission.

They're _all_ stupid missions in his opinion – ridiculous in both nature and level of ease. And yet somehow, his idiotic teammates always end up overcomplicating everything. Naruto especially. From hunting down stray animals and red four-leaf clovers, to getting stuck together while searching for an idol belonging to the daimyo's daughter (he really wishes he could forget that particular clusterfuck).

He's surprised they've managed to recapture the damn bird they were sent after with only a few bruises.

"Sasuke? Can I ask you a question?"

He refrains from pointing out that she just did.

"That thing that got you upset before…did it have to do with your…did it have to do with whoever…" Sakura can't seem to find the right words, and every attempt grates on him more than the last. "You don't really talk about it, so I was just wondering –"

"Shut up." He turns to face her, his patience gone. She gasps and, because he sees the widening of her eyes with a sudden clarity, he knows his Sharingan is active. "You don't get to talk about this. Ever."

Tears leak from the corners of her eyes.

"I'm sorry…I was only trying to help," she sniffs. "You don't need to be so mean about it."

"There's a difference between being mean and being truthful. And if you're too stupid to see that, it's not my problem." He turns away and walks off. "You shouldn't pry into things you don't understand."

He can almost hear her flinch, and for a second, he feels a brief flicker of vindication...and guilt.

He half-expects, half-hopes she will decide to go back to camp now, but when several seconds pass with no retreating footsteps, he knows that won't happen.

Surprisingly, he senses her move closer to him, tentatively, and then –

"I'm sorry."

He inclines his head only slightly and sees that she's bent forward in a low, respectful bow of apology.

"I didn't mean to upset you or speak about things I don't understand. It's like you said," she tells him softly.

He feels himself slowly relax.

Something firm enters her voice then. "But I'm your friend. Or at least your teammate. And I don't want you to be in pain or hurting, if there's something that can be done to help."

He closes his eyes in resignation. He should've known better than to think she'd actually have the sense to let it go. In a lot of ways, Sakura is more stubborn than Naruto.

"Annoying," he grumbles under his breath. Raising his voice, he goes on, "There's nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do, except me."

"Why?"

He blinks. "What?"

"Why are you the only one who can do something?" she clarifies. "Can't you get help? You know I'd do anything to help you. Naruto, too. And Kakashi-sensei."

"It doesn't work like that," he retorts, frustrated because he _doesn't_ want to explain this. "Listen, you should get back to camp –"

"Sasuke –"

" – because the whole point of scouting the area is to keep enemies from finding us. Talking will just draw attention and get us noticed, so –"

"CAAAAAAAWWW!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU STUPID SACK OF FEATHERS!"

Two flashes of colour practically fly by them – one black and one orange – and disappear into the surrounding foliage with a crash.

"What about that?" Sakura inquires, glancing from the broken bushes to Sasuke.

"I'm going to kill him," Sasuke declares sourly, before taking off at a run to pursue the fleeing moron that is his teammate.

"Sasuke! Wait up!"

As expected, Sakura follows.

ナルト

Sakura and Sasuke flit through the forest, chasing after the gleefully cawing ostrich while Naruto's cursing streams back to them. Deeper and deeper into the woodland they go until the trees are so thick that they obscure even the sound of their exuberant quarry. Naruto's furious yells get farther away until they disappear entirely.

"Damn it! We lost them!" Sasuke curses after several minutes of this. They both alight on a tree branch, looking left and right for a sign of Naruto and the ostrich. "I can't hear them at all anymore."

"Can you see with the Sharingan?" Sakura asks, squinting into the shadows of the treetops; twilight has made her vision blurry.

"No." Sasuke's tone is short and irritated. "I'm going to do a sweep ahead through the trees. Maybe there's something. You stick around here and comb the grounds. And keep quiet. We need the element of surprise."

 _Really? We do? I thought I'd just go barging in, throwing some explosive tags, and declaring it my sworn nemesis,_ the voice at the back of her head snaps.

"Right," she replies out loud, leaping down from the tree branch. She doesn't hear him disappear, but her innate ability to sense where Sasuke is in proximity to her tells her he is gone.

She sighs and sets about exploring the thick bushes and undergrowth.

Sakura doesn't know whether to be frustrated or grateful for Naruto's latest misadventure. On the one hand, it means Sasuke didn't get a chance to complete his usual dismissal of her. On the other, she thought she was reaching him. Just for a moment. A little longer, and she might've have gotten him to open up.

Or at least acknowledge, in words, that they are friends.

Teammates.

The more time they spend together, the less sure she is which acknowledgement she wants more – that of her feelings, or that of her improvement as a shinobi.

Sakura doesn't come from a prestigious clan. Her parents only ever made it to genin level. Although she's heard stories that, with her father's intelligence, he could've become as talented as Lord Fourth, it still doesn't change the fact that the Haruno clan are among the no-names of the shinobi world. She has no bloodline talent to speak of, unless she counts the ability to completely compartmentalise her initial impulses in order to meet people's expectations.

 _Because that's been working_ so _well,_ the ever-present voice at the back of her head sneers.

She can't even argue with it.

Lately, Sakura's inner thoughts have been consumed with self-recrimination. Ever since joining Team 7, she's suspected that her teammates see her as an annoyance – someone who needs to be protected at all times. That knowledge grates on her. In the past few weeks, she's been thinking of ways to make herself better, too, because she's not sure how to ask Kakashi to help her.

Part of her is fearful he'd tell her there's no point.

 _And then there's the fact that he has his hands full with those two idiots,_ the voice of her inner self complains with irritation she would never dare express outwardly.

Their stupid rivalry aside, Sasuke and Naruto are always getting stronger. Sakura will never achieve that level of strength – Sasuke has his kekkei genkai and Naruto has his…inhuman resilience. She'll never have either of those things.

She's been trying, of course.

Ever since Kakashi caught her in that genjutsu during the bell test – forcing her to see Sasuke in pain, bleeding and dying – she's been hell-bent on never getting caught in another one. Her room is filled with books and scrolls on how to improve her technique, and she's even asked Kurenai-sensei more practical questions.

Being paired with Naruto on missions, she's been forced, by circumstance and his stupid mouth, to beat the living daylights out of him on more than one occasion. In the process, she's learned that she's actually good at taijutsu. That's rare – most kunoichi specialise in subtler arts – but she's developing a taste for using brute force to deal with problems.

 _Watch me get stronger than both of them – then they'll have to respect me! Shannaro!_

Her dreams are far off, however. Right now, she's barely a productive member of the team, let alone worthy of being acknowledged by the person she cares for most in the world.

It's hard to take, knowing he can't stand her, especially because she's in love with him. Whatever she pretends, that fact scares her a little.

Her heart might be enamoured with the whole thing, but her brain keeps reminding her that no one finds their soulmate when they're thirteen years old. As her parents constantly remind her, it's a phase that she will probably grow out of, and so she shouldn't focus so much on her feelings. But she hasn't been able to see anyone else except Sasuke as far back as she can remember. She wishes that wasn't the case because caring about him isn't easy.

Sakura wonders what he might've been like if he never lost his family.

 _Not that thinking about that's any help right now_ , she chastises herself. She forces her attention back to searching the grounds for any sign of Naruto or the troublesome ostrich.

It figures that they were assigned to catch an animal that has the same stubborn nature as the blond boy. Sakura is honestly amazed that, between the two of them, they haven't torn down the forest in their wake.

Then again, if they had done so, she wouldn't be fighting her way through prickling vines and thickly grown brush to find them. The trees are like a wall in this part of the wood, and she can't help think Naruto and the ostrich must have broken through in a less dense area.

 _Then why the hell did Sasuke tell me to go this way, the jerk?!_

She tamps down that irritation.

He might not like her, but he wouldn't tell her to do something useless or time-wasting in the middle of a recovery mission (however bizarre or inconvenient it is).

After a few minutes, she finally gives in and grabs her kunai to hack through a particularly thick wall of vine only to come face to face with –

Sakura screams and jumps back, falling into a defensive crouch.

A half-second later, she realises her enemy isn't an actual person, but a weathered stone statue. A _komainu_ , upon second glance, like the dog-lions that reside in temples and are meant to ward off evil spirits. The growling maw and over-stylized features are almost completely overgrown with moss and vines.

It's odd that such a thing would be out here in the middle of the wilderness –

There's a rustle of movement to her left, and when she looks up, Sasuke has materialised.

"What happened?" he demands, glancing left and right, shuriken fitted between his knuckles.

"I…" she begins, not wanting to admit that she thought a statue was an attacker. Especially not to him. She bites her lip and looks away. "There was a snake."

Sasuke makes a disgusted noise then mutters. "Typical…"

"Did you see them?" Sakura changes the subject.

"No. With our luck, the bird's probably knocked him out and is halfway back to Kanabun."

"Or it's just sitting on Naruto, trying to crush the life out of him again." It's what happened the first time they tried to wrangle the ostrich. Sakura pauses. "You know, maybe it really is trying to kill him."

"Hm." He almost sounds amused. "Come on."

For a wonder, he doesn't return to his search of the treetops, instead leading Sakura through where the bushes grow even thicker. She wants to protest – the brush is not forgiving, and there's more than a few thorny shrubberies they have to skirt. Not to mention, all the greenery is so thick here, there's no way an ostrich or Naruto could get through without leaving some sign – broken branches or ripped fabric.

However, after several paces, they enter a small clearing and she understands.

Sasuke must have seen this before.

 _Would it have killed him to tell me?_

Across the way, an old wooden building sags beneath years of overgrowth. The general shape, as well as the number of similar _komainu_ statues to the one Sakura encountered, suggests that this place was once a shrine.

 _All the way out in the middle of nowhere, though?_

"You don't think they're in there, do you?" she asks.

"Of course not," Sasuke retorts. "The door's locked tight, I checked."

"Oh."

She follows Sasuke through the more navigable greenspace, eyes flitting nervously back to the abandoned shrine. She can't help a shiver of apprehension at the sight of it, like there's something inside that should be left alone.

There's something written along the frame of the doors, characters almost degraded with age.

 _Chousho wa tansho_.

"'Our strong points are our weak points'," she murmurs, puzzled. It's an odd, cryptic sentiment to see engraved on a building, much less an old shrine.

"What?" Sasuke asks, shooting her a confused look.

"Nothing. It's just what's written over th –"

Once again, their quiet interactions are interrupted by thundering footsteps and a wordless, angry howl.

The ostrich stumbles into the clearing, snapping at the Narutos hanging off of it.

Sakura and Sasuke nod at each other.

Time to go to work.

ナルト

Naruto clings to the bird's back, trying to get a hold around its neck, while his clone tries to wrestle it to the ground. The ostrich spins round and round, trying alternately to peck at him or buck him off.

Eventually, the clone loses its grip and goes flying, disappearing into smoke as it hits a tree. A moment later, Naruto is thrown off as well, and the bird rounds on him, lashing out with its powerful legs.

Having no other way of escaping just then, Naruto throws himself down on the ground and covers his head.

"Ow – ow – OW!' he yells as the animal's large feet land on him, raking his back through the thick material of his jacket.

"Hey! Stop that!" Sakura yells from somewhere – when did she get here? – and then the bird is gone.

Naruto's head shoots up, eyes wide in dismay as the ostrich makes a furious beeline for his teammate.

"Sakura!"

He winces in pain as he speaks – he thinks his ribs might be broken, or at least massively bruised – but tries to struggle to his feet. He doesn't want her to get hurt by the psycho ostrich.

Sakura is smart, however.

When the ostrich comes at her, intent murderous, she dives into a nearby thorn hedge. It's not the best form of evasion – Naruto wouldn't have chosen it – but he supposes a face full of scratches is better than being ripped apart by sharp claws.

The bird seems to decide not to risk its eyes by going after her, because it turns around – just in time for Sasuke to appear behind it, a whirlwind of movement.

"Oh, sure. You jump in when it's Sakura," Naruto grumbles, straightening up. The last time they tried to catch this stupid bird, his teammates decided to wait for it to fall asleep – while it was sitting on top of Naruto.

It took hours.

Sasuke kicks out at the neck, legs, and wings – all places that Kakashi told them were weak-points – but the demon ostrich seems to expect every blow. It's actually fighting Sasuke off, and when the Uchiha boy takes a swing with a hidden kunai, the damned thing actually catches it in his beak!

"Are you kidding me?" Naruto demands while Sasuke grunts in surprise and annoyance. He jumps back to avoid the blade. "Are you gonna let a _bird_ beat you?!"

"If you hadn't pissed it off to begin wi –" Sasuke starts to say, but is cut off as he dodges another swipe. Eventually, he is forced to jump into the overhang of a tree to avoid the blade.

Naruto laughs, despite the way the movement jars his ribs. "The great Sasuke Uchiha, reduced to hiding in a tree by an overgrown bird! Hah!"

The ostrich rounds on him, beady eyes promising violence, and Naruto freezes.

"Uh…"

The bird paws at the ground, angles the kunai in its beak, and looks to be about to lunge forward –

"Stop it, all of you!"

Everyone's attention falls upon Sakura, who is has come out of the shrubs now. Her hair is mussed and her skin is scratched, but her hands are on her hips and she's glaring at Naruto and the bird in exasperation.

"Uh, Sakura, maybe you shouldn't –" Naruto begins, but the bird whips the kunai at him, forcing him to jump back. "Hey! Watch it!"

The ostrich turns a cold eye on her, sizing her up like it's trying to decide how to take her out. Unlike Naruto and Sasuke's attempted frontal assaults, however, she circles it warily from the side and stays well out of range of its beak. The bird is forced to constantly turn, trying to keep her in its line of vision.

She doesn't make an attempt to attack it, however, and instead speaks in a soothing voice.

"Look, I know you're probably just trying to avoid being tied up again – and I understand that – but running into the forest isn't going to work out for you," she tells it. "You know ostrich is a delicacy in these parts, right?"

The ostrich makes a growling noise in its throat.

"I didn't say I eat ostrich," she continues quickly. "Just that other people do."

"Are you seriously talking to a stupid bird right now?!" Naruto yells.

"Animals understand things just as well as we do," Sakura reminds him, not looking away from the bird. "Just look at Kiba and Akamaru. Who says ostriches can't be as smart?"

Despite her words, Naruto notices her hands shaking and her knees bent slightly, like she's preparing to bolt if the bird comes after her. Clearly, she's not as sure of herself as she's pretending.

The bird looks mollified, however – the damn thing actually preens!

"Which is why you should think this through," Sakura continues, once more addressing the bird. "There are a lot of hunters who wouldn't even bother trying to catch you alive. They'd just run you into a trap and kill you straight off."

"Caw!"

"It's horrible," Sakura agrees, "but if you go with us, you won't have to deal with that. We're going back to Konoha, a place where you'll lots of food, and people who care about you and keep you safe." The ostrich yells, puffing out its chest and flapping its wings angrily. "Or you could go to one of the nature reserves. Then you can wander around free, instead of being some rich person's pet. You'd like that better, wouldn't you?"

The ostrich makes a noise like it's considering.

"We could talk to Lord Hokage about that. I mean, it's a crime that an exotic bird like you should be a pet. It's so much worse than that poor cat we always have to return, but I mean, you're such a sophisticated creature," Sakura continues, and Naruto wants to protest. That's all they need, giving this thing delusions of excellence; it's already a pain in the ass!

"Obviously you have talent. Just look at how you beat the best rookie in Konoha." Naruto brightens at this until she adds, "- and Naruto."

"What the hell do you mean _and Naruto_?!" he shouts.

The bird hisses and turns to him again, just in time for Sasuke to appear behind it. He loops a rope around the beak and neck, forcing it to its knees.

"Oh, thank goodness. I was running out of things to say." Sakura beams at Sasuke.

"Hm." Sasuke trusses the bird up, while it caws and tries to break free. Naruto realises that all of it was just a ploy to keep the ostrich distracted while Sasuke caught it.

"No way! You guys planned that?" he demands. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"Because you're horrible at being subtle," Sakura tells him matter-of-factly.

Naruto shakes his head, glaring at the bird. It returns the look with interest, and he makes a face.

"Man, if I didn't think this thing had it out for me before, I definitely do now. It totally wants to eat me."

"Ostriches don't eat humans," Sakura points out, managing to sound superior and amused at the same time.

"I don't even care. If we don't get back home soon, I'm gonna turn this bird's head into a paperweight. _Believe it_."

"Tch."

In a rare show of solidarity with the blond boy, Sasuke looks as if he's about to barbecue the ostrich if it even looks at him the wrong way.

The bird tries to make another break for it, but is held fast.

Sakura jabs a finger in its direction. "Now, you be good. I'm still going to see about getting you a nicer place, but you have to stop beating up my friends."

The bird shoots her what could only be described as a resigned sulk, but it stops struggling so much.

Naruto is impressed, and he says so. "Way to go, Sakura! You're like a bird-tamer or something!"

She grins at him. "Well, I read this book once about ostriches, and then I saw that Sasuke was in a prime position for a sneak attack if you and I could keep him busy, so…" She trails off and glances shyly at Sasuke. "We make a good team, right, Sasuke?"

Sasuke doesn't respond, instead pulling on the rope to lead the bird from the clearing. "Let's get back to camp. The sooner we get to sleep, the sooner we can head back to the village."

He turns, his back to them as Sakura's face falls.

Naruto clenches his fists in anger. It's bad enough that Sakura has a stupid obsession with the jerk, but it bothers him even more when Sasuke is so cavalier toward their teammate.

"Why do you always do that?" he snaps, marching forward to stop Sasuke from leaving.

The other boy's permanent glare changes somewhat, one eyebrow moving upward in question.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about! Why do you always treat us like we're beneath you?"

"Naruto, stop it –" Sakura begins.

"And even when we do well, you can't get your head out of your ass long enough to say so," he goes on, ignoring her entreaties. "Funny how when you think we're doing something wrong, you've got no problem saying so."

Yes, he's noticed that. Naruto might not be the most observant person in the world, but he knows that much. And his own issues aside – it's high time the bastard acknowledged that Naruto is just as good as him – he's sick of seeing Sakura hurt because Sasuke has a stick up his –

"What do you want me to do?" Sasuke interrupts Naruto's inner rant, his voice low and dangerous. There's a minor note of derision there. "Pat you on the head when you get it right? If you guys are looking for gold stars whenever you don't screw up, you're never going to be shinobi."

"That's not what we want, and you know it!"

"Then stop whining like a child –"

"Would you two knock it off?!" Sakura yells. "I'm so sick and tired of dealing with your constant arguing! Naruto, Sasuke's right. You need to start taking things more seriously –"

"But –!" he tries to protest at the unfairness, while Sasuke smirks.

"– and Sasuke, you need to get over yourself and accept help every now and then – _SHANNARO!"_

In her anger, she stomps a foot hard against the ground.

Somehow, the force of it travels through the earth in front of their group and splits through the clearing, heading for the nearby shrine. There's a shaking then a violent crack that sends a split across the door and part of the roof.

Naruto's jaw drops, and Sasuke blinks like it's the last thing he ever expected to see; even the ostrich makes an impressed coo in the back of its throat.

Sakura gasps, looking instantly repentant. "Oh my gosh! I didn't mean to… I didn't know I… it was an accident!"

Then the door of the shrine collapses in on itself, and there's a sudden explosion.

The world spins in colour and sound, and Naruto – along with the others – is thrown backward.

There's a rushing sensation, and then his awareness vanishes entirely.

* * *

 _つづく_

 _I know everyone was waiting for the latest chapter of An Inch of Gold, but Sarada is being uncooperative at the moment. So instead of leaving you guys completely high and dry, here's something I've been writing in my spare time when I'm feeling blocked. It's a long-fic and will probably not be updated as often as IoG, because the chapters are pretty long. But, I'm hoping to have the action and plot happen a lot faster than IoG, so..._

 _Read and review please!_

 _Anyhow, hope you enjoy it!_

 _クリ_


	2. Two

**AN: Is that... another update? Twice on one week? Le gasp! For once I've gotten a lot done, and my beta got back to me too! Woot! Here you go, guys, enjoy the next chapter. As you imagine, this fic won't be updating as often as _Inch of Gold_ , but I truly hope it's worth the wait :D**

* * *

 **This chapter has been beta-read by : Sakura's Unicorn**

* * *

Kakashi finishes the next chapter of his book as the sun recedes completely. It wouldn't do his eyes any favors to read in such dim lighting, and besides, it's time to find his squad now. They've been far too quiet. That usually means they're about to cause some kind of trouble, or in need of one of his timely entrances. The addition of the ostrich makes things even more complicated.

The thought has barely crossed his mind when an explosion rolls across the forest.

Kakashi drops his book and jumps to his feet, but the ensuing ripple of powerful chakra sends him staggering to his knees. A dizzy, lurching sensation takes over him, and it's several seconds before he can see straight again. Forcing himself to shrug it off, he stumbles to his feet and takes off in the direction of his genin squad.

 _I should have stuck with them,_ he berates himself. _Forget being ready for the Chūnin Exams, they're not mature enough to gather firewood without getting into trouble._

He should really remember that.

As he runs, his mind races.

A spike of chakra that large might have something to do with Naruto. Fear needles at Kakashi; has something awful might have happened? There shouldn't have been any kind of danger on this bird mission. And Sasuke has never fought with the boy hard enough to bring the demon out of him – at least not yet. Barring the Uchiha boy's mood tonight, Kakashi never considered it would ever become something he'd have to worry about. He hopes it still isn't, and that Sakura hasn't gotten caught in any kind of crossfire –

He runs faster.

Minutes later, he finds his team. Any breath he had left abruptly gets caught in his throat.

All of them are lying prone in a clearing by an ancient, decrepit looking shrine. Even the bird is keeled over, unconscious.

Paying only passing attention to his surroundings, not wanting to be caught off-guard if anyone is lurking about, Kakashi hurriedly checks all three of his teammates.

 _Alive_ ¸ he discovers, exhaling in relief. _Unconscious, but definitely alive._

After doing a sweep of the area, trying to find out what exactly knocked them out, he returns and moves them. They will be easier to care for laid out alongside each other; for the ostrich, he simply reattaches the lead to the nearest tree and enforces the knot. The bird is too heavy to deal with, and he's not so concerned about it as much as his charges.

Besides, it's loud and annoying and has a mean streak.

As if it hears him, the ostrich begins to stir while he searches through his pouch for smelling salts.

The bird lurches drunkenly to its feet, making muddled and confused chuffing noises. Seconds after, however, it screeches a loud _caw_ , and flaps its wings in agitation. Upon discovering it's tied to the tree, it becomes even more belligerent, directing its furious squawks at Kakashi.

He tries to ignore it, but when the bird tries makes a beeline for a still passed-out Naruto and snaps the line holding him, Kakashi is forced to deal with the growing nuisance.

With quick, economical movements, he seizes the bird and trusses it up to a nearby statue, wrapping rope thickly around its legs and body to keep it from breaking free again. All the while the bird tries to fight him, but it's clumsier than it was before, and none of its attempts to peck at him pay off.

One annoyance down, Kakashi returns to his students.

Even without distractions, it's an effort to get the kids to wake up. They are completely out cold and he needs to resort to every tactic he can think of.

It's only after another ten minutes that Sasuke begins to stir.

As he blinks blearily up at the sky in confusion, Kakashi tries not to let his relief show. The kid is a grumpy little bastard to get attached to, but Kakashi remains protective of him.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

Sasuke mutters something groggy and unintelligible and puzzled.

 _Kid must have been hit really hard by whatever happened._

"Just take it slow," he advises.

"Mm…Kakashi-sensei? What happened?" Sasuke mumbles softly…which is oddly polite for the boy, who is usually an irritable crank upon being woken. Still, Kakashi has seen him lose his usual prickliness when vulnerable.

"I was hoping you could tell me –"

Sasuke's eyes widen suddenly, and he rolls himself forward onto all fours, heaving and retching until he completely expels the contents of his stomach. Kakashi only just manages to dodge the spew of bile.

"– that," he finishes, wrinkling his nose.

Whatever happened, it must have been especially powerful to affect Sasuke like this. The boy has the constitution of a rhinoceros, and some days, Kakashi suspects he exists on spite alone. If Sasuke's body is reacting like this, the others might've suffered even more damage.

Well, Sakura, at least. Naruto will probably be fine.

 _Speaking of those two…_

The other genin begin to stir, and Kakashi hopes that they will have a better idea of what happened to them. Even if they noticed some small detail, it might help him figure out how to proceed.

Naruto groans, and blinks away his unconsciousness. A moment later, he too is on all fours, violently throwing up. The vomiting subsides and he glances up, confused, and then makes an odd, choking, coughing noise.

Before Kakashi can ask if he's all right, Sakura shoots into a sitting position. She stares at Sasuke, who is wiping his mouth, then Kakashi, then back at Sasuke –

"What the hell is going on?" she demands, eyes trained on Sasuke. A dawning look of shock, horror, and suspicion blossoms across her face.

It's an expression Kakashi has never seen on her before, and he almost expects her to jump to her feet and attack. Except she remains frozen in place, working her mouth while Sasuke mirrors the same look. The boy then clears his throat, stares at his hands, and – if Kakashi isn't much mistaken – his breathing comes out in short gasps.

Like he's hyperventilating.

"What. The fuck. Is happening?" Sakura growls.

And right there, that's something worrisome. Because Kakashi has never heard Sakura swear before. Usually that's more Naruto or Sasuke, and –

And Sasuke is still gaping at Sakura as if his eyes might bulge out of its head. That look there is usually reserved for when Naruto has done something particularly clueless. But Kakashi isn't accustomed to seeing on Sasuke, who tends to favour utter contempt or sly arrogance when dealing with the Uzumaki boy.

"What's going on? What happened?" Sasuke murmurs breathlessly to himself. "Why am I… This isn't my… How did…" His voice gets steadily higher in confusion with each question.

At which point, Kakashi finally realises that things are not quite what they seem.

By the tree, the ostrich begins to go crazy again and Sasuke is now checking his body as though looking for damage. Meanwhile, Sakura stalks up to him until they're nose to nose, glowering furiously. "What the hell did you do?"

"M-m-me?!" the dark-eyed boy stutters, staggering away from her like he's worried for his life. "I didn't –"

"You did something!"

"I did not!"

"You broke that shrine thing, and now, we're like this!"

"That could be a coincidence!"

"That's highly unlikely," Naruto points out, his voice sounding strangely nasal. "Oh – oh, now, that's odd. Hello. _Hel-lo_. I sound like a fledgling. Or worse, a seagull." He shudders. "I thought _hearing_ this voice was annoying, but it's a hundred times worse to _use_ it…"

Sakura and Sasuke stare at Naruto in utter astonishment, and Kakashi's stomach clenches.

It's worse than he imagined.

ナルト

The hallmark of a true shinobi is the ability to acquire and process information without displaying any kind of emotion or reaction. Up until this moment, Sasuke believed he had perfected that particular skill.

As his borrowed eyes twitch and blood rushes to his face in anger, he tries to comfort himself with the notion that spontaneous body-swap is not something they write about in the Ninja Handbook.

From the limited interchange between them all, it appears that Naruto is no longer Naruto. Given how upset the damned ostrich is, Sasuke concludes the moron ended up trapped in the bird's body.

 _Which is sort of a relief, in a twisted way._ I _could have been stuck in the bird's body_. _Or worse,_ Naruto's. His thoughts echo oddly in this body – a lot louder than he is used to and sounding vaguely like Sakura. Only harsher.

 _Maybe now both of those knuckleheads will be easier to deal with…_

Sasuke wants to shout back at – well, himself he supposes – that in no way is anything about this situation good. Whatever happened to them, he's somehow ended up in the body of their weakest team member. At least the bird has some kind of fighting ability.

 _Unless you count her right hook._

A wave of nausea hits his stomach. He managed to fight down the instinct to throw up upon waking, but it's back, and he hates it.

On a normal day, Sasuke would take another threatening step toward Sakura-in-his-body and intimidate her with a simple glare. Except with his luck and this body's clumsiness, he'd end up tripping and falling on her lips – er, his own.

He does _not_ need that extra mental scarring.

 _Although, anything would be better than Naruto. Again._

Instead of snapping back at himself, he reaches out, grabs the high collar of his blue tunic and lifts the interloper in his body until her – his – feet dangle in the air.

 _Huh. Perhaps not_ so _weak._

"Fix. This." His threatening tone is somewhat diminished by being several octaves higher than he's used to.

"What do you want me to do?" Sakura squeaks, panic making Sasuke's voice crack loudly. It's a sound he's been suppressing ever since his voice started to change, and reflexively, his eyes shoot over to Naruto.

The blond boy appears utterly uninterested, picking at his jacket and examining the zipper on his fly as if it's the most fascinating contraption he's ever seen. On the other hand, the bird is eyeing him beadily, and if avian beaks were capable of it, Sasuke would imagine a smirk there.

So, Naruto noticed after all. Damn.

"Sasuke, stop manhandling…Sakura," Kakashi orders, his usual lazy directive somewhat undermined by his own confusion with the situation. "It's not going to fix what's happened."

"What _has_ happened?" he snaps, not releasing his hold right away. He glowers Sakura-in-his-body, concentrating harder than usual because her eyes aren't as sharp as his. In fact –

Hold on.

 _She wears contacts?_

Sasuke blinks at the unfamiliar feel of pressure on his eyes, as if there are extra tears welling up there.

 _So not only did I get stuck in a body where I can barely form a fist, but I might as well be legally blind!_

How did he not realise she wore contacts?

Then again, it's not as if he spends an inordinate amount of time staring into Sakura's eyes, so it makes sense. Still, it's something he should have at least noticed on away-missions when they all sleep in close quarters.

Which raises an interesting idea – either Sakura is better at doing things unnoticed, or he's not as observant as he thinks he is.

He's not sure which bothers him more.

"I'd say it's obvious what's happened," Kakashi points out. "I'm more interested in the how and the why. And before you blame Sakura again, why don't you all take me through what happened, and we'll figure it out together?"

Sasuke doesn't reply, instead shooting a dirty look at the girl inhabiting his skin. She is hunched over, posture uncertain and worried; it's body language that he would never display, and the sight of himself appearing so vulnerable makes him grit his teeth.

"Sakura?" Kakashi prompts, having to check himself as he first directs the question to Sasuke, and then has to glance over at Sasuke's body. She turns to meet his gaze, and Sasuke tenses.

 _Damn it! Naruto was right about the back of my head!_

As if he didn't have more important things to worry about right now, apparently his hair resembles poultry.

 _Which doesn't matter right now! Focus!_

For whatever reason, keeping his thoughts on the situation at hand is a lot harder than usual. He keeps noticing and reacting to things instantly, unable to filter away the attached emotions the way he has long become accustomed to.

And his head feels really crowded.

He doesn't like it.

Perhaps due to this frustration, he cuts off Sakura's mumbling explanation and, with a more forceful non sequitur than he intended, demands, "Why are _you_ still you?"

He is, of course, referring to his teacher's apparent unscathed, un-switched condition,

Kakashi scratches his chin, frowning in concentration – and then shrugs, his visible eye crinkling. "No idea."

Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto-the-ostrich groan; the bird in Naruto's body snorts derisively.

"Perhaps I was outside the radius of…whatever hit you three and Mr. Ostrich."

"I have a name, you know," the nasal version of Naruto's voice pipes up indignantly. "Humans! Always so rude and speciesist and more than a little bit condescending!"

"Sorry," Sakura apologises, appearing contrite. Sasuke suspects he will soon grow tired of seeing that expression on his face. "What is your name?"

Naruto's body is forced into what the bird clearly thinks is a dramatic pose: legs spread and hands on hips. "I am _Condor_ –"

"That's a weird name for an ostrich."

"– raised from an egg as a pet for the ridiculously wealthy, I have dreamed of nothing but my freedom since I was a hatchling!" he announces. "I managed to escape the shackles of my enslavement through courage and craftiness! But you four philistines appear intent to return me there! But now, the joke's on you because your idiot friend is bound to experience the indignities of captivity…while…I…"

He trails off, a look of comprehension passing over his features.

"I'm free," he realises. A moment later, he barks out a bawdy chuckle. "Oh, my goodness! It's true. I am, aren't I? Well, what am I still doing here?"

As he makes his realisation, Condor abruptly makes a break for it. Instantly, Kakashi snaps his hand out and grabs him by the scruff of the neck.

"You're not going anywhere until we figure this out," he declares. "And if I have to tie you to a post – well, it wouldn't be the first time."

"How rude," Condor sniffs.

The bird is either still getting used to walking around in a human body, or has no idea how to tap into Naruto's natural evasive abilities because he doesn't even put up a fight.

Naruto – without a voice but still loudmouthed and annoying as usual – caws angrily.

"Oh, yes, it's not fun being unable to communicate, is it?" Condor mocks him.

Naruto hisses.

"Well, of course I understand what you're saying, you rotten little brat. You're speaking my native tongue," he dismisses. "And rather rudely, too. I would never use such language in the presence of a lady."

He shoots Sasuke a look of would-be charm and chivalry.

"Watch it, bird, or I will cook you," Sasuke spits, while Sakura snaps, "Hey, don't get any ideas with my body!"

Kakashi makes a strangled noise like he's trying to hold back his laughter, and Naruto manages to free himself enough to peck the bird on the head.

 _Yes! Payback!_ the voice in Sasuke's head cheers.

"All right, all of you, enough," Kakashi finally says, clearing his throat and trying to recover his role as the responsible one. "Let's all concentrate and figure out what happened here. Maybe there're some clues around here that'll help us reverse all of this."

"Yes, please!" Sakura chirps eagerly.

Sasuke winces and shoots her a pained looked. "Don't do that."

"Do what?" her eyes – his – widen innocently.

"That. Stop it."

"Stop what?" She bites her – his – lip, unsure and anxious, and Sasuke wants to scream in frustration.

"That! Stop making me look like that!" he snaps. "Just…stop talking, stop – stop _looking_ at me like that – and…find something."

He whirls around, refusing to imagine what kind of expression she must be putting on his face now, and glares at Kakashi. His sensei is clearly pretending not to smile beneath his mask, while Naruto is making a sputtering noise that might be the bird version of laughter.

 _I'm going to set you all on fire…_

For the first time, he and the new voice in his head are in agreement.

ナルト

As Team 7 sets about investigating the clearing with determined intent, Naruto reflects that he has never been so focussed in his entire life.

Not surprising, considering he's trapped in an ostrich's body. There is nothing more important right now than fixing what's happened to him – not even his love of Ichiraku ramen or his dream of becoming Hokage. In fact, if he's ever going to get back to his training in order to _actually become_ Hokage, he needs to get back into his own damn skin!

That need is driven home even more forcefully every single time he attempts to make some shadow clones to help in the search, only to realise he can't because he can't form the signs.

"Damn it!" he yells in frustration the third time, even though to his ears (and likely everyone else's), it comes out as nothing more than frantic squawking.

"Kind of hard to maneuver without fingers, isn't it?" Condor taunts. Of the group, he is the only one not looking around, and true to Kakashi's word, is tied up and being dragged around on a lead by the irritated jōnin.

"Shut up, you!" Naruto snaps.

"And, thus, the one-trick pony loses his only decent ability," Condor sighs dramatically. "It's tragic, really."

"You know, there are animals that can use ninjutsu," Kakashi points out.

"Yeah!" Naruto agrees, feeling buoyed by the rare vote of confidence from his sensei. "I'll figure it out – believe it!"

"Hah! Even if this knucklehead could, it takes years of practice for an animal to learn ninja arts," Condor retorts, sticking his tongue out at Naruto. "You've barely got any talent as a human, you think you can figure it out in my body?"

Naruto hisses again and lashes out with his conveniently clawed feet; Condor ducks and blows a raspberry at him.

"Naruto, knock it off!" Sakura-in-Sasuke's body makes a face. It's weird to hear the whiny tone in Sasuke's voice, and Naruto really wants to laugh again, except his predicament is a hundred times worse. She continues in a more measured voice, "Condor, please stop bothering Naruto."

"Hey! Why do you yell at me, but with him it's all, 'Oh, please be nice, Mr. Condor.'" Naruto demands, the question earning only a puzzled stare.

"Because, unlike you, some people understand that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar," Condor answers for her.

"Who the hell would want to catch flies anyway?"

"Have you found anything yet, Kakashi?" Sasuke asks, interrupting the argument with an air of great frustration.

Naruto notices that the jōnin is standing by the old shrine, bent close to the frame of the front door.

"This," Kakashi replies, indicating a small raised surface in upper corner of the entrance. "There's a family seal."

Sakura examines it, raising her eyebrows; the gesture gives Sasuke's face more expression than any of them are used to seeing. " _Yamanaka_? Ino's family?"

"Yes. But this building is ancient. Judging from the style – and the general state of the clearing and statues here – I'd say it predates Konoha. The Yamanaka only came to the village fifteen generations ago, so this must be at least that old."

"So, what happened to us could be a variation of their clan's Mind-Body Technique," Sasuke observes.

"Very possibly."

Finally! A clue! Except –

"Except there was no one there to cast it on us," Naruto points out, at the same time Sakura says, "Are you sure? There was no one around to perform it when we got knocked out."

"That's what I just said!"

"If I were to guess, I'd say there were some kind of wards placed at strategic points around this shrine," Kakashi theorises. "Easily done, really. Fill a trap with chakra, and then, when someone steps on it, or near it, it activates."

Sakura's borrowed cheeks flood with colour, and an expression of guilt and embarrassment appears.

If Naruto weren't a bird right now, he'd be enjoying himself hugely at the sight of his rival looking so uncomfortable. As it is, the jerk's habitual scowl is pasted across Sakura's face, making her look kind of…constipated, actually.

"B-but what would the point be?" Sakura asks, clearly pretending not to notice Sasuke's attention.

"Disorientation," Sasuke bites out, obviously trying to pretend he is unaffected by their current circumstances. "Confuse your enemies long enough to capture and interrogate them. If there was anyone around us, we'd all be dead a few times over."

"So, did they just forget they set this up and moved to the village without stopping it?" Naruto asks. "That's stupid!"

"Why would they leave something so dangerous around?" Sakura asks. "If there weren't any guards to take advantage of it, I mean?"

"Stop stealing my ideas!"

"Oh, do shut up…"

"Hey!" Sakura cries, frowning at Condor, her hands on her hips. ""You don't have to be mean!"

Naruto cackles and Kakashi snorts, the tableau that she presents too amusing to ignore: Sasuke: face screwed up into a pout that on Sakura would be cute, but the Uchiha boy's dark features form an expression Naruto can only describe using the words 'bitch face'.

"Sakura…" Sasuke begins, a vein in his borrowed temple twitching. It looks like he's trying to hold back from hitting her – whether because he doesn't want to attack Sakura or damage his own body, Naruto isn't completely sure.

"I wasn't talking to you," Condor informs her. "The knucklehead is annoyed that his attempts to be clever are going ignored. Although, from what I've seen, that isn't much different from the norm –"

A sudden, hot arc of pain blasts through Naruto's body, and the smell of burning ozone fills the air. Blue-white light fills his vision, and he feels like someone's punched him hard in the back of the head. When his awareness comes back to him, he sees Sakura, Sasuke, and Condor all wearing stunned expressions similar to the one he feels on his face.

Slowly, everyone turns to Kakashi who wiggles his still sparking fingers, single visible eye narrowed in impatience. "Focus."

"Hey, what's the big idea?!" Naruto yells, his head spinning from the shock. "You coulda killed us!"

"Was that entirely necessary?" Condor puffs.

"Hn."

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei."

"To answer your question, Sas – Sakura, it's possible the builders of this shrine weren't worried about people entering it, as much as they were worried about something getting out."

Everyone glances at the ruined building again; the door hanging off the hinges reveals the dank interior.

"Like what?"

Their sensei points to the altar located all the way at the back. "Sometimes people or objects are buried in shrines. Sometimes, they get imprisoned there."

Sasuke scoffs. "There's got to be a more serious theory than that. And even if there isn't, we shouldn't be spending so much time on this. We just need to reverse what happened, not chase down ghost stories."

"Yeah, that makes no sense," Sakura agrees.

"Just because you humans are too stunned to notice them, doesn't mean they're not there," Condor disparages.

Sakura looks stricken, and she squeaks, "Wait a minute! Are you saying ghosts are _real_?!"

The last word ends on a cracking high note that has Naruto roaring with laughter – or at least as much as someone with avian vocal chords can manage.

"Stop. _Talking_!" Sasuke commands, his eye twitching properly now.

"Stop getting mad at me!" Sakura cries back, frustration edging out her usual anxiety about Sasuke being angry with her. "It's not my fault your voice is cracking! That's just biology! You can't expect me to know when it's going to – Wait." She peers at him. "Is that why you don't talk to us very much? You're embarrassed that your voice is going to –?"

Naruto roars with laughter again, the situation made even better by the embarrassed flush overtaking Sasuke's borrowed face. Clearly, he has no idea how to control his emotions in that body, and it shows.

"This needs to end," Sasuke tells Kakashi through gritted teeth. "Now."

Sakura nods rapidly, and even Naruto, once he catches his breath, agrees.

"It might be a while," Kakashi admits. "A few days before we know for sure –"

"A few _days_?" Sakura shrieks while Sasuke snarls, "What the hell do you mean, a few days?!"

"I can't do this for another few hours, forget days!"

"We have to fix this, now!"

"What happens when we have to go to the bathroom? Or bathe?" Sakura demands.

Immediately, everyone freezes.

Naruto desperately wishes she hadn't brought that up, even though it's actually an intelligent and – possibly – pressing concern.

Sakura and Sasuke stare at each other as if they are both going to be sick, and for the first time since it happened, Naruto is actually glad he's a bird. He's got it fairly simple, compared to his teammates who are going to have to figure out how to deal with –

 _Hey, wait a minute. Hold on_ , he interrupts his own thoughts. He's an ostrich now, and that has its own issues. But he'll have to eat like an ostrich now, won't he? And they eat the weirdest stuff like leaves, and seeds, and bugs, and rodents, and –

"Oh, no way!" he cries. "We have to fix this fast! Kakashi-sensei, you need to do something! I'm getting my body back, even if I have to tear this place apart until this beak of yours bleeds!"

"Yes, thank you for that imagery," Condor huffs, rubbing his temple. "Is that what spending so much time with a fox in your head does? If so, I'd like to get out of here as soon as possible."

Naruto blinks. "Huh?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. He's locked away, but anyone with halfway decent perception can feel him seething in here."

For several seconds, Naruto has absolutely no idea what Condor is talking about. And then he freezes up. A memory – something he tries to push from his daily thoughts – hits him.

 _'The decree is no one can tell you the Nine-Tailed Fox is inside you!'_

 _'Eh?!'_

 _'The fox spirit that killed Iruka's parents and destroyed our village has taken over your body! You are the Nine-Tailed Fox!'_

 _'Stop it!'_

 _'They've all been sneaking around, hiding things from you you're whole life! Didn't you think it was strange how they treated you? Like dirt! Like they hated you for just being alive!'_

 _'No! No, no, no, NO!'_

 _'Naruto –'_

Every day of his life, he does his best to avoid thinking too closely about the thing inside of him. He is determined to show the entire village that, even with this evil _thing_ inside of him, he is still a good, strong shinobi – one who will one day be worthy of respect and the title of Hokage.

He wanted to be free of the Nine Tails, but this isn't exactly how he pictured it.

Nor did he expect the thing to start talking to the ostrich. That's a bit creepy, especially considering he's never had to worry about it. More concerning, however, is that Condor is talking out loud about the whole thing as if it's common knowledge.

 _'That's why you will never be accepted in this village! Even your beloved sensei hates your guts!'_

Mizuki's words echo in Naruto's head, and he shoots a panicked glance at his teammates who are eyeing Condor like he's crazy. If he can't shut the bird up, it's only a matter of time before those eyes turn hard, the way they used to be before they were on the same team.

"Hey! Keep it down!" Naruto hisses at the bird.

At the same time, Kakashi warns, "Condor, now isn't the time."

"It certainly is the time," the snide-voiced interloper retorts. "You're not hearing what it's saying it's going to do to me."

"Really, Condor, we can discuss this later," Kakashi insists, looking tense.

It takes Naruto a moment to realise why. And then he wants to kick himself, because it shouldn't surprise him that his teacher knows of his condition. It's just, the man never said anything, so…

"You have a voice in your head, too?" Sakura asks, surprised. "I thought I was the only one that happened to."

"Hold on. You _do_ have a voice in your head?" Sasuke interrupts, something like relief washing over him. "I thought I was losing my mind…"

"Well, considering we've all spontaneously switched bodies, I wouldn't exactly rule that possibility out."

"Would you to stop your incessant nattering and focus on the matter at hand?" Condor snaps. "I have a fox in my head and it wants to eat me! Get some perspective, for goodness sake!"

"Shut up!" Naruto yells, but to his dismay his teammates have returned their attention to the ostrich in his body.

"A fox in your head?" Sasuke repeats, skeptical. "Do you think that's what got out of the shrine?"

"Of course it didn't get out of the shrine, It's been in here the whole time," Condor protests. "Why do you think I kept attacking the boy? He smells like a predator!"

"Condor –" Kakashi's voice is dangerous in warning, but no one seems to notice.

"He smelled like a predator before?" Sakura questions.

She glances over at Naruto, brow furrowed thoughtfully.

"Hey, I don't know what he's talking about – he's making it up!" Naruto protests, even though it won't do any good. No one can understand him. He shoots an accusing glare at Condor. "And that's not cool! Attacking me for something that's not my fault! I never did anything to you!"

"Don't blame me, blame biology. Like Chicken-Head's voice, I can't control how I react to a carnivore. It'd be one thing if it was just a regular, annoying little scavenger, but this one's huge." Condor shudders. "Honestly, who needs that many tails?"

ナルト

Everyone in the clearing stands in frozen silence as the severity of what Condor has just revealed sets in.

Sakura goes over the information she's just received. For whatever reason, it's taking her longer than usual to make the connections. Not much longer, but the lag is noticeable to her.

Months of unanswered questions begin to resolve themselves, forming a picture in her head and filling in the blanks with information she has grown up knowing.

And it all points to one conclusion.

Somehow, the Nine-Tailed Fox is inside Naruto.

Sakura blinks, glancing left and right to see if the others have made the same connection. Kakashi's visible eye is narrowed and he seems tense, but Sasuke is staring at Naruto with a look of calculation, as if he's going through the same mental list of oddities and quirks that Sakura keeps about Naruto.

Meanwhile, their teammate's ostrich form is tense. Although its difficult to understand the facial permutations of an animal, Sakura gets a sense of abject misery and resignation radiating off Naruto in waves. The black eyes dart from face to face, the panic there on par with a creature that has just been corned by a hunter.

Somehow, Sakura knows that if Naruto were still in his body, the look would be exactly the same.

He clearly expects them to react badly to this news.

And in a way – at the back of her mind – he's right to.

Sakura grew up on stories of the night the Nine-Tails nearly destroyed the village. She knows other children whose parents or siblings or friends were lost that night. Even the adults speak of it in hushed whispers, in horror; her own parents always go quiet when the event is mentioned.

To know that that evil, destructive, _killing_ force is inside one of her teammates – one of the people she has to rely on at all times – makes her feel a little sick.

But on the tail of that unease, she also can't reconcile that image with _Naruto_.

Stupid, silly, brash, goofy Naruto.

Who wants to be Hokage.

Who throws himself into danger at the mere idea that his friends might be in trouble.

Who even when he's being a total pain in the butt, still manages to make her smile.

 _Just remember that. This is Naruto – even if he's stuck in a bird right now. And even if he has that…_ thing _inside him._

"That…makes so much sense," she says slowly, making sure she meets Naruto's gaze. She tries to project some kind of comfort or reassurance into her words. "I could never figure it out. When we were guarding Tazuna, and you – you should have died, but you…"

She trails off, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat. She doesn't like to think back to that day, where she very nearly lost her teammates right in front of her.

Naruto's borrowed form relaxes and the black eyes soften in something like gratitude.

Until Sasuke snorts. "It figures. You're not actually anything special. You just have a demon in you."

Sakura's face falls into her palm with an audible smack.

That's about as close to a vote of confidence that Sasuke is capable of. She just wishes it wasn't her mouth that said it.

There's a beat where Naruto processes what the Uchiha boy just said, and then he lets loose an unintelligible steam of noises that can only be curses. He darts forward and unleashes a flurry of vicious pecks, obviously forgetting that that body doesn't belong to his rival; without his speed, Sasuke can't get out of the way fast enough.

"Hey!" Sakura moves forward before she is completely away, grabbing hold of the long-necked bird. "Don't you dare, Naruto! That's my body you're attacking!"

He makes one last attempt to snap at Sasuke – who continues to look unrepentant, despite his clumsy dodging – then lets Sakura pull him away.

"Don't listen to him. He's not as calm as he's trying to pretend," Sakura assures Naruto. She shoots a glare at the imposter in her body (the gesture is so natural with this body that she does it before she even wants to). "I know that face better than anyone else, after all."

And she tries to not to reflect on how much of a nightmare that truth is.

She always wanted to know what Sasuke was thinking, but this is beyond how she imagined she'd do it!

"Sasuke, you should know that doesn't mean anything," Kakashi reprimands. "You don't appreciate the chakra reserves it takes to keep the Nine-Tails at bay. The seal placed on him by the Fourth Hokage only works because of those reserves. Naruto probably has more chakra available to him than either you or Sakura will ever have."

Unable to keep his features smooth, Sasuke at least has the decency to look chastised. Noting this, Naruto preens smugly.

"Hold on – Kakashi-sensei, does this mean you _knew_?" Sakura asks.

"Of course he knew. Why else do you think he was assigned this team?" Sasuke retorts, trying to save face. "He's the most skilled jōnin in Konoha. They needed someone who could keep an eye on the moron here –"

Naruto growls.

"– which would be useless if he didn't know."

"Huh," Sakura considers. "I always thought he was put on the team because he could teach you Sharingan tricks."

Sasuke scowls. "They're not _tricks_ –"

"I _know_ that, I just meant –"

"You're both right," Kakashi interrupts. "But there's no time to talk about that– nor would this be the place to do it. Right now, we need answers. And those might just be in Konoha."

"Yeah, we can ask Ino's family," Sakura agrees. "They'll have a better idea of how to fix this, right?"

"And maybe there's something in the archives," Sasuke adds. "If the Yamanaka joined fifteen generations ago, maybe one of the previous Hokage might have left information behind on them."

Amazing how a sudden crisis has suddenly turned him positively _chatty._

 _He must really hate being stuck in my body…_

Kakashi nods, and then continues.

"That brings me to the next bit – this situation has changed the parameters of our mission. Either I can head back alone to update Lord Hokage and you four can lie low here to wait for me to return with an escort. I'll leave one of my dogs to keep you out of trouble –"

"No way!"

"No!"

"Caw!"

"How irresponsible!"

"– _or_ we can head back to Konoha together," Kakashi finishes.

"I'm pretty sure you have your answer," Sakura points out.

"I'm not waiting here any longer than I have to," Sasuke agrees. "Especially with the village so close by."

"Fine. But aside from the practical concerns, we still have somewhat larger problems," Kakashi tells them. He fixes her, Sasuke, and Condor with a look that is equal parts warning and expectation. "First of all, Naruto's…status."

Everyone exchanges glances.

"For obvious reasons, none of you are supposed to know it," he continues, his tone becoming cold and forbidding. "Normal protocol in this instance would be to eliminate anyone who stumbled on the secret."

Sasuke tenses, and Sakura gulps at this revelation. A moment later, Kakashi's eye crinkles and he cheerfully concludes, "So keep it quiet, hey?"

Naruto squawks indignantly and Condor guffaws, "That's it? Well. Pride of the ninja corps, you are."

"Don't worry. We won't say anything," Sakura promises. "We're a team!" She smiles at Kakashi. "And it's like you said, sensei: 'Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash'. So, it'd be pretty bad if we blabbed about Naruto, right?"

She beams again.

Then she notices everyone staring at her with varying degrees of disbelief, surprise, thoughtfulness, and shock.

"What?" she asks.

"It's just…" Kakashi begins, "…I don't think I've ever seen Sasuke smile."

"It is a tad jarring," Condor agrees while Naruto shudders.

Sasuke scowls. "Shut up."

Sakura is immediately torn between wanting to find the nearest reflective surface to glimpse what it looks like when Sasuke smiles – and the temptation to panic. Because once more, she has remembered that she is in Sasuke's body.

Kakashi clears his throat.

"And, on that note, stubborn as Condor is – and I'm sure you could probably rival Naruto for pigheadedness –"

"Hey!"

"Caw!"

"– without Naruto's mind conscious in his body, there will be the constant danger of freeing the fox spirit. If that happens, Naruto would die." Naruto shifts uncomfortably, ruffling his borrowed wings in agitation. Sakura gasps in dismay, and even Sasuke looks uneasy at this revelation. "So it goes without saying that you have to be very careful."

Condor huffs. "I'm not stupid, you know. I have enough presence of mind not to interact with a predator. Even if it's somewhere inside this thick head, I don't intend to get eaten by a fox."

"That means you're going to have to stay with us as long as it takes to reverse the process," Kakashi concludes.

"Well, that's fine with me," Condor says, grinning. "There are several aspects of human life I've been curious about. I wish to try karaoke."

Everyone winces at that.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Sasuke says, to no one in particular.

"Caw," Naruto agrees.

* * *

 _I don't know why, but for some reason, despite having watched the anime in English and in Japanese, Condor insists on sounding British. I can't even explain that…_

 _つづく_


	3. Three

**AN: The voice of Condor is more like Graham Chapman than Winston Churchill. And any of you Python fans will understand why when you read a certain sentence…**

* * *

 **This chapter has been beta-read by: Sakura's Unicorn**

* * *

Despite the late hour, the notion of camping out until daybreak isn't even brought up. Everyone is eager to return to Konoha in the hope that someone will be able to reverse the condition Kakashi's students (and their charge) find themselves in.

Even with that incentive, however, the group is moving slower than they could be. Kakashi doesn't question this; being a teenager is awkward on a normal day. Suddenly finding themselves in a completely new body must be stressful. Just walking appears to be difficult for them.

In the light of the glow sticks Kakashi broke open and passed around, he can see Naruto wobbling about like he's trying to find his centre of balance with such long legs and long neck. With every step, Condor unconsciously bobs his head in an avian fashion while muttering to himself. Sasuke and Sakura don't have the same problems adjusting to an entirely new species in addition to a body. However, that doesn't make the unexpected sex-change an easy transition either.

Sasuke is probably not used his new tread, and so ends up stomping everywhere, making even more noise than Naruto. Sakura, on the other hand, seems to be having difficultly with the extra few inches and altered muscle mass. She's compensated by completely changing the way she moves; her shoulders are hunched inward like she's trying to appear smaller, and she walks gingerly as if wearing a kimono instead of shorts and boots.

The whole thing is painful to watch.

 _It's giving_ me _a headache, and_ I'm _the one still in my own skin._

Of course, that could also be because – spontaneous body-swap aside – his team are still loud and annoying.

"Tra-la-la! I can't _heeeeear_ you!" Condor sings off-key, scrunching his eyes closed and scowling.

"Would you shut up?" Sasuke growls.

"Who are you talking to anyway?" Sakura wants to know.

"The fox, of course," Condor replies with a roll of the eyes. "He won't leave me alone." Naruto squawks a skeptical query. "Well, it's not a surprise you've never heard him. You're incredibly dense. You barely even notice when _people_ are addressing you, let alone someone in your head. But for more intellectual minds, such as myself –"

"You literally have a bird brain, what are you talking about?" Sasuke mutters.

Kakashi snorts because it's still very odd to hear such outright insulting commentary from Sakura's mouth. She does her share of complaining about Naruto, but most of the time, her words are wielded more out of fond exasperation than with an intention to hurt. Sasuke has never had that compunction.

 _Speaking of Sakura_ …

He's been watching her since they left the shrine in the clearing. Other than the occasional timid question, she's been unnaturally silent. At first, he wondered if she was honestly so bothered by Sasuke's glaring that she was being quiet so as not to antagonize him further. He's seen her carry out even more bizarrely accommodating actions for the oblivious boy, so the theory isn't far-fetched.

That's not it, however, because she's not even looking at Sasuke. In fact, he would say for the first time ever, Sakura is actively _avoiding_ her teammate's gaze. At the same time, she eyes Naruto and Condor speculatively. Even on a different face, that particular frown is characteristic of Sakura trying to work things out.

"What is it, Sakura?"

"What?" she squeaks, straightening up with a guilty expression, as if he's caught her doing something illegal. Sasuke looks back as well, raising an eyebrow in challenge, and Sakura waves her hands nervously. "Nothing! Nothing's wrong! All good here! I'm fine!" She focuses her attention on her feet, shoulders hunched once more, radiating discomfort.

 _I bet I know what this is about._

Kakashi is still astounded at how easily Sasuke and Sakura took the news about Naruto's status as a vessel for the Nine-Tails. He isn't sure any other kids from their generation would be so understanding, but both Sakura and Sasuke have their own experiences being judged on matters beyond their control.

Sasuke is the last Uchiha, and even though his family are rarely mentioned within his hearing, it's a standard he's always held to. Even before they were massacred, the Uchiha were not the most sociable clan in the village, so kids and adults alike give him a wide berth. Kakashi suspects that even if Sasuke's family had lived, he would have been a very lonely kid. Especially with a genius brother like Itachi…

For her part, Sakura faces a different kind of challenge; as the child of civilians who never made it past genin level, she's always had to prove to her classmates and teachers that she belongs. Regardless of her intelligence, she will always be considered handicapped by her lack of illustrious shinobi blood.

In both cases, people have made judgements about them based on circumstances neither can control. It's probably what made the news about Naruto a little more palatable. But at the same time, Kakashi knows that the confused situation they've found themselves in has leeched a little of the impressiveness out of the whole Nine-Tails thing.

He considers Sakura again, noting how the furtive glances are becoming more frequent. She's chewing on her lip now like she wants to say something but isn't sure how.

 _At some point, the penny's going to drop, and I should probably head it off before that happens._

It's been an effort and a half to get the kids to see each other as teammates; he doesn't want all that work wasted just because the damned Yamanaka were lax about removing a chakra trap.

 _So, deal with this problem first, and once it's fixed, deal with the Nine-Tails issue._

Which means actually talking to them, instead of just hoping they figure things out on their own the way he usually does, as well as encouraging them to be more open with one another.

 _Fucking great…_

Kakashi isn't the kind who likes to share his feelings. Though he's familiar enough with his students to know them well, he doesn't want to give them a catch-all pass for oversharing their lives with him. He's their trainer, not their mother. But if this takes longer than a day or so, they need to have someone.

 _All right. Here goes. I really hope I don't regret this…_

"Sakura, Sasuke – I know this must be very confusing for you both. I'll do my best to help you however I can," he begins, noting Sasuke crossing his arms and scowling, clearly unimpressed with the hypothetical olive branch. "Naruto – you're going to have to get over not liking Condor. Unless you miraculously learn to speak within the next hour, he's the only mouthpiece you have." Naruto hisses. "And Condor, you've never been human before and there are things you're going to have to learn to deal with very fast. You're part of our team now, and we trust, respect, and support our members."

He feels like he's talking to a five-year-old.

"Maybe Condor should take the bell-test then," Sakura mutters then, looking surprised at her candor, holds up her hands in defense. "Sorry! Sorry! That slipped out!"

 _Why do I get the feeling things are going to be 'slipping out' a little more often from now on?_

"If that in any way involves communing with this foul-mouthed predator for help, then no," Condor sniffs. "I give him an opening, he'll eat me!"

"Ignore the fox. That's the best thing you can do for now. But if you sense that the seal is weakening, you speak to me and I'll help you."

"Why not just go directly to the Hokage?" Sasuke asks. "The Nine-Tails is a village matter, right?"

"He'll send for me anyhow," Kakashi dismisses. He chooses not to add that the reason for this is the potential his Sharingan has to deal with a rampaging tailed beast. Then he turns to Sakura. "So, with all of that in mind, are you sure there's nothing you want to ask about or…talk about?"

Still resembling a deer in the headlights, Sakura eyes Naruto and Sasuke nervously and then sags in something like defeat. She gestures for Kakashi to come closer.

He obliges, bemused, bending over to bring his ear closer to the kid's mouth.

"I have to pee," Sakura whispers almost guiltily.

Kakashi blinks not having expected that. "So?"

Sakura gives him a look that suggests he's an utter moron and bites out, " _I don't know how_."

Kakashi nearly smacks himself in the head because _of course_ that's the issue. A thirteen-year-old girl has probably never had to think about how a boy goes to the bathroom. He opens his mouth, wondering how exactly he's supposed to explain this, but notices her eyes still darting to her teammates and the bird like she's waiting for the ground to swallow her up. When her eyes train on him – wells of utter misery and pleading – he realises she's asking him for something without uttering the words.

He reaches up and drags his hand across his face. "You're kidding, right?" he asks, hoping against hope that he's reading the situation wrong.

 _There's no reason she can't figure this out for herself, really. She's supposed to be smart and –_

Sakura blushes and stares down at her feet, radiating the same discomfort that Kakashi has witnessed torture victims give off. She shuffles her toe in embarrassment, the gesture something no one in Konoha has ever seen Sasuke do.

Kakashi sighs. _I hate being an adult._

Pawning the unhappy task off on one of the others won't do. Naruto's a bird, Condor would probably say the most appalling thing he could think of to make the situation worse, and Sasuke…well, at this point, he thinks Sasuke is ready to set people on fire—whether he still has the ability to use fire jutsu or not.

"Come with me," Kakashi sighs, nodding toward a thick growth of bushes several yards away.

Teaching a thirteen-year-old girl how to pee while she's possessing the body of a boy is _not_ what Kakashi signed up for when he became a ninja.

ナルト

Upon realising exactly why his teacher and his teammate have disappeared into the bush, Sasuke finally understands what people mean when they say they could 'die of mortification.' He honestly can't think of any other time in his life when he's wanted his heart to just give out before he suffers one more minute of utter embarrassment.

Even getting kissed by Naruto in front of their entire graduating class wasn't this bad.

It doesn't help that the moron isn't sharing in his turmoil right now, but laughing at him again. Those choking, honking sounds are _definitely_ the bird version of laughter. Meanwhile, Condor is giving him a mocking, superior look.

"You humans have such odd taboos and behaviours about defecation," he comments matter-of-factly. "There are more important things in life to worry about."

Which might be true, but it's a bit hard to dwell on anything else just now.

Humiliation aside, Sakura's sudden need to answer the call of nature once more highlights the fact that they all need to get used to their borrowed bodies. Even if they're only stuck like this another few hours (and Sasuke very carefully avoids thinking of Kakashi's ominous mention of _days_ ), in their line of work, they can't afford to be handicapped by less-than-optimal circumstances.

 _And if we don't fix this soon, having to take a piss will be the_ least _embarrassing part of this whole situation_.

The human need to rid itself of waste is an unavoidable, involuntary function, just the same as breathing or eating. Don't do it, and you're in for a lot of pain and eventual death. Luckily, it's not something that requires much brain function and can be safely pushed to the back of one's mind once it's over and done with.

But there are certain things that can't quite be ignored, and unfortunately, they aren't matters that can be avoided, either. Even if they aren't necessarily needed for survival.

Particularly in the life of a shinobi.

Hygiene, for one.

 _Don't think about it. It's not going to happen. We'll get back to the village, and this will be fixed and nothing_ but a bad memory. He scowls. Another one.

Sakura and Kakashi return now, both their faces bright red and their gazes studiously turned away from one another.

"Well, let's keep going," Kakashi announces, speed-walking ahead of them, as if distance between him and the utterly insane situation will fix it somehow. Sasuke is tempted to follow, but as Kakashi disappears into the shadows, Sasuke realises his new body offers him more problems than just potential embarrassment.

Like the fact he doesn't have a Sharingan anymore.

It feels almost like a physical blow, one that's harder to shrug off than he would have imagined.

On the immediate, practical side, the world around him seems duller now. It isn't that Sakura's eyesight is as bad as he thought earlier – with her contact lenses, it's on par with his normal vision. However, he has become so used to training his Sharingan in recent weeks, keeping it ready for activation just below the surface, that normal eyesight doesn't cut it anymore. Ever since they started toward the village, Sasuke has had to double check every shadow and suspicious shape to make sure what he's seeing is really there.

 _It's annoying_.

On a deeper, more jarring level, there's also the knowledge that the last link he has to his family is no longer his. Itachi took everything else from Sasuke except for the Sharingan – it's the one thing he _couldn't_ take – and now, Sasuke doesn't even have that.

He clenches his fists, nails that are longer than he's used to cutting into his palms.

Her palms.

Palms which are actually rougher than he would have thought.

There are callouses on the fleshy parts from holding kunai and tiny scars between her fingers where sharp shuriken have nicked skin.

 _Strange to think of Sakura actually training…_

It's not something he really pays attention to in their free time. Even when the squad gathers for exercises, she mostly just referees bouts between him and Naruto—there's never a question of him sparring with her. Not that what he and Naruto do can truly be called sparring in the strictest sense. It's usually Naruto demanding he fight him, Sasuke pretending he can't hear until the blond idiot is red in the face and positively spitting, then Sasuke magnanimously giving in.

Or just throwing a punch to shut him up which brings about the same result.

Either way, Sasuke gets to practice and the moron can delude himself by thinking he's earned something. However they both choose to view their fisticuffs, Sasuke has never had to hold back from beating Naruto bloody. The idea of doing the same to Sakura is inexplicably unsettling, not least of all because her abilities are far below Naruto's.

 _Or at least far below his when he's not possessed by a nine-tailed demonic fox spirit. How does that even work, anyway?_

Still, it's a bit gratifying to know that Naruto was never really better than him, whatever Kakashi has to say about the subject.

 _Though, at some point, he could still_ become _better. With all that power locked away? If he'd stop goofing around all the time like a loser, he'd actually be a challenge._

Sasuke is surprised to note the burning, angry sensation in his stomach at that. He knows from experience – from enduring his father's constant praise for Itachi – that it's jealousy.

 _Not of Naruto_ , he insists before the unwelcome voice can comment. _But if I had access to the Nine-Tail chakra, Itachi wouldn't be a problem._

For the first time in his entire life, he wishes he could switch places with the other boy. Just for a little while. He'd take on the (now understandable) hatred of an entire village if it led him to avenge his family.

It's probably an unhealthy reaction to the news that his knucklehead teammate holds within him the same creature that destroyed their village almost thirteen years ago. But, then again, Sasuke was too young to even remember the event itself, so he has no real emotional connection to the attack. He does recall his aunts and uncles talking about it. Older cousins and friends repeated the story in hushed voices, always with an undertone of deep resentment.

His cousin Shisui once mentioned in passing that the reason the Uchiha clan lived on the outskirts of Konoha was somehow related to the Nine-Tails rampage.

 _Maybe the thing inside Naruto demolished the old compound. Which would explain why people were pissed._

Sasuke doesn't know if it would have made a difference in his life if the creature hadn't done anything to the old compound. There's always the smallest possibility that, if the Uchiha had been closer to the center of the city, someone would have noticed and tried to help the night that Itachi –

 _Stop it._

He decides to heed the unwelcome voice in his head for once. He can't change the past. It's best to just move forward with his goals: kill Itachi and restore the clan. To do that, he has to survive.

And to do _that_ , he has to make sure if something happens to them from now until Konoha, he can survive long enough to get his body back. He needs to protect himself.

 _And my 'other' self. Which means…_

He groans silently and forcibly reminds himself to remain clam.

This is just a temporary difficulty. It's the same as when he and Naruto got stuck together. Sasuke simply needs to adapt long enough to overcome the obstacle because a talented shinobi can adapt to anything. Dwelling on discomfort and frustration in the wake of setbacks will not help. He just needs to think things through.

 _Which should be easier now because I've got Sakura's brains, and she's smarter._

As maddeningly true as that might be, the last thing Sasuke wants to do right now is talk to the girl occupying his body. He doesn't know how to manage it without the blood rushing to his face, showing off exactly how uncomfortable he is about all of this. But his body is unwieldy and clumsier than he's ever been in his life and he needs to know how to work around that.

 _Just suck it up already, coward._

He scowls, but the voice at the back of his head is right. There's no point in putting this off.

"Hey…Sakura," he begins uncomfortably, trying to keep his new, chirping voice low enough to not attract attention from the others, "Come here…"

ナルト

For as long as she can remember, Sakura has dreamed of the day when Sasuke would ask to spend time with her. She's had it all planned out in her head; it may or may not have involved flowers and chocolate and ended with her claiming his first (technically second – damn it, Naruto!) kiss.

Since joining Team 7 and getting to know him better, however, she's let go of those silly fantasies. She tells herself that she's becoming more mature, a woman who will, one day, be able to charm him with her abilities, as well as the looks she tries so hard to maintain.

Still, it hurts that he is so palpably unimpressed, even as he pulls her aside so they can figure out the quirks of their (hopefully) temporary bodies.

Sakura decides there's nothing else but to show him that she'll do her best to live up to his abilities while she's stuck being Sasuke.

 _Totally easier said than done…_

She can barely keep herself from tripping and falling in front of him when she's in her own body, but in a borrowed one? A body that feels heavy and unwieldy one moment and seems to have the reflexes of a spring-trap the next?

Hoping for clues of where to start first, she chances a peek over at Kakashi. As they walk, he is trying to show Condor the elementary hand signs – a possibly futile task if the vein in his temple is anything to go by.

"It's really not that complica—"

"How the devil do you expect me to do that?!"

"Bend your fingers!"

"Wait. They bend?"

"Forget it," Kakashi groans. "Maybe we should start with something easier. Chakra control."

"Oh yes! Let's do that!" Condor nods eagerly. "I want to duplicate myself like the knucklehead can."

"Aside from the fact that you need to learn hand signs before you can do that, you'll have to ask Naruto for pointers on technique," Kakashi replies, "I'm not sure how much of that is his own chakra and how much is drawn from…elsewhere."

 _The Nine-Tails._

Sakura shudders at this.

It weirds her out too much to think about. It suddenly makes horrible sense why her parents were so unhappy when she announced who her squad would include. At the time, she thought it was because they shared her dismay at being saddled with a barely-capable shinobi as a teammate. Now, she realises that they must know about Naruto.

 _All the adults who were around the night of the Nine-Tails attack must know and that's why everyone always gives him those dirty looks._

She always wondered, but never brought it up. It was easier to just go along with how Ino and the other girls treated Naruto. Now, though, Sakura feels terrible.

 _Not as bad as Naruto must feel. Knowing the people in the village hate him for something he had nothing to do with? I mean, it's not like he asked to get a demon stuck in him._

She knows that the Fourth Hokage is responsible for defeating the Nine-Tails, but the stories don't ever talk about what happened to the demon.

 _Did he just decide to use Naruto because he had no parents? I bet if he had parents this never would've happened._

The idea isn't particularly comforting and, rather against her will, Sakura finds herself going over every instance in which she has treated Naruto badly.

 _I'm going to have to do something to make up for all that once we get out bodies back. Maybe I'll let him taken me out for ramen one day. I'll let him call it a date, if he really wants to. Only once, though. I don't feel_ that _guilty –_

"Sakura."

She jumps, her musings interrupted by Sasuke grimacing at her.

"Oh, right," she says, offering him an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I was just trying to think of what we could start with. I mean, maybe not what they're doing –"

"How am I supposed to do anything with my arms flailing all over the place whenever I move?" Condor demands, drowning her out.

"That's why you have to keep them tucked in beside you," Kakashi bites out.

"It's like having large parasites attached to my shoulder – and it makes me look ridiculous when I run. Not just me, mind you. I noticed before—you all do it. It's utterly silly looking."

Naruto honks angrily and tries to kick Condor, but ends up overbalancing on his bird legs instead and squawking in indignant embarrassment.

" – but maybe something easy," Sakura continues doubtfully, considering their surroundings. "How about walking up trees?"

She knows this is something he's perfected ever since their mission in the Land of Waves.

"Fine," he grunts and trudges over to a nearby tree to get started. After a few failed attempts to simply walk up the tree as he's used to, he eventually gives in and takes a run for it, the way anyone just learning would.

Sakura winces as his feet connect with bark. She can see his problem right away.

On a normal day, Sasuke doesn't have perfect chakra control and needs to adjust. She supposes he compensates in some way, distributing it through his system and focussing more. Her body is already geared to generate the perfect amount. Because of his natural inclination to add more chakra, he ends up punching a hole through the trunk of the tree he's trying to climb.

Sakura winces as she watches him keel over, hanging upside down by a trapped foot.

"You're putting too much force into it," she tells him gently. "You really don't need to –"

"I KNOW!"

But he clearly doesn't because, after freeing himself and attempting several more ineffective climbs, he's only succeeded in making three more footprint-craters.

Sasuke looks like he's ready to strangle the nearest living creature.

"Hey, let's take a break," she says quickly. "You can teach me how to use your Sharingan."

She won't admit out loud how curious she is to see what Sasuke sees when using his kekkei genkai. She's already noticed that she can see a lot better than usual in this body – the world, in spite of the dark and lateness of the hour, is oddly distinct.

Sasuke must be out of sorts about the whole chakra control thing, considering how readily he agrees.

"Let's keep walking, or we'll get left behind," he says tersely. He limps over and Sakura winces at the ring of bruises around his – _her_ right calf. She wonders if it would seem childish to ask him not to break her body. "You can work on that while we walk."

"How?" Sakura asks, falling into step with him.

"It's like…" Sasuke trails off, frowning like he's trying to remember the answer to a particularly tricky test question. "It's like forcing tears out of your tear ducts only, instead of expending the energy crying, you redirect it to the muscles in the eye itself."

"So, you…force your feelings out through your eye?" Sakura questions and Sasuke wrinkles his nose at the descriptor.

"No. It's just a trigger to call up the tomoe. Once you've done that, your vision improves and the brain automatically compensates."

"That makes no sense."

"Well, it's the best I can do," he snaps. "It's instinctual for me. No one ever had to explain it."

"Okay, okay," Sakura placates him, hands up defensively and a nervous smile on her face. _His face_. "I'll work on it."

Her smile doesn't put him at ease; if anything, he looks even more annoyed. Still, he at least graces her with a terse, "Fine."

The dismissal is clear, but Sakura doesn't want to let it go so easily.

"What about…what about your fire jutsu?" she asks tentatively.

"No."

The word is out of his mouth before she's even finished the final syllable.

"Why not?"

"If you really want to learn it, go ask Kakashi," Sasuke tells her, the pinched expression on his face suggesting she has asked him to do something horrible like litter on his parents' graves. "He knows how."

"Oh. Okay."

She senses it's best not to argue. Instead, she takes a deep breath and looks around the dark canopy of trees, squinting hard to determine if it will help her see better. Thinking on Sasuke's advice, she blinks very quickly several times, trying to work up tears and somehow…see through them.

 _It's a good thing Sasuke's great ambition in life isn't to become a teacher…he sucks at it._

She feels silly, and all the concentration is giving her a headache. After several minutes, it's no longer hard to force the tears; they're coming from the effort and pain.

"Hey! Stop that!" Sasuke orders suddenly, and she realises he's been watching her the whole time.

"Stop what?"

"That! You're making me cry!"

She blinks, her lashes heavy with moisture, and then protests, "I'm not making you do anything. This is me right now – and it's what you told me to do!"

"I said just _before_ you cry, not when you start," Sasuke retorts, looking utterly horrified by the sight of his face with tears on it. "Come on! Knock it off!"

"I can't just turn it on and off, Sasuke!" Sakura snaps, getting angry at him for the first time since this whole fiasco started. "And you yelling at me isn't exactly helping!"

"I'm not yelling, and even if I was, it's not my fault you're –"

Sasuke cuts himself off as he accidentally walks into something very solid. "Hey, what's wrong with you?" he demands, pulling away to note he has ploughed directly into Kakashi's back.

"Stop talking," their teacher orders instead of providing an answer, "and stop moving."

"Why?"

"Shut up and look around," Sakura interrupts in a low voice, eyes flitting around the darkness. She might not have the Sharingan, but she can make out enough in the shadows cast by Kakashi's glow sticks to realise they're not alone.

In fact, as humanoid shapes materialize around their little group, she would say 'surrounded' is the more accurate term.

ナルト

It's immediately clear that Team 7 has the worst luck in existence because that's the only way Naruto can explain finding themselves hemmed in on all sides by a dozen or so motley-looking individuals. His eyes dart around, taking in their new circumstances. Naruto might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but it's immediately clear even to him that they are definitely in trouble.

 _We've gone days without running into trouble – aside from that village – and now that we definitely don't want to run into anyone, we stumble on everyone?! Yeah, I think someone's playing a joke on us…_

The ragtag group carries an assortment of weapons and is dressed in simple but hardy clothes. There's a lingering smell among them, like people who haven't bathed in a while, and none of them wear forehead protectors.

 _Probably not ninja, but they've got weapons. Mercenaries?_

Any other day, Naruto would think it an awesome adventure to run into mercenaries because it would mean he could test his strength against them. He knows under normal circumstances, Sasuke would feel the same. But right now, his friend looks like he's been punched in the stomach. Sakura pales and even Kakashi is tense.

Team 7 stares at the newcomers, and they stare right back in total silence. Until, of course, Condor breaks it.

"Well, this is just disgraceful," he sniffs, glowering at Kakashi. "Shouldn't you have seen this coming?"

"Would you shut up?" Naruto demands, suddenly very aware that this stupid bird might get him killed for mouthing off. At least when he does it, he has a bunch of shadow clones to back him up.

"Well…what do we have here?" one of the grungy-looking men murmurs, taking a step forward. He's the biggest and ugliest of the bunch with a face like a potato and a chest like a barrel. He's flanked on both sides by two muscular human boulders. "Looks like a circus troupe."

"Sounds like one too, boss," one of the lackeys sniggers.

"Not too smart, making noise like that in such a place at night," the first man continues, eyes roving over Sakura in a way that Naruto really doesn't like – and then giving him a similar look. "Look. They've even got a bird."

"You want a piece of me?" Naruto challenges, even though his words go unheeded. Meanwhile, Kakashi merely chuckles nervously. "Hey, what the hell are you laughing about, Sensei? Are you crazy?"

But Kakashi simply adopts a relaxed posture and rubs the back of his head. "Whoops," he says lightly, offering the meaty-looking leader a sheepish look. "Wrong turn on the way to the ditch."

The leader's beady eyes narrow slightly, but he smiles. The gesture is cold. "Is that so?"

 _This is an elite jōnin? He's seriously lost his mind!_

"Yep. Definitely. We're on a nature-hike, you see. Sorry if my students and I intruded on your…dark and dreary clearing." Kakashi actually looks at the men around them now. "We need to get back to our camp, though. Come on, kids."

Even as Kakashi makes to turn around, two of the men shadowing them from behind brandish swords.

"Oh, I don't think you want to leave just yet," the leader says with false cheer. "Not when we have so much to discuss."

"Oh?" Kakashi says, sounding politely interested.

"Stop making small talk!" Naruto yells. "Am I going to have to save our asses, as usual? Should I bite him? I can bite him if that'll cause a distraction. Condor! Tell him I can bite this guy!"

"You don't have teeth so, no, you can't bite him," Condor hisses out of the corner of his mouth.

"Oh. Right. Well, we need to do something! Tell Kakashi that we need to get out of here and fast! He has to come up with some kind of plan!"

"You're ninja, judging by the headbands. From Konoha, I guess. Pretty awful ninja, though. You make more noise than a pen of stuck pigs."

Kakashi winces at that.

"Hey, we're not that bad!" Naruto cries.

"And you," the leader continues, staring at Kakashi, "I'm pretty sure I've seen your picture somewhere. Maybe the last time I glanced through a bingo book? It's been a while. I could be wrong."

There's something about his tone that Naruto doesn't like.

"Only shinobi have access to a bingo book," Kakashi says with false levity.

"True. But not everyone who starts off as a shinobi has what it takes, you know?" the man says with a smirk. "Some of us find…better paying work."

"You're bandits!" Sakura bites out, disgust evident in her tone. "Thieves!"

"Sak – Sasuke," Kakashi warns without turning around. "Don't antagonize the large man with the weapons."

Naruto hears an unspoken _yet_ there, and tenses up. He's not sure what he's going to do, but he wants to be ready in case Kakashi needs him.

"No need to get so defensive," the potato-faced man chuckles then rubs his chin thoughtfully. "I'm inclined to let you go. I don't generally like trouble. I'm no fool, you see – more of a businessman."

Kakashi is tense, his voice devoid of inflection. "And what would this businessman's price be?"

"You and your _students_ can go on your way. As long as you give up the bird."

Sasuke and Sakura make inquiring noises, but Naruto is too surprised to even squawk.

"My boys are hungry. That feathered piece of meat will tide us over until we, er, find new opportunities," the leader says with a sinister grin.

"Well, I personally think that's a more than reasonable idea – _ooof!_ " Condor gasps as Sakura elbows him hard in the back.

"Rotten bird," Naruto snaps.

"Like you wouldn't have said the same thing," Condor retorts.

"I'm afraid we have to decline," Kakashi says firmly.

The bandit leader snorts. "Well, can't say I'm not disappointed. But you can't say I didn't try to do this, civilised like." The sound of weapons being unsheathed fills the small clearing, suggesting the leader's polite façade was just that – a way of lulling them into a false sense of security. "Now we take the ostrich anyway, and maybe the girl. Hair like that, she'll fetch a fine price." Sakura makes a choking noise and Sasuke growls. "Add that to the bounty on your head, Scarecrow-hair, and we'll be good for the next month. Boys!"

"All of you stay out of the way and let me handle this," Kakashi orders, forming hand signs too rapidly for Naruto to follow.

"Oh, this is going to be fun," Naruto mutters.

"My dislike of you right now is epic," Condor tells him conversationally.

Three copies of Kakashi appear between Team 7 and the men that close in. There are yells from behind, however, as two of the bandits nearing Naruto are suddenly dragged underground by another clone. Meanwhile, a wall of mud arises around Sakura and Sasuke, protecting them for three other bandits.

One of the men escapes his gaze, however, and makes a move toward Condor.

Condor gives an embarrassingly girlish shriek and ducks down, holding his arms over his head and curling into a ball. His attacker laughs and changes his path of attack, reversing his sword to bring it down straight over Condor's head.

"No!" Sakura cries, and Naruto sees her reflexively grab a log to use in a substitution jutsu. However, she must overpower the move, because the log ends up exploding, sending splinters of wood flying in every direction. They catch Condor's would-be-attacker, but also go flying toward everyone else, forcing them to duck.

"Damn it!" Sasuke yells, growling at the large, bleeding welts in his forearm where he shielded his face. Shrugging it off, he makes the hand signs for what Naruto recognizes as his fire style jutsu, inhaling deeply and preparing to blast a fireball at the next closest assailant – only to suddenly gasp and gag like something's stuck in his throat. Smoke belches from his mouth and he grasps his throat, coughing and rasping. He only just ducks down out of the way as yet another bandit attempts to grab him.

"I don't think so, asshole!" Naruto growls, vaulting forward to peck at the guy. He might not have any fingers, but he can make the guy hurt!

But his opponent slides to one side, avoiding Naruto's clumsy attempt to jut his head forward. A rope of some kind wraps around his long neck, and he yells, trying to pull away. The thief tries to spirit him out of the little clearing, avoiding Naruto's wild, flailing attempts to kick at him with clawed feet.

The pulling sensation disappears, however, when a blur of motion passes by, dragging Naruto's kidnapper away. It only occurs to him seconds later that it was Kakashi. When Naruto turns around, he can't help his eyes widening.

 _Damn…_

There is silence in the clearing, the bandits that surrounded them before are either unconscious or curled into positions of pain. Their boss is pinned to a tree by several strategically thrown kunai and a blast of what might be solidified mud. Kakashi stands in the middle of all that, surveying the scene with the distant demeanour of an artist critiquing his work.

Sometimes, Naruto forgets how good his sensei is.

"Well," Kakashi says, his breath only slightly quicker than usual. He didn't even need to bring out the Sharingan, but Naruto can see the sweat beading on his forehead. "I think we've just illustrated why it would've been a bad idea for you guys to stay on your own, huh?"

"I don't know what you're taking about," Condor says, slowly rising from his fetal-crouch. "I had things fully under control."

Kakashi tries to hide it, but Naruto totally sees a vein twitch on the side of his face.

"Hah! Looks like I'm not the biggest knucklehead around anymore, hey, birdbrain?" he declares in satisfaction.

For once since all this happened, Condor has nothing to say.

* * *

I decided not to do a full-on action scene. Because reasons.

TSU


	4. Four

**This chapter has been beta-read by: Sakura's Unicorn**

* * *

The Third Hokage is already in his office when Team 7 trudge into Hokage Tower which doesn't surprise Naruto in the least. He's pretty sure the old man lives there and maybe even sleeps sitting at his desk.

 _If he even sleeps at all!_

"Kakashi," the old man greets, nodding at the jōnin and then considering the others gathered beside him. His eyes rest on Naruto in ostrich form, and he sighs. "You just can't do anything half-way, can you, Naruto?"

"Hey!" he cries, offended. Sakura and Sasuke make noises of amazement, but Naruto isn't really surprised the old man is already up to speed.

Condor doesn't feel the same. "Wait! How does _he_ know?"

"I know everything," the old man says importantly.

"He was probably using his hokey crystal ball to keep track of us," Naruto dismisses. "The old fart is always spying on me." He lowers his head conspiratorially. "He's a bit of a perv, you know?"

"How rude," Condor determines while the Hokage coughs in disapproval.

"So, you know what's happened to us?" Sakura asks in a hopeful tone.

"I observe events as they play out, not causes," the Hokage replies, "but given what I saw Kakashi discover, I already pursued the proper course of action."

"Yeah, that sounds only a little creepy," Naruto grumbles.

"Before we get to that, Lord Hokage," Kakashi says, "there's another minor situation that needs wrapping up. Before we arrived here, we encountered…some trouble."

"I'm aware," the old man says, waving off whatever mission report Kakashi is about to give. Naruto's crystal ball theory is looking even more plausible. "Given the circumstances, I understand why you left the bandits behind. I've already ordered Izumo and Kotetsu to gather an extraction team. The men who attacked you will be dealt with."

"See?" Naruto points out to Condor. "Creepy."

Condor nods in agreement, fixing the Hokage with a suspicious glare.

"Good to know. My hounds weren't too pleased at being put on bandit-sitting duty," Kakashi says, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

"Hey, who cares about that!" Naruto demands. Getting back to the village undetected already took a lot more effort and patience than he usually has. There's none left to put up with adults making small talk. "I want my body back, now!"

"Hush, Naruto. We're addressing the matter as fast as we can," the Hokage chides. There's a knock at the large door. "Ah, and here he is. Come in."

A tall man with long blond hair appears in the doorway behind them. Naruto has never met the guy, but he looks like a male version of Ino, so it's obvious who he is.

 _I hope he's nicer than she is. She knows where to dig in the knife and make it hurt – and not just with words…_

"Lord Hokage," he greets then nods at the other jōnin. "Kakashi."

"Inoichi."

"Condor," the stupid bird pipes up, earning unimpressed glares from everyone else. "What? I thought we were supposed to throw random names out there?"

"Could you make me sound like a bigger idiot?" Naruto complains.

"Probably not."

Inoichi makes a confused face, but instead of asking, waits for the old man to speak.

"Considering the matter, I've asked the head of head of the Yamanaka clan to assess the situation," the latter tells them as he closes the door to the office.

"You didn't exactly _explain_ the situation," Inoichi points out, his voice calm but with a definite note of curiosity. His gaze falls on Sasuke and his mouth quirks a little. "Hello, Sakura. It's nice to see you again."

 _Oh, yeah. She would know him. She and Ino used to be friends. Or are still. I don't even know…_

"Hello, Uncle," Sakura chirps with a nervous grin. "Sorry to get you up so early."

Inoichi's eyes widen when those words come from the sullen, pale boy instead of the pink-haired girl. Naruto suspects Sasuke has never spoken directly to Ino's father, let alone referred to him so respectfully.

When Sasuke audibly smacks himself in the forehead, he's sure that suspicion is right.

" _What did I tell you?"_ Sasuke hisses at Sakura, one green eye twitching.

"It's not like it has to stay a big secret in here," Sakura replies, sounding annoyed and defensive. "He's here to help us, so he has to know, so stop getting mad at me!"

Naruto grins.

In a span of mere hours, their team's sudden body-swap has broken down whatever unwritten rule has always existed whereby Sakura lets Sasuke get away with being a grouchy asshole. For once, she's venting her temper on Sasuke instead of Naruto.

 _Maybe she'll finally realise what a douchebag the guy is and start seeing me…once I'm human again, of course._

Inoichi considers Sasuke and Sakura for a second then says to Kakashi, "That's all? They've switched?"

"Oh, it's more than that," Kakashi says, inclining his head toward Condor and Naruto.

"I hope you're saying 'that's all' as a good thing," Naruto grumbles.

"Speak for yourself. I was hoping for a little more time to test this worthless hide out," Condor replies, considering his fingers. "Opposable thumbs – such possibilities!"

"Please! You didn't even know your fingers could bend until two hours ago!"

"And in that time, I've added to my list of activities I would like to try."

This time, Inoichi's eyes bulge. His head moves back and forth, trying to follow Condor's quips and Naruto's nonsensical bird noises, before offering the Third Hokage a pleading look. "Please tell me you're joking," he says flatly.

The old man makes a noise of disagreement and shakes his head. "Now you see why I did not give you the specifics until you got here. I'm sure you realise the delicate situation we're in. The fate of the village itself could be in jeopardy."

"What? Seriously?" Condor wants to know, sounding impressed.

"I honestly don't see how it's different from usual," Sasuke mutters. "Either the demon's sharing headspace with an ostrich, or the village idiot. At least one of them is housetrained."

"Why you – asshole!" Naruto howls, trying to lunge at the other boy. Strong hands wrap around his body, keeping him still, and he twists around to glower at Kakashi. Inoichi is just as annoyed with the man.

"You _told_ them? I know you have questionable methods, Kakashi, but coming right out and disclosing sensitive information!"

"It didn't exactly happen that way."

"Don't get mad at Kakashi-sensei. It really wasn't his fault," Sakura defends loyally.

"Yeah! That jerk bird is the one with the big mouth!" Naruto agrees.

"That's eye snot laughing at nose snot," Condor retorts.

"What does that even mean?!"

"Once you get the facts and you think about it, it's really not much of a secret," Sakura continues in a louder voice to drown them out. "Anyone with half a brain can make the connection between Naruto's age and the disappearance of the fox demon. Add to it the time since the attack and the general attitude of people in the village, and the answer is obvious."

"The only reason no one's said anything is because you probably put a gag order on it, right?" Sasuke adds, addressing the Hokage. "No one's allowed to talk about it, so no one our age or younger knows. Logically, it's sound. Within half a generation, no one would even know the secret, so any enemy hoping to find out could torture us and never discover the truth."

"Oh," Sakura says, eyes wide. "I never thought of that…"

"That's because you're not a morbid psycho like him," Naruto mutters.

"Tell me about it," Condor says, bemusedly shaking his head at Sasuke.

The Hokage appears to be smiling, but Inoichi continues to look stunned. "You're taking this oddly well," he finally manages, eyeing the group of them.

"Yeah, well, Naruto's our teammate and he's saved our lives a bunch of times. Even if we've saved him more," Sakura says matter-of-factly. "He might be a total mess, but he's our mess. Right, Sasuke?"

Sasuke crosses his arms, and only grunts out a terse, "Hm," which in Sasuke-speak could mean, 'yes,' 'no,' or 'I'm throwing myself into a potentially deadly situation to show off how awesome I am.'

Naruto chooses to believe it's the foremost option and is immediately hit by a wave of gratitude toward his teammates.

Since the stupid bird opened his mouth, Naruto has been angry and terrified because he never wanted his team to know. He has enough trouble recognising the truth about the Nine Tails for himself and, despite their relatively easy-going reactions earlier, he's still anxious they might decide to avoid him. Or worse, abandon him and the team – the only true friends he's ever had. Without them, he'll never become a great ninja or Hokage, and if they were to share the information with other people? Everyone knows that there's something wrong with him, but they don't know what it is. And the idea that his teammates might be the ones to reveal that information? There would be nothing worse.

Except they've done the exact opposite. Even that ass, Sasuke, is sticking by him.

Tears well in his eyes. For the first time in his life, he feels as if there's one less burden that he needs to worry about.

Except the whole being an ostrich thing.

 _That still sucks._

Kakashi side-eyes Inoichi and, even with the mask, it's clear he's smirking. "You were saying about my methods?"

Inoichi mumbles something unintelligible while Naruto strides toward his teammates, tears in his eyes. "You guys…you guys are so great!"

"Ew, Naruto! Your eyes are leaking all over me!" Sakura cries, shoving the large bird body into Sasuke.

"Cut it out, moron!" Sasuke snaps and then, as Naruto accidentally treads on his foot, "Shit!"

"Sasuke, are you okay?"

"Just leave me alone…"

Kakashi emits a long-suffering sigh. "Never mind."

ナルト

"If you've all finished," the Third Hokage says dryly. "I would think this was a matter you'd want resolved sooner rather than later?"

"Hell yes!" Sakura declares, and then flushes when she realises how loud she was. "Sorry."

"Inoichi, see to Naruto and Condor first," Lord Sarutobi says, "as the issue is more pressing."

Even though she understands why (ostrich guarding a demon, after all), Sakura can't help but be impatient. Judging from the commiserating look Sasuke shares with her, he's of the same opinion.

Ino's father steps forward and places a hand on Naruto's head. When Condor makes no move to come any closer, Kakashi not-so-discreetly elbows him forward, causing him to stumble, and his head lands neatly in Inoichi's other hand.

The blond man shuts his eyes and concentrates, his expression utterly identical to the one Sakura has seen on Ino's face dozens of times. Although it's impossible for her to actually see minds switch places, when she and Ino were friends, she used to let Ino train by practicing on her and, inevitably, there is always a sudden tensing of muscles and straightening of the spine when one's mind gets moved or supplanted.

 _Probably a delayed neurological reaction._

It's because of this lack of response in Naruto or Condor that Sakura is the first observer to realise that Inoichi's attempt has not worked. A sinking feeling enters her stomach, growing all the worse when Inoichi removes his hands and looks grim.

"I can't," he says tensely to a chorus of disbelief. He raises a hand to silence them and continues, "It's possible the greater difficulty is because cross-species mind transfers are different. We don't use them very often for exactly this purpose. It's hard to reverse."

 _Yeah, no kidding. Ino once got stuck in a frog for_ days _…_

"So how do you get around that normally?" Kakashi asks.

"We'll just have to bring in more members of the clan to boost the power of the jutsu," Inoichi dismisses. "In the meantime, let's reverse the other two. Human-to-human should be no problem."

Naruto makes a complaining noise, but Condor is smug. "So, I might get a chance to eat human food before all this is over after all?"

"Don't look so pleased," Kakashi chides as Sakura and Sasuke hurry forward. Sasuke, who hates to be touched, all but fixes Inoichi's hand on his forehead himself. Sakura doesn't really blame him; she's never really liked her body, but being trapped in someone else's is a nightmare.

 _I promise I will never try to change the way I look ever again if I can have my own skin back! I'll never diet again! I'll stop complaining about how easy I freckle! I'll…I don't know!_

Again Inoichi closes his eyes and, out of reflex, Sakura does the same, clenching her eyelids tight. She tries to focus, imagining that maybe if her mind is really intent on getting back to where it's supposed to be, it will ease the process.

It appears to be working.

There's a dizzying, pulling sensation in her head, almost like standing up too quickly. The world feels like it's tilting and there's a rush of sound in her ears –

And then she feels a disconcerting jerk throughout her entire body and her eyes spring open.

Inoichi staggers back, blood trickling from his nose, eyes wide in disbelief. "That's not possible," he says, and Sakura whirls around to stare at Sasuke to see if it worked, only to realise she's still staring out at him from his eyes. Sasuke's expression is stricken, and before he manages to force her features into a blank mask, she recognizes panic there.

"It's not just Naruto and Condor, is it?" Lord Hokage says quietly as if he expected as much.

"The technique is stronger than any I know of," Inoichi says, wiping his face. "Whatever it is, it was designed for permanence."

"'Permanence?'" Sakura whispers, horrified. It feels like an icy hand has gripped her heart.

"It isn't just your minds that have been swapped, but your souls," Inoichi says, his expression stormy. "Explain how this happened."

Sasuke's jaw is set, as if he doesn't trust himself to speak out loud without cursing or worse. Naruto is effectively mute, and Condor is smirking about the whole thing. Considering Kakashi wasn't there to witness what happened, Sakura finds herself the only one capable of telling the tale.

Forcing down her mounting fear, she quickly explains about finding the tomb with Sasuke and the fight that ensued. Guiltily, she recounts how it was her temper which shattered the shrine and likely set off the wards. At this point, she can't look her teammates in the eye or continue, so Kakashi takes over, relaying the discovery they made afterward.

"It sounds as if you stumbled on the lost tomb of Noboru Yamanaka," Inoichi tells them. "In which case, it will definitely take more than a few additional clan members to boost the jutsu. We'll need to find the exact technique to switch you back – and that will take a while."

"Define 'a while,'" Sasuke utters through gritted teeth.

"More than a few hours, I can tell you that. There are a lot of records to go through. It could be days. It could be weeks."

Sakura thinks she's having a minor heart attack because _she is going to be stuck in Sasuke's body for days…possibly weeks?!_ Condor laughs in delight as if it's the funniest thing in the world and, finally losing his patience, Sasuke growls and lunges at the blond.

"What do you think you're doing, you lunatic?!" Condor yelps while Naruto flaps his wings angrily, yelling and pecking at them (he doesn't seem to care who he hits). With no other recourse, Sakura has to throw herself forward as well, if only to keep Naruto from gouging holes into her body.

"Enough, all of you!" Lord Third booms with enough command in his voice that even Condor freezes and looks slightly ashamed. "This is not helping the matter."

The guys all slide away from each other, and Sakura takes deep breaths. There's no point to passing out from hyperventilation.

"There's a way to reverse it and we won't give up until we do. It's just a matter of research and patience," Inoichi tells them. He glances at the Hokage. "It will definitely take a while, however. Our old clan records are written in a different dialect. We'll need a translator working on it."

"I'll have someone from cryptology assigned to the case," Lord Third acknowledges.

"While we're waiting for that, I'll speak to the older members of the clan. They might have a clue where to start."

"That's a good idea," Sakura says. "Maybe we should do that, too?"

"Sorry, Sas–Sakura. They won't speak to outsiders," Ino's father says, offering her a tentative, comforting smile. "You guys will just have to sit tight for a bit."

"'Sit tight?' That's your great advice?" Sasuke snaps. "I'm stuck in a girl's body and all you can come up with is 'sit tight?' This is supposed to be your clan's speciality. You'd think you could come up with something better!"

"Sasuke," Kakashi reprimands and Sasuke scowls, but doesn't apologise.

Sakura, on the other hand, is annoyed; surprisingly, it's not with Inoichi.

"Well, it's not exactly fun being stuck in a boy's body, either," she tells Sasuke, her hands on her hips. "Want to ask Kakashi-sensei just how 'not fun' it is?"

Her teacher makes a choking noise, but Sasuke simply turns red and shuts up. They both know she's referring to her surreal yet necessary trip to empty her bladder. What Sasuke doesn't know is that she accidentally peed on Kakashi's feet trying to figure out how to do it right, but she's so upset right now that even the fact that he's _Sasuke_ doesn't erase her emotions spinning wildly out of control.

Also, it's somehow easier to talk back to him right now. It's like the things that bother her about Sasuke are easier to notice when he's wearing her face instead of his own. She ignores what that says about her.

"Well, we might not be able to ask the Yamanaka clan elders, but perhaps we can approach it another way," Kakashi points out quickly, evidently trying to avoid further outbursts from Sakura. "Starting with the Noboru tomb. Why was it lost in the first place?"

"Knowing the story might help us see it from a different angle," Sasuke agrees tensely, refusing to look at anyone.

"I doubt you'll find out much from that. It's just stories that were passed down by the family. A lot of it could be wrong," Inoichi warns.

"It's still a start."

"Not much of one," Ino's father sighs.

"If enough dust is piled up, it too becomes a mountain," Lord Third pronounces sagely. "You will tell us what you can – and I have some scrolls in my residence on the different clans who have joined Konoha. Perhaps there is something there as well." He considers the body-swap victims. "And perhaps I can offer you all something to eat. You must be hungry."

At that moment, Sakura's borrowed stomach give a loud protest. Both Sasuke and Condor reflexively clutch their stomachs, and Naruto gives a groan of agreement.

"And I imagine Kakashi could use a cup of sake."

"Kakashi could," their sensei admits wearily.

ナルト

Sasuke stares down at the bowl of tsumire in front of him, swallowing the lump in his throat.

On the one hand, he really is hungry. They haven't eaten since leaving that village yesterday; the impromptu body-swap made dinner a little bit less of a priority. On the other hand, there's the natural consequence of eating that he really, really wants to avoid.

He's already feeling a tightness in his bladder that doesn't bode well.

Beside him, Sakura is looking at her own bowl as if she expects it to attack. Across from them, Condor and Naruto are dedicatedly digging in to bowls of hijiki that have been placed before them. They're making an equally big mess of the Hokage's dining table, causing Inoichi Yamanaka to regard them with mild repulsion.

Kakashi, used to Naruto's eating habits, barely flinches, calmly sipping his sake.

 _Through that damned mask, too. Wouldn't that affect the taste?_

It occurs to Sasuke that he might be the only sane person in the room besides the Hokage. And if Naruto's stories about the guy's secret perversions are true, maybe not so much.

Sasuke's stomach gives a yowling complaint and he winces. He feels a lot hungrier than he should – almost nauseous – which is odd even with how long it's been since they last stopped for food. He suspects Sakura might not have consumed as much as she should have back in the village.

She's always making throwaway comments about watching her weight, but he never thought it was more than something girls just said.

 _If she's been eating like a bird this whole time, no wonder she always gets in some kind of trouble. She doesn't have enough energy built up to fight!_

Shinobi need to keep their strength up and, considering some of the abilities they are capable of, that means eating quite a lot. He and Naruto put away at least three times the calories of a civilian kid their age on a normal day of training; after missions that require them to use even the most basic of jutsu, Sasuke has been known to completely demolish whatever sustenance is left in his pantry.

He glowers down at the food in front of him once more and emits a resigned sigh. They're going to be stuck in these bodies for a while. If it was guaranteed they only had a day or two, maybe he could tough it out. But Inoichi effectively put the kibosh on that.

 _Just get it over with already!_

He picks up his chopsticks and starts eating.

Sakura makes a noise of surprise, as if she either wasn't expecting this, or was waiting all along. Then, adopting a similar expression of resignation, also begins to eat. Slowly, and daintily, and taking such small bites she might as well be at a formal ceremony for all the nutritional value she's getting.

If this keeps up, he's going to have to be around her at meal times just to make sure she's eating enough to keep his body's metabolism from getting screwed up.

He shoots Naruto and the bird an annoyed look as they continue to polish off their dinner, and thinks that maybe they got the best deal after all.

"Here it is." The Third Hokage's voice brings Sasuke out of his resentful thoughts as the old man returns to the main room, balancing a large, aged scroll in his hands. "There isn't much on the subject, I'm afraid. Information that predates the village is hard to come by – until Konoha was founded, information was passed on orally."

"And still is," Inoichi says. "I'm sure the only information on the Yamanaka in those records pertains to the clan since we've been part of the village."

"That's less than seventy years worth," Sakura protests, pausing with her chopsticks halfway to her mouth. "Ino said your family didn't settle here until her grandfather was a baby."

Inoichi nods. "Yes. Which is a problem for us because Noboru existed about three centuries ago."

"That was during the Warring States period – there's no one alive who remembers that!"

"No. But most of us have been told the stories."

"Then would you mind telling us instead of beating around the bush?" Sasuke grumbles.

"Sasuke." It's the Hokage who reprimands him this time, and so he doesn't pursue it.

Inoichi shoots him a frown of dislike, but continues nonetheless.

"During the Warring States, the Yamanaka were one of the most feared clans due to their ability to possess the minds of others," Inoichi explains. Their talent was known far and wide and often used to the advantage of other clans. Even the Senju and the Uchiha commissioned us for their feuds."

Sasuke blinks at the sound of his name.

"However, what none of those other clans knew back then was that the Yamanaka used their gift to maintain a kind of immortality."

"I don't understand," Condor says. "How does your ability allow for immortality?"

"The strongest of the clan would give birth to the new generation and raise those children with the sole purpose of transferring their minds and souls. Those children effectively died as soon as they reached maturity, their bodies becoming the vessels for their elders."

"That's horrible!" Sakura gasps.

"It's a dark time in our history," Inoichi agrees. "It wouldn't have changed, except for one man—Inosuke Yamanaka."

"Wait. I know that name. I read it in a book, I think. Wasn't he the first Yamanaka clan leader to establish ties with the Nara and the Akimichi?"

"Yes. But that wasn't what he was destined to become when he was born. His father, Noboru, was the most powerful of the Yamanaka Elders. On his eighteenth birthday, Inosuke was forced to undergo the mind transference ritual. Somehow, though, he escaped."

"How?" Sasuke asks.

"No one knows. Our stories say that he was as talented as his father. Considering he defeated the ritual, I'd say he was more. However he did it, he got his freedom. Inosuke fled his people's land and lived for a time in ignominy. News spread of the growing might of the Yamanaka, who were now beginning to take prisoners from surrounding clans; people they intended to reduce to their basic functions in order to use them as vessels."

Sakura looks a little sick at the idea, but Sasuke is unsurprised. He knows that every shinobi clan has some kind of dark history and anyone who pretends otherwise is a hypocrite. His own clan is steeped in dark deeds, if the secrets he found beneath the Naka shrine are any indication. Still, the idea of robbing future generations of their bodies and wills is mildly unsettling even for him.

"Inosuke felt it was his duty to stop his people. He wandered to the clans and settlements in the area, trying to explain the root of the Yamanaka's power. He tried to rally a force to defeat the clan and end the practice that took so many lives. But those who believed him did not have the force to help him, and those who didn't believe thought he was a spy and chased him from their midst. Opposing the Yamanaka was considered suicide. Some even hoped that if they returned him to the Yamanaka, they would gain immunity."

"You humans are rather thick," Condor muses.

"Can I hurt him?" Sakura asks Sasuke. "Please?"

"I'm not stopping you."

"I am," Kakashi says, warning in his tone. He indicates Inoichi should keep talking. "So he was captured?"

"Yes. And when that happened, he decided that even if he died in the process, he would still try to destroy the clan. He didn't fight when he was brought before the elders, making them believe he had given up. They gathered everyone together to make an example of him. But when Noboru attempted to take him over, he dragged his elder into a battle in the aether –"

"The what?" Condor asks and, judging by the inquisitive whine, Naruto also wants to know.

"It's a bit like a separate plane of existence," Kakashi puts in. "The Yamanaka ability is based on their ability to navigate it."

"Exactly," Inoichi confirms. "It's said they both battled for hours but, in the end, Noboru was still too strong. Inosuke was doomed to die – until the village was attacked."

"Wait – _what_?!" Sakura demands.

"While the Yamanaka were busy making an example of Inosuke, two of the clans he visited – the Nara and the Akimichi – arrived in the dead of night. By combining their own special techniques, they completely decimated the Yamanaka clan holdings and wiped out the older generation."

"And that's why your clans are always together," Sakura concludes.

Inoichi nods. "Yes. After the destruction of the elders, the particular technique they used for immortality was classified as forbidden. Along with Inosuke and his descendants, the Nara and the Akimichi agreed to stand as guardians to ensure that power was never abused again."

"And Noboru?" Kakashi wants to know.

"Because of how old and powerful he was – after all, he had lived and taken many lives before his defeat – his soul couldn't simply be freed from a body. He would just possess the nearest one, without even needing to use jutsu. So, by the efforts of Inosuke and the heads of the other two clans, he was entombed in a shrine that was warded against his escape."

The silence that follows is a thoughtful one.

"But if that's what happened, what does that have to do with us getting switched?" Sakura asks.

"A defense against anyone attempting to open the shine," Inoichi clarifies. "In days of old, intruders would have been incapacitated and dealt with. As time went on, however, it was believed that Noboru had long ago wasted away and his soul passed on."

"So the shrine was abandoned," Kakashi notes.

"Yes."

"Hold on," Sasuke says suddenly, brows creased in a frown. "If we opened it and set it off, and we were the nearest bodies…"

Sakura gasps, catching on. "How do we know Noboru didn't get into one of us and he's just pretending?"

"No," Inoichi dismisses easily. "I would have noticed before when I tried to switch you back. You likely only set off the trap. I image his spirit is still locked in the shrine."

"But we will be sending a team to ensure that right away," Lord Third speaks up. "Should his escape be likely, we'll deal with it appropriately. But for you four, it's not the immediate concern. Your current circumstances are."

"You've got that right," Sakura mutters. "We've got to do something! We can't just stand around here and wait!"

"That's exactly what you're going to do."

There's a ringing silence, broken once the words sink in.

"What?!"

"CAW?!

ナルト

Following Lord Third's mandate of inaction, it's as if a room full of explosive tags has just been detonated. The three kids and the ostrich protest, their voices rising from indignant to utterly furious.

"Enough," the Hokage commands, the one word not shouted, but still able to pierce through the din. "At this point, there is no choice but to wait for headway to be made."

Kakashi winces at the mutinous expressions on his students' faces. They look like they want to throttle the old man right now and although he knows that in their current state, taking them down would be easy, he really doesn't want to have to.

"So we're supposed to just sit here. And do nothing. For days. Possibly weeks," Sasuke repeats, incredulous. "That's it? That's all you can give us?"

"It would also be best if your present circumstances were kept secret," Lord Third says, and although the wording makes it sound like a suggestion, everyone in the room knows that it's anything but.

"Why? So we don't bother you with our problems?"

"Well, that too," Kakashi speaks up, thinking quickly. He needs to diffuse the situation before his student crosses the boundary of acceptable attitude. He ignores the venomous glare trained on him, knowing that if it weren't for the new body, an activated Sharingan would be focussed on him right now.

The term 'slay with a look' makes a lot more sense once you've been subjected to one from Sasuke. He has it down to an art form – contemptuous, cold, and so full of anger that, even if his clan wasn't known for their fire jutsu, it could possibly melt shuriken…or the flesh from the bones of someone annoying him. In most cases, it's Naruto, but Kakashi has gotten a few of those looks.

He privately hopes that he never has to see what Sasuke looks like when he's truly furious.

"More practically speaking," he goes on, "it's good training and it will protect you all."

"How do you figure?" Sakura asks stiffly.

"If anyone discovers you are occupying each other's bodies, it might suggest vulnerability," Inoichi says, catching on to Kakashi's thinking. "Not just on a personal scale, but for the village as well."

"Sasuke is the last of an old and distinguished shinobi clan," Lord Third admonishes. Clearly the three adults in the room are all on the same page. Good to know. "There are many who would attempt to get their hands on him to discover the secrets of the Uchiha. Perhaps even try to take possession of his eyes."

Sakura gulps, and even Sasuke looks cautious at this.

"Without being able to move properly in his body, Sakura might leave him open to attack." The lone female member of their team hangs her head at this and Lord Third continues, "As for Sakura, she's very intelligent and knows more about Konoha and its history than many jōnin do. It's a wealth of information if she's taken unawares and, at the moment, Sasuke, your responsiveness is not up to your usual standard."

Sasuke clenches his fist.

"Foremost, of course, there's the issue of the Nine-Tails," Inoichi says. "If enemies were to discover the village's jinchūriki –"

"The village's _what_?" Condor interrupts, the question chorusing with Naruto's confused squawk. Well, as confused as an ostrich can sound anyhow.

Inoichi shoots Kakashi a look of disbelief.

"That actually didn't come up," Kakashi tells the blond man helpfully. Sasuke looks a little nonplussed, but Sakura seems thoughtful. She doesn't appear confused by the concept of a jinchūriki, but considering how she studies Naruto, it's possible she hasn't really thought through the exact ramifications of her teammate being one.

Inoichi pinches the bridge of his nose. "For all intents and purposes, it's an individual with a tailed beast inside of them."

"A tailed beast? You mean there are more…giant super predators out there?!" Condor demands.

"Caw?!"

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi interjects. "If anyone knew that the Nine-Tails is currently in a body with nothing but an ostrich soul guarding it –"

"Excuse you! What's that supposed to mean?" Condor challenges. "There's that speciesism I was talking about! You humans, thinking you're the top of the food chain. My ancestors walked the planet picking their teeth with your bones!"

"It's not a matter of superiority or inferiority in this case," Inoichi says quietly. "A soul is a soul. But the complexity of the seal needed to contain a tailed beast – it involves not just melding a chakra monster with the body of its host, but also its soul."

"Let me put it another way," Lord Third says. "The seal was custom made with Naruto's soul in mind – not Condor's. And while they might be equal in every other respect, Condor's is still not the one that's tied into keeping the Nine-Tails contained."

"So, he's like a ticking time bomb right now?" Sasuke asks suspiciously. Naruto hisses at him.

"Not exactly. The seal can't be broken unless the jinchūriki allows it to weaken or some outside force does so. As I suspect Condor is not keen on interacting with the Nine-Tails –"

"You've got that right!"

"- the only thing we have to worry about is someone on the outside learning about what's happened. They could capture him and forcibly extract it."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Condor muses. "Getting rid of the fox in my head might make enjoying this meat sack a little easier."

"In previous instances where extraction of the tailed beast has occurred, the jinchūriki usually die."

"That means you, moron," Sasuke tells the bird.

Condor pales. "Oh. Well. Let's _not_ do that then."

"Furthermore, if this ostrich is returned to his owner or even to one of our reserves, we might lose track of Naruto," Lord Third says. "Possibly forever, if a poacher were to stumble upon him at the right time."

"The point is, you guys can't show that you're vulnerable," Kakashi concludes. "Just pretend like everything is normal until we figure this out."

"Normal," Sasuke repeats, staring at him as if he has two heads. " _What part of any of this is normal_?!"

"What about telling our…I mean, I should tell my parents, shouldn't I?" Sakura speaks up hesitantly.

Kakashi notices how delicate she's trying to be, but even so, Sasuke and Naruto both tense up. He knows from experience that neither likes the reminder that they have no other family.

"No, you can't," he tells her. "I've met your parents –"

"What? When?!"

" – and knowing you're in Sasuke's body probably won't stop them from wanting you to stay in their house. Which would lead to questions because, to my knowledge, that's never happened before."

"Not to mention everyone else we know would ask why I was staying at your house," Sasuke adds in resignation.

"So, no, you won't tell your parents. Sasuke will simply have to stay at your home and pretend he's you, and vice versa."

"Yeah, but…" Sakura hesitates again, glancing at her teammate apologetically, and then saying, "They're going to notice if I start, um, not acting like myself."

"You mean acting like a pretentious clot," Condor supplies while Naruto nods fervently in agreement beside him.

"That is _so_ not what I meant!" Sakura cries defensibly. "I just – it's only…we're really different, and my mother is definitely going to know, and –"

"This is a horrible plan," Sasuke interrupts.

"Look at it as continued training," Kakashi suggests. "A means of practicing your ability to insert yourself into a situation. You've all mastered the Transformation jutsu, but none of you have managed to pull off acting like your intended target after the fact."

"In undercover missions, shinobi often have to take out and replace the enemy in a way that can't be detected. Sometimes for months at a time," Inoichi adds. "There are even some who are so skilled at infiltration that they can hold out under even the most skilled interrogators."

Sasuke's face has finally smoothed slightly and, although he still isn't impressed, Kakashi finally seems to have gotten through to the logical part of him.

 _Good. If there were ever a day he decided to lose it and set someone on fire, it would probably be today. And I really, really don't need that._

His head throbs in agreement. As soon as he gets home, he is going to sleep. He won't even finish rereading _Icha Icha Paradise_ beforehand.

 _Well…maybe just one chapter…_

"You've known Sakura long enough and being on the same team has put you in close quarters," Kakashi goes on. "Even Naruto should have the ability to pretend to be her."

"Hey!" Sakura cries, offended. Kakashi isn't sure if it's on Naruto's behalf or the idea that her teammates could pull off pretending to be her.

 _To be honest, Naruto_ would _have an easier time pretending to be Sakura. I doubt Sasuke even noticed until today that she wears contact_ _lenses. For_ _a kid with a Sharingan, he's remarkably short-sighted…_

"And what's she going to be doing in all this time?" Sasuke wants to know. "Staying in my apartment?"

Sakura suddenly goes rigid, face blossoming with colour. Kakashi imagines he can see steam pouring out of her ears at the prospect of living in the home of the boy she has a crush on.

 _Best nip that in the bud right away. She might have an aneurysm or something._

"No. I think during this time, Sakura should stay with me," Kakashi decides. "I don't think wandering around the Uchiha compound alone is a good idea. And I can be on hand in case you have any other…" He coughs. "…issues."

This time, it's _both_ Sakura and Sasuke that turn the colour of ripe tomatoes. They immediately stare in the exact opposite direction.

Kakashi is also very conscious of the shoes he will be throwing out once he returns home.

"B-b-but Sasuke's never stayed with you alone before! Won't someone ask questions?" Sakura inquires quickly, her borrowed voice cracking again. Sasuke's entire body shudders and Naruto cackles.

"If anyone does, our story will be that you and I are working on advanced Sharingan techniques," Kakashi answers. "In fact, if this lasts as long as Inoichi suggests, all of you could benefit from working with one another to improve your abilities. Just encountering those bandits, I've seen several areas that need improvement."

"No kidding," Sasuke mutters.

"That means no high level techniques until you are in control of yourselves," Lord Third cautions. "Even then, I would avoid all but the basic abilities."

They are all quiet at that, although the silence is more speculative than angry this time.

Naruto begins a loud, angry diatribe of grunts and bleeps. Condor rolls his eyes and sighs. "As monosyllabic as our knuckleheaded companion here is, he makes a good point. Exactly what is to be done about our situation? Am I to reside with him in his…nest? Or are we to return to that twit who believes himself to be my owner?"

"Neither," Lord Third says. "Naruto and Condor, you must stick together until a solution is discovered. I'll deal with your…well, with the individual who hired Team 7 for the mission. It seems someone promised I would remove Condor to a nature preserve, anyhow."

He eyes Sakura meaningfully.

She clears her throat and shuffles her feet.

"I will arrange for a safe location where you can both stay. I doubt Naruto's landlady will be pleased with a…guest staying with him," Lord Third continues. "And, given the serious nature of having the Nine-Tails in Condor's body, it would be prudent to add a failsafe or two to ensure the seal isn't compromised. From now until the situation resolves itself, I will be assigning a second jōnin to Team 7."

"Lord Hokage, I don't think that's a good idea," Kakashi says. "The fewer people know about what's happened, the safer."

"Yes. And under regular circumstances, I would agree. However, with the possibility of the Nine-Tails breaking free, we can't afford to make mistakes. There is one among our corps who excels at chakra repression and would be invaluable to this mission."

Kakashi's eyes widen. "You mean…"

"Yes," Lord Third says shortly. "I will send for him as soon as he returns from his latest mission."

Naruto chirrups an inquiry.

"We'll discuss it later," Kakashi tells him. He has a feeling he's going to be saying that a lot in the future.

"In the meantime, I will reiterate that this is to remain secret," Lord Third admonishes, looking straight at Sasuke. "And if it helps keep you properly focussed, consider this your next mission. A B-rank infiltration of each other's lives. Guard your secret as if your lives depend on it – because they could."

"Lord Hokage?" Sakura questions.

He offers her a grim smile. "It isn't only outsiders who might take advantage of your…condition. Don't allow them to."

"If this is such a big security issue, why don't you just send us all to a secure facility and tell people we're on a long-term mission until we're fixed?" Sasuke asks.

"Because we're genin," Sakura answers, "and our missions aren't supposed to last more than a few days. People would notice."

"And...can you imagine you four, locked away somewhere for longer than a week?" Kakashi points out.

His students give a collective shudder.

"As we learn more about the situation, we will amend our approach," Lord Hokage says. "Until then..." He trails off, orders already given, then gestures at Naruto and Condor. "You two, stay here. We have arrangements to make. The rest of you should go. I have no doubt you're tired from your journey, and you have your own preparations to make."

With that, he turns and heads back to his desk, ostensibly to begin notifying Condor's owner and calling in backup. Inoichi gives Kakashi one last commiserating look and joins the Hokage in his search for a cryptologist to be sent for immediately.

Kakashi sighs.

 _This is going to be fun…_

つづく

* * *

 _Reviews and concrit are always greatly appreciated!_

 ** _クリ_**


	5. Five

**Chapter Beta:** Sakura's Unicorn

 **Also, OC alert. Deal with it.**

* * *

The door of the Hokage's office closes with a _click_ , leaving Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi in the empty outer hallway.

"That's it?" Sakura squeaks, and Sasuke wonders how it's possible for her to make his voice sound like that. "That's all we get?"

"I thought it was pretty clear," Kakashi replies, sounding bored, as he starts down the hallway. With no other recourse, Sasuke and Sakura follow him.

"How can either of you think this is going to work?" Sakura laments. " _He's_ never going to convince my parents – especially not my mom!" Sasuke bristles at this, not used to being the one that people expect to fail in a task. "We should just…both use _henge_ whenever we're around other people."

"All right. If you think you can," Kakashi says easily. He leans back against the wall and raises an eyebrow. "Let's see how long you can keep it up."

At this, Sakura and Sasuke exchange glances and then make their hand signs in unison. Nothing happens.

"And that's the problem with your cunning plan," Kakashi says. "Not to mention that for genin of your level, sustaining a transformation over a long period of time is next to impossible. If this little swap lasts longer than Lord Hokage and Inoichi expect, we can reopen the discussion. But for now, we stick to the basics."

"The basics being lying and subterfuge," Sakura mutters.

"You wanted to be a ninja," Kakashi reminds her. "And on that note, I leave you two to work out the kinks yourselves."

Sasuke thinks their teacher is a little too obvious in his relief at not being around for _that_ experience – or any of the others.

" _Ehh_?! You're just leaving? And what, we just…head home now?"

"You should head to Sasuke's apartment. Pack a bag, seeing as how you're going to stay with me. I've got my own preparations to make."

There's a puff of smoke and he's gone.

"I hate when he does that," Sakura mutters and Sasuke silently agrees.

With nothing else for it, they head for the Uchiha district.

Luckily for them, it's still early enough that there aren't many people walking the streets, and they reach the compound quickly. Sakura has never been to Sasuke's house before, something both are chiefly conscious of; he doesn't let anyone inside if he doesn't have to.

"I can just wait out here," she says when they reach his front door, folding her elbows in nervously.

Now that they're alone, she's reverted to that irritating, awkward, shy-girl front. He hates when she does that – pretending to be demure when he's seen her put Naruto on his back with a well-placed right hook. Life's too short for false modesty, and the only good thing to come out of this whole disaster so far was when she started to talk to him like she would anyone else.

"Don't be stupid. You look like me. You're expected to go inside," he tells her harshly.

"Oh. Right."

"Well, go on. Open the door." He rolls his eyes, and she hesitantly does. The familiar smell of cedarwood, incense, and tatami washes over them.

Sakura lingers by the door after they close it.

"Well…I'll just wait in the entrance or –"

"Whatever," he interrupts, slipping out of his shoes and striding into the apartment. Mentally, he makes a catalogue of things that she will need as him – clothes, weapons, toiletries – anything he can think of to ensure she doesn't have to come back here and root through his home.

He supposes Kakashi would have extras of anything actually necessary, but still.

As he tracks down an old duffel bag and begins to fill it with items, he tries not to feel hyper-aware of her presence. Even if he couldn't sense Sakura's chakra in such close proximity, he would know that there was another human being occupying space in his home. It's been a long time since anyone actually came this far. When Lord Third drops off his monthly allowance, he only ever comes as far as the entrance; any other rare visitors stop at the door.

It's relatively quick work to go through his closet and drawers for everyday clothing, but he completely freezes when he reaches his underwear drawer. The absurdity of this whole situation hits him again.

 _Sakura is in my body. She's going to be wearing my clothes, my_ underwear _, and –_

His brain practically stutters.

If they are really going to be trapped like this for days, Sakura's earlier worry is an imminent reality. At some point, they're going to have to bathe. There's no way around it.

 _Unless you're Naruto, who I seriously doubt has taken a shower in the past week._

As lame as their missions are, Sasuke and his teammates usually end up sweaty, dirty, and (sometimes) bloody by the end of them. And while he might be able to avoid looking at this borrowed body of his directly – avoiding mirrors and pretending he doesn't notice how _odd_ it feels to walk – he won't be able to ignore it when nature calls.

In fact, he _really_ has to pee right now.

Any kind of bathroom activity means that, at some point, both of them are going to have to touch each other's… _parts_.

Sakura, the girl whose crush on him is utterly obvious and inarguable, will get intimately acquainted with his body. If that isn't the most embarrassing idea in the world, it's only made that much more unbearable by the knowledge that he's going to have no choice but to touch a girl's body parts.

And not just any girl, but _Sakura_.

Someone he's been more or less aware of ever since first meeting her. Someone who he's unconsciously, unwillingly noticed in the past few weeks has started to develop in, well, _areas_. It's not like he wants to notice this, considering the information is utterly useless to his goal of revenge, but he's thirteen.

As Sakura unhelpfully pointed out earlier, a certain measure of it is biological. His own body is changing; there are some things he has no choice but to notice. The fact that his female teammate has started to wear a bra is one of them.

It's all made even worse considering he is genetically disposed to notice more than the average person. Of any problems caused by his kekkei genkai, this was definitely not one he was expecting –

 _Wait a minute. Sakura wears a bra. I'm in Sakura's body._ I'm _going to have to wear a –_

"Sasuke?"

He physically jolts back to the present and glowers up at the imposter using his voice.

Apparently, Sakura couldn't help her curiosity because she is lingering in the doorway of his room, examining it with wide eyes.

"You're so organised," she says tentatively.

He doesn't reply, furiously grabbing a bunch of boxers and shoving them into his bag in hopes that she's not watching what he's packing.

"You'll have to…um…relax a bit when you're at my house," she mumbles, shuffling forward to wander through the room. "I'm not a slob or anything, but…if things start looking too clean, you'll give yourself away." She trails her hand across his pristine dresser, and then gives a sudden cry of surprise. "You kept it!"

Sasuke glances up, noting that she is holding his framed copy of their team photograph. He can't help bristling at her tone, slightly offended. "What'd you think I was going to do with it, throw it out?"

"I don't know," she replies. "I mean, you weren't exactly happy about having to take it…"

"I just happened to put it there when I got home," Sasuke mutters, though his cheeks heat up a little at her knowing look; his lie isn't believable.

"Oh." Sakura says and looks away uncomfortably. She catches sight of something else poking out of the drawer and her fingers reach forward.

Sasuke shoves it back down and closes the drawer tightly before she can grab it. "That's none of your business." Bad enough she's offering commentary on his choice of memorabilia, all he needs is for her to find his old dinosaur plushie!

"S-sorry," she says, hands behind her back. "You'll have to, uh, make me a list of things I shouldn't do. Or shouldn't touch if I have to come back here. Or what I'm not allowed to say, and…" She shifts, uncomfortable. "And I guess we should make sure we can pass for each other before we leave."

"Yeah," Sasuke mutters, throwing a bunch of socks into the bag. "You give that a try."

He hears her shuffle.

"How's this?"

Her borrowed voice loses that higher pitch it's had since they swapped bodies. Sasuke glances up to see that she's adjusted her posture, shoving her hands on her pockets and slumping her shoulders forward. She's arranged his face into a scowl.

He mirrors the expression. _That's how she thinks I look?_

"Don't slump," he says instead. "It makes me look lazy."

She adjusts her stance. "Like this?"

"No. Now you're too relaxed. Anyone could take that as an invitation to attack you."

" _Tch_. As if you even know what you look like from the outside," she mutters.

Sasuke blinks. "That actually sounded like me."

"Really?" she beams.

"Until just then. Look, just don't talk to anyone and you'll be fine."

"Yeah, well, that might be normal for you, but it's not normal for me," she sniffs, and finally, the awkward, shrinking violet she'd reverted to disappears. "My vocal chords are going to rust from disuse."

"They're used to it."

"Not _these_ ones. My _actual_ vocal chords," she clarifies. "If you think you can get away with not talking to people for a few days – _or weeks –_ you've never met my family."

Sasuke tenses at this, the way he usually does when he hears the word _family._ Sakura's eyes fly to his clenched fists and her expression softens.

"Don't look at me like that!" he snaps because that expression on his face is jarringly reminiscent of his mother's face. He never realised how much he resembled her until just now. It just makes it worse.

"Listen," Sakura begins gently, "if this is going to be too hard for you, we'll go back to Lord Hokage and get him to –"

"No," Sasuke cuts her off, instantly annoyed at being coddled. "He said to treat this as a mission and he's right. We should be able to do this."

"Okay. So, we will. Do me. I-I mean, _pretend_ to be me," she hastily corrects herself, cheeks turning red.

He sighs, throwing the last sock into his bag, frowning as he tries to figure out how to proceed.

"If that's your attempt –"

"It's not!" he snaps.

"You're way too tense. You need to relax."

"I _am_ relaxed."

"For you, maybe, but that's not relaxed for me. So loosen up."

With a supreme amount of effort, he forces himself to ease the strain in his shoulders and unclench his fists. It feels completely unnatural, like someone could pull him apart if they tried; it's only his stubbornness that keeps him from tensing again.

Sakura seems to notice, however. "Seriously? We've been on the same team for almost a year now and you don't know me well enough to pretend to be me?" she demands.

"It's not exactly something I ever figured I was going to need!"

"Well, you need it now."

His eye twitches and he exhales angrily through his nose. Then he straightens up, squaring his shoulders the way he's seen her do when she's gearing up for something mildly unpleasant. With an exaggerated toss of her long pink locks (that are definitely going to need some getting used to!), he adopts an imperious expression as he approximates his version of Sakura's know-it-all demeanour.

"This is utterly ridiculous," he complains. "I could be doing something _important_ right now, like catching up on my beauty sleep or painting my nails."

Sakura's eye twitches. "I don't sound like that," she snaps.

He sneers at her and crosses his arms, unexpectedly filled with the same smug note of satisfaction he feels when needling Naruto. "You do so. Or it's –" He leans forward now, hands on his hips and chin jutted outward, " _Na-ru-to! You are sooooo immature. Could you grow up?"_

"Right. And you're so much better?" Sakura demands. She turns and frowns off into the distance, assuming an excessively low and sinister voice. "I am Sasuke Uchiha. I'm so broody and mysterious that no one could possibly know my pain because I'm too much of a superstar to let anyone in!"

This time it's his turn to glare. "I don't do that."

"Well, now you know how I feel!" They exchange annoyed frowns and then Sakura sighs. "This isn't working. All we're doing is making each other mad. Let's try something else." She considers for a moment, and then nods. "Okay. What if we come up with some kind of…stock reactions for different possible situations? It'll be like learning jutsu or formations."

Sasuke ruminates on this and decides he appreciates the analytical take on it. "That might work."

"Okay. Let's start with you, because you need more practise."

" _Tch_!"

ナルト

"First of all," Sakura declares matter-of-factly, "You can probably minimize about fifty percent of all interactions with people if you just smile."

"I hardly think it's _that_ important."

"Well, it is," she retorts. "My first year in the Academy, our kunoichi instructor said that a woman can use a smile as a weapon. It hides one's true feelings, and can be used to disarm someone before you even strike. So, think of it that way – a ruse to make people underestimate you."

It's a good, practical piece of advice which she thinks will appeal to Sasuke's purely functional view of the world. He seems to accept it as such because, after giving an annoyed sigh, he offers her his first attempt.

"That's a smirk, not a smile. It needs to be less…smug."

"I'm not smug."

"You look smug. And that'll _definitely_ get people asking you questions you don't feel like answering."

He grumbles and tries to rearrange his expression, forcing atrophied muscles into a clearly unfamiliar gesture. The result is a disaster. Sakura's eye twitches at the sight.

"You look like you just sat on a pine cone," she informs him solemnly.

Sasuke turns red, instantly losing the painful looking grimace and snaps, "Shut up! I'm working on it!"

"It's a smile, not a summoning jutsu. This should be –"

"If you say easy, I'm going to punch you."

"But it is!"

"Maybe for you. You're happy all the time. It's unnatural."

"I'm not happy _all_ the time," she exclaims, insulted by the notion. Granted, she hasn't dealt with the same kind of stuff that he or even Naruto have growing up, but to automatically assume that she has the perfect life shows just how uninterested he's been in her.

She tries to shove away the hurt at that realisation.

"Look, physiologically speaking, it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than to frown," she sighs, "It should be easy. Just…think of something funny or something that makes you happy."

"There's nothing."

"Really?" she cajoles. "Nothing? What about…sleeping in on your days off? Or when you trick Naruto into paying the lunch bill? Or when we get assigned a higher-ranking mission?"

He rolls his eyes. "Those things don't make me happy."

"Not even a little?"

"No."

She can't believe this. "So there's _nothing_ that you find amusing then? Nothing that makes you laugh? Do you even know _how_ to laugh?"

"It's not exactly a skill I need for my purposes."

"Hm." Sakura frowns at him, tapping her finger on her chin thoughtfully. Then she nods to herself and punches her fist into her palm. "All right. I have an idea. Desperate times call for desperate measures."

She steps closer to him, a determined expression on her face.

"What?"

"Don't you dare hit me," she commands. "I'm only doing this because I know how I'd react."

"Wha–"

And then she lurches forward, zeroing in on his sides just below the ribs.

"Hey!" he cries, trying to stagger back, an expression of utter confusion and worry on his face. "Hey – hey stop it!" She ignores him, focussing on the spots of her body that she knows are the most ticklish – and render her utterly useless. "Sakura, what are you – _ha!_ – what are you – _ha-_ _ha_! Stop that!"

"No," she replies, feeling a tiny, ruthless element of enjoyment. "You need to get used to how it feels to laugh, so…"

"Not – _ha-ha –_ not this - this way!" he gasps, words interspersed with astonished guffaws. "This – is – _ha!_ – ridiculous!"

But he is laughing, and even though it's her own face she's looking down at and her own voice that she's hearing, there's an underlying note of surprise and shock in his reaction that isn't hers. She knows with a sudden clarity that this is probably the first time he's laughed since his parents died. And even if it's not as hard won as making him laugh naturally by just saying the right thing, it's a start.

She continues her ruthless assault until they are both down on the ground, and he has curled his knees into his chest, laughing uncontrollably and trying to avoid her hands.

"Stop it!" he gasps, weakly beating away her fingers. "You'll make me piss myself!"

Which instantly causes both of them to freeze.

Then they separate very quickly, putting at least six feet of distance between each other.

Sakura supposes it's time. They have to have the discussion about bathroom usage and bathing habits sooner or later. She doesn't want to – honestly, she would rather spend a day hunting angry boars than bring it up at all – but she knows, if she doesn't say anything, he definitely won't.

 _Gods, and it's not just hygiene, either!_

She doubts he's noticed – she is fastidiously careful not to let anyone on the team know – but she's started getting her monthly cycle. And if this body-swap goes on longer than a month –

 _I'm going to throw up! How the hell am I supposed to talk about this to a guy?! And not just_ any _guy, but Sasuke Uchiha?!_

She groans pressing her face to her hands. "I can't believe this is happening."

"Tell me about it," Sasuke agrees, mutinous.

"Okay…okay. Let's just approach this calmly…and rationally," Sakura declares. "There's no point in…in us getting embarrassed over stuff we both have to do, right? So we don't have to…we don't have to talk about going to the b–"

"No."

"Okay. Okay. Good," she exhales in relief.

There's a long silence.

"Showers," Sasuke says after a minute through gritted teeth. "Not baths. And only when absolutely necessary."

"Right," she agrees. "We can take care of everything important without having to…expose anything we shouldn't. And even when we have to, we're just going to be very quick and…and detached about it. No…looking at stuff, or…or touching longer than necessary."

"Agreed," Sasuke says with a firmness that suggests he expects to be turned to stone if he considers the alternative.

Another long, awkward silence, both of them avoiding each other's eye.

"I have to tell you –"

"You should know –"

They both begin to speak at the same time, exchange embarrassed, panicked expressions, and then look away again.

"You first," Sakura mumbles.

"It's fine. You go."

"Oh. Um…okay. I'm just telling you this i-in case. I hope it doesn't become an issue, but we don't know how long this will go on and –"

"Spit it out, Sakura."

"I started my period three months ago," she blurts out. Sasuke freezes. "It should be another two weeks before…but in case you're still, uh, there when it happens, just so you're not surprised by it and, uh…"

"I'll figure it out," he replies, voice strangled.

"There's supplies in the drawer next to my bed, and painkillers, and –"

"I get it."

"Okay," she breathes. "But, if you need anything, or have any questions –"

"I won't," he interrupts, clearly not wanting to continue this particular line of discussion.

 _Fine. Just for that, I hope you do have to go through it. It might be a humbling experience for you._

"Make sure you only wear the loose shorts," Sasuke tells her suddenly, drawing her out of her somewhat vindictive thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Loose shorts," he repeats stiffly.

"Why?"

He shoots her an expression like she's dribbled on her shirt. "You'll know. Trust me. Also, make sure you know where Kakashi keeps his spare sheets. Just in case."

"Just in…" Sakura's eyes go wide as the penny drops. " _Oh."_

"Yeah, _oh._ Are we done?" Sasuke snaps. "Or do you want a diagram, too?"

"Don't get mad at me. You think I like this any better than you?" she cries.

"If you hadn't broken open the shrine, this wouldn't have happened."

"You don't know that for sure!"

"Got any other explanations then?"

"No…" she murmurs, looking down; she knows he's probably right, but it doesn't make her feel any less terrible about the whole thing. Her eyes start to feel tight and there's a sharp twinge in her nose, the precursor to tears.

"Hey!" Sasuke exclaims, eyes wide and somewhat panicked. "No! Don't do that! Don't cry. That's not…it's not going to help, okay? So, let's focus on what we can do to make this easier."

"It's not easy. It's not going to be easy. You're right, I messed things up for everyone," Sakura sniffs, rubbing at her eyes. "I get it if you hate me. I hate me right now."

"I don't hate you," he tells her through gritted teeth. "But crying about it isn't going to help. And you can't start bursting into tears at everything anymore."

"What do you mean, _anymore_?" she cries, self-pity instantly giving way to anger.

 _Gods, this body has more moods than I do!_

"Forget it," Sasuke sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Look, just…tell me what I have to do when I get to your house. I'm the one who apparently has to watch myself the most, right?"

"I guess," she agrees, sullen. "First of all, if you have to call them anything, it's Mom and Dad. Anything else and they'll think I'm mad at them or something. Then my Mom won't leave you alone, and my Dad will make a whole bunch of really terrible jokes to make you feel better."

"I'll just avoid addressing them," he replies stiffly.

"Fine. Just in case you have to, though," she allows. "Every morning, I have chores – which you shouldn't have a problem with. Just…every so often, you have to forget to do something…like taking the garbage out or making the bed. I sometimes forget, so you should, too."

"Hm."

"Don't sleep with my contacts in, or your eyes will feel like sandpaper the next day," she advises. "And don't eat anything spicy before bed or you _will_ get sick."

"Fine."

"And, _very_ important – beauty regimen," she tells him. "You have to wash my face every day or I'll get really bad acne. Lukewarm water only – _not_ _hot_ or my skin will dry out, and then you have to use toner and moisturizer. Steam my face once a week to clean out the pores, and every other day it's a face mask – oh, and my makeup – don't touch the stuff in the blue case; it's old and I didn't get around to throwing it away. But the stuff in the green case is new. Make sure to brush my hair – one hundred brush strokes before bed and a hundred when you get up in the morning. That's enough to make sure it stays healthy looking. If you notice split ends, you have to see the hairdresser and –"

"Sakura, _none_ of this is important."

"It is so! Can you imagine what would happen if Ino or the other girls thought I was getting lazy about this sort of thing?" she demands. "They'd know something was up!"

"Or you'd be showing them you have more important things to care about," he points out.

Sakura glares at him, silently promising him injury if he ignores her. "One. Hundred. Brushstrokes."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever. If it's _that_ important to you…"

"It is. Oh! Speaking of Ino, if she comes up to you, you can insult her however you want. You don't take any of her garbage," she continues, inwardly beaming because, even though it will be _her_ mouth doing the talking, the idea of Sasuke telling Ino off makes her giddy with glee.

"I'll just avoid her."

"No. You can't avoid her. That'd make _her_ know something is up. Just treat her like you treat Naruto – wait. No. Don't treat her like you treat Naruto. Dial it down a bit. Or a lot." Sakura huffs. "Ino drives me crazy, but I don't want her dead. The way you are with Naruto, he'd be dead if he didn't have that whole… _thing_ about him."

 _Don't think about the Nine-Tails right now! Don't think about the Nine-Tails right now!_

"I doubt anything I could do in this body would amount to a quarter of what I'm usually capable of," he returns coolly, and Sakura winces as that barb hits its mark. "Speaking of, _you_ have your own work to do. I don't want my body getting weak just because you're occupying it."

"Hey, I train!"

"Not enough," he retorts.

"Oh? And just how much is enough?!"

"Eight hours."

"Oh. That's not so bad." She would've thought it was more.

"A day."

" _A day?!"_

"Only on days when Kakashi works with us, or we have a mission that doesn't take long. Weekends, it's ten."

"It's no wonder you don't know how to laugh! You never have any fun, do you?" Sakura cries in dismay. "You actually expect me to…to do push-ups or jog for eight hours?"

"No. A lot of it's training the Sharingan which you'll need because you can't call it up yet." He wanders over to a drawer and pulls out a chart. "Kakashi drew up these exercises when I first awakened it. The ocular muscles need to be used or they'll get frail. The more you use it, the less it will drain you when you need it. And make sure you're eating. It helps keep your strength up to deal with it – so _no_ dieting."

"Why would I diet? Your body's fine."

"And what exactly is wrong with yours then?" he shoots back. "Because I'm _starving_ right now, and I shouldn't be after the meal we just had. You do get that you need to eat to become stronger, right? Maybe you'd be a better shinobi if you actually had the energy to fight."

"And maybe _you'd_ be a better one if you knew how to take it easy," she retorts, cheeks flaming because she is _not_ going to discuss her personal insecurities with Sasuke Uchiha, especially not when he's being so mean.

 _Stupid jerk. He's just lucky I like him, or I'd be kicking him right now._

It's a definite change from the usual, where Sasuke's cold comments usually just inspire a patient decision to ignore him.

"And if you're so concerned with me being able to fight, maybe you could deign to spar with me every so often," she continues, irritated. "Naruto's not the only one trying to improve himself."

 _Which you and Kakashi would know if you ever bothered to pay attention._

Sasuke shrugs. "We have to anyway, if we're going to be of any use in these bodies. You have to know my moves and I have to get used to not relying on the Sharingan again. If we work together, it'll be less of a transition when we get our bodies back."

"Okay," Sakura says, "but only if you promise that when we _do_ get them back, you won't just start ignoring me again. I want to improve myself. And that means fighting against the best."

Sasuke blinks, looking oddly uncertain, though whether it's about her request or her compliment, she isn't completely sure. It can't be the latter, she decides, because she's always complimenting him. But is training with her really so bad that he actually has to _think_ about it?

"Agreed," he says, cutting off her thoughts. "Of course, before any of that happens, we have to make sure I can pass for you, so…"

"Right," Sakura says. "Let's focus on behaviour. We can work on the smiling thing later."

"Just…as long as you don't tickle me again," Sasuke says, shifting uncomfortably.

ナルト

Kakashi arrives home at the conclusion of his very long, very strange day and promptly falls face-first onto his bed.

It will probably be the last time he actually gets to _use_ said bed for a while – he isn't about to make Sakura sleep on the couch indefinitely. It's not entirely a chivalrous gesture on his part, more the knowledge that kids her age need all the sleep they can get. He's used to going without, she isn't; and in that body, she's going to have to keep up her strength.

Kakashi's head throbs and he wonders if that sake was a good idea. At the time, sure, it felt like a blessing, but right now…

He groans.

There is a knock at the door.

He groans again, not wanting to deal with it. Anyone on official shinobi business would use the window, and none of his students would come inside without an invitation. Well, Naruto might, but he'd barge in, making a huge amount of noise, and considering he's currently an ostrich, it's obviously not him. Sakura or Sasuke would wait outside, respectively patient and exasperated.

When the lock clicks and he hears it slide open, he knows it's Manako. He relaxes even more when the smell of smoke, ink, and accelerant fills the room. Not a common reaction to have to that scent, but he's gotten used to associating it with his…

Well…

His thoughts stall here, as they usually do when he reflects on what to call the Inuzuka woman.

Girlfriend is too childish, lover is too intimate, and anything else he can think of is just crude. They lead completely separate lives, so partner doesn't exactly fit either. They are both fiercely independent – he's a jōnin and she's a former ninja who runs a successful business. Despite an impressive clan lineage, she makes a point of staying out of shinobi matters. He's never asked why and she's never volunteered the information; just like she never asks him about his childhood or why he's remains such a loner.

Kakashi keeps his life carefully compartmentalised into separate spheres. In one, he is a jōnin instructor. In another, a former ANBU. In another, he is a man who has lost his whole family and all of his friends. In another, he is a connoisseur of fine literature. And, in yet another, he is a healthy man in his late twenties with certain biological needs.

The point is, he and Manako have an arrangement: they have sex. And when they aren't engaged in various naked pursuits, she's the closest thing he's had to a confidante in his entire life (he doesn't count Gai, because Gai is…well, Gai is a special circumstance. He defies all attempts to fit him into a specific category, but Kakashi thinks their relationship is somewhat closer to Sasuke and Naruto's, only without the need to draw each other's blood on a regular basis).

"You look like shit," Manako tells him bluntly, taking a seat next to his head.

He grunts out that he feels like it, too. At least, he thinks he does. It's possible he just grunts.

With a supreme amount of effort, he turns around until his head sits in its usual indentation on his pillow. "I'm exhausted. It feels like I've been operating on full power since this mission started. Which should tell you something because we were escorting a damn bird from Point A to Point B."

"And then it got complicated?" she offers, amused.

"Got it in one," he grumbles.

"Ah, complications," she muses. "Yeah, I actively avoid those."

"What's your secret?"

"Blowing things up."

He laughs then moans, instantly regretting it when the movement jars his head.

"Wuss," she says, but reaches over to massage his temples.

It's both the best and worst feeling in the world, and he lets out an incomprehensible gurgle which might be a protest or a plea to continue.

"You know what the best cure for a headache is?" Manako asks, bringing him back to the present. He knows that tone in her voice and the familiar way one of her fingers begins to trail down his chest. In reaction, a warm, tight sensation builds in certain lower regions of his body. For a minute, he even considers it because if anyone deserves release after the day he's had…

Instead, he groans and pushes himself into a seated position.

"Can't," he says, apologetic. "Sak-Sasuke is going to be here in a little while."

She shrugs, looking unbothered. "Okay. Later then."

"Probably not for a while," Kakashi says, hesitates, and then adds, "not here, anyway. He's going to be staying here for a bit."

This makes Manako's eyebrows rise. "Okay. _That_ I didn't expect."

Kakashi reflects on what he should tell her. As a rule, they don't lie to each other. Manako because she doesn't see the point of it, and Kakashi because it's just too much trouble to keep his heartrate and breathing steady or worry if he's giving off some kind of scent that she'll pick up – Inuzuka are pretty much human lie detectors.

However, telling her would be in direct violation of an order, and so, he resigns himself to making the effort. As usual in situations like this, he settles on the truth as much as possible.

"The Chūnin Exam is coming up," he explains. Even though he has no intention of entering his students until their bodies are swapped back, he had been contemplating it. "There's bound to be a lot of interest in Sasuke. Sometimes he feels held down by the others, and this way, I can give him some guidance. I know he's been feeling stuck lately, and I thought some one-on-one training would get his mind off things."

"Which you could do with him still living at home," she points out and smirks teasingly. "You just want to keep an eye on him."

Which, even without the strange circumstances, is essentially correct. Kakashi does check up on Sasuke a lot, even going so far as to watch over him when the boy is off-duty. He tells himself it's because it's his responsibility as the only other Sharingan user in the village, but he knows it's because he sees a lot of himself in the kid – alone, no family, a genius dogged by an infamous family reputation.

"You got me," he says, shooting her a hopeful glance. She rolls her eyes, but allows him to lie back down, head in her lap, as she continues to massage his aching cranium.

"What about the others?" she asks. "They're on your team, too. Are they getting one-on-one time with you as well?"

"Not exactly," he yawns. "Sasuke and I are of similar temperaments and, I suspect, similar chakra natures. I can achieve the best results with him. As for Naruto –" He thinks of the boy-turned-ostrich working with Tenzō who will, no doubt, teach him a few much-needed lessons in chakra control. "– he's got alternate plans."

"And Sakura?"

"Huh?"

"Has anyone been helping her train?" Manako clarifies. "It's a lot harder, coming from a civilian background."

Kakashi shrugs. "I'm not worried about her. She's smart. She'll excel at whatever written test they give her, and she's devoted enough to the others that teamwork won't be an issue." Of his three students, Naruto is the only one he could imagine screwing up.

Manako snorts and her fingers stop moving. "So, the boys get guidance and the girl gets to figure it out herself. The way of the shinobi world continues."

He is confused by her tone. "What are you talking about?"

"That mentality right there is why you don't have very many women who are shinobi," she tells him. "At the Academy, in squads, in exams…their instructors are much more concerned with making sure the boys succeed than worrying about the girls." She adopts a mocking deep voice. "' _Oh, they're so much more disciplined. They don't need my help_.' And then you people are surprised when only a fraction of girls go on to become chūnin or jōnin."

"It's not that simple."

"The hell it isn't. I see it all the time – I _lived_ it. On my genin squad, we had two girls and a guy, and our sensei constantly spent any extra time with him. I was the screw-up he couldn't be bothered with, and Izumi was…well…" Manako trails off here, a pained look on her face that Kakashi doesn't need to ask about.

Izumi was an Uchiha. Greatness was expected of her with minimal effort, yet it was destined to never be achieved in the wake of the clan massacre.

Manako shakes this off and picks up her train of thought as if nothing happened. "It also doesn't help that the judges of these things are biased against women. But you'll figure out all of this in time, I guess. The point is, don't assume just because a girl is intelligent and talented, she wouldn't like or need a mentor."

Kakashi is quiet, reflecting on this.

She has a point, he realises, and it's one he didn't really bother thinking about before. Casting his mind back to his own team, he remembers Minato taking an interest in him much the same way he is now interested in Sasuke.

 _Natural talent and a damaged psyche. Gods! It's like history repeating itself._

And after him, it was Obito, who always needed whatever extra help he could get. Minato used to encourage him with tips and tricks and compliments. But he never needed to help Rin because she was just naturally hardworking and smart. She taught herself basic medical ninjutsu and sought out teachers to help her improve on her own. She was the only one Minato was "not worried about."

 _And she ended up kidnapped and killed for her trouble._

Kakashi decides right then that this won't happen to Sakura. He'll do his best to offer her guidance while she's under his roof, and as soon as her body is swapped back, he'll find a mentor for her.

She's a genjutsu type, and he suspects she's been talking to Kurenai, but the Yuhi woman has her hands full with her own team. Sakura will need someone who can devote the time just to her. Kakashi might as well start looking now, since Sasuke is going to be in her body and he'll want to keep busy.

 _Which means finding someone that Sasuke won't antagonise._

Easier said then done.

"Well, you look sufficiently distracted," Manako says, standing up. "I guess I'll just be going if you've got company coming. I hope you have enough food stocked for a teenaged boy. If he's anything like Kiba, you may have to get a second job while he stays with you."

Kakashi suddenly stumbles from his bed and scrambles to his feet. "Damn it! I forgot!"

He hurries over to his shelves and cabinets, frantically collecting every third or fourth item that has been neatly tucked away. Within minutes, he has a bundle of magazines and videotapes with lurid covers.

"I need you to keep this stuff at your place for a while," he tells her, trying for nonchalant despite his earlier panic.

Manako raises an eyebrow, looks down at what he is offering, and then snorts. "Are you seriously giving me your porn collection?"

"It's erotica. And I can't have it here with a minor in the apartment."

"Right. Because the first thing Sasuke Uchiha is going to do is snoop around your house to find your titty magazines?"

Kakashi shifts uncomfortably; Sasuke might not be the snooping type, but Sakura is easily bored and very curious. It's bad enough she scolds him for reading his favourite series. He doesn't want to have to live with the constant disapproval if she finds the other stuff.

"Oh, come on – you're serious?" Manako laughs. "Relax. Maybe seeing it would do him some good. Kid needs to loosen up."

Kakashi shoots her an unimpressed look. "This is why you should never have children."

"On this point we both agree."

"Would you just take these?"

"Fine," Manako huffs with the air of someone acquiescing to a major burden. "Do you want me to also take the _Icha Icha –"_

"Excuse me, that's literature," Kakashi sniffs. "It stays with me."

"There's something wrong with you," she informs him, adjusting her hold on the bundle of contraband and heading for the door. "Well, fine. I'll take one for the team – wuss."

Kakashi exhales as he hears the door close, and grudgingly sets about trying to put his apartment into some kind of order to accommodate two people. Seconds later, something occurs to him, so he hurries to the door, yanks it open, and shouts down the stairwell, "And if you watch any of them, have the courtesy to rewind this time!"

"Rewind what?"

Kakashi jumps and turns to see Sasuke – _Sakura_ – standing in front of him with a duffle bag.

 _And I'm clearly more tired than I thought if I didn't even notice her standing there._

"Nothing," he lies, moving aside. "Come in."

つづく

* * *

 _I know, no Naruto this time, but there was a lot of heavy stuff that had to be gotten out of the way, and Condor's commentary was just not conducive to that. And I figured doing it earlier was better than later. But we'll see him again next chapter :)_

 ** _クリ_**


	6. Six

**Chapter Beta: Sakura's Unicorn**

* * *

"Stop pacing. It's making me dizzy."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care."

"Rude. I've never met anyone more ornery or uncouth in my life."

"Yeah? Take a look in the mirror, pal!"

Naruto and Condor glare at one another. Naruto sticks out his tongue while Condor pulls down his lower eyelid at him then they turn their backs on one another, resuming their previous behaviours: Naruto paces back and forth while Condor perches irritably on the couch, knees tucked up under his chest and elbows close to his sides.

They've been left to their own devices in the Hokage's chamber while the old man makes their 'super-secret arrangements.' At least, that's what Naruto is calling them in his head because 'babysitting' sounds much worse.

"I hate this," he grumbles. His stomach echoes the sentiment. "And I'm hungry again. And bored. Where the hell is the old guy because I gotta go to the bathroom!"

"Then go," Condor says, examining his fingernails in a gesture that is way too feminine to be allowed with Naruto's body.

"I can't exactly fit in the can with this big bird-ass!"

Condor rolls his eyes like he's completely missing the point, and fixes him with a pointed stare.

The penny drops and Naruto sniggers. "Oh, man, that'd be a story to tell! Taking a massive crap in the Hokage's house?!" He giggles and looks around. "I'd have to do it somewhere really hard to find, so it'd stick around for _weeks!_ Like under the couch, or in a cupboard, or something!"

"You're absolutely charming," Condor tells him, wrinkling his nose. "Only a human could be pleased at the thought of defecating in a wardrobe."

"I would appreciate it if you refrained from that sort of behaviour," the tired voice of the Third Hokage interrupts, and Naruto snaps into standing attention as the old man reappears in the entranceway.

"It was his idea," he says immediately, pointing at Condor when he remembers that the Hokage can't actually understand him.

Condor sticks out his tongue.

"I really don't care whose idea it was, don't do it," Lord Third says abruptly. "Now smarten yourselves up. I have someone I want to introduce you to."

He steps aside, and a second man enters the room. He is much younger with almond-shaped, black eyes and short brown hair that's tucked behind a happuri-style forehead protector, the like of which Naruto has only ever seen on the great stone face of the Second Hokage.

"This is your handler for the time being," Lord Third introduces.

"Handler?" Naruto echoes, wrinkling his nose – or beak, or whatever.

Condor shoots the newcomer a piercing, up-down glance and then turns to the old man. "He looks like a weirdo." The stranger facefaults. "Lord Hokage, I demand someone who looks more imposing than this…this _waif_."

"You can call me Yamato," the man tells him stiffly.

" _Can_?" Condor challenges.

"Does that mean it isn't your real name?" Naruto demands. "Yeah, that's not creepy at all…"

"Lord Third, I really must protest – how am I supposed to trust my protector when I don't even know his name?" Condor demands. "That's a mark of polite society, you know. Even among birds, sharing one's name is a mark of respect!"

"Yeah!" Naruto echoes.

"Shut up. No one was talking to you."

"You shut up first! You're the one running your mouth!"

The man known as Yamato blinks and says to Lord Third, "I see what you mean."

The Hokage sighs wearily then clears his throat. "Captain Yamato will be escorting you to your safe location and keeping an eye on you while you adjust to your…situation. Hopefully, it won't take very long, but in the event that it does, we've procured an abandoned farmhouse for you to –"

"A _farmhouse_?" Condor interrupts, scandalised.

"A _barn?!"_ Naruto demands. "That's it? That's your grand plan for us? To hide out in a shack somewhere until this blows over?!"

"I'm trying not to be insulted," Condor sneers.

"Screw that! I _am_ insulted! Why don't we just stay in my apartment?!"

"Yes. Certainly, the smelly one's hovel would be preferable to a _cowshed_."

"No, the location we've found for you is better," Lord Third says. "It's protected by the same barrier that keeps the village safe, although on a smaller scale. And the property itself is perfect for your unique situation. There's enough space for you both to adjust to the changes in your bodies, and their respective…er…needs."

"And there will be space for your teammates to visit and train as well," Yamato says. "I know Kakashi will want you to keep practicing even more to make up for what's going on with you guys. More importantly, you two are comrades. You have to learn to get along with each other if you want to have any chance of functioning."

Naruto scowls at the two men and, after a beat of silence, says, "Tell him I'm going to shit on his foot."

"Get in line," Condor growls back, hands on his hips, chin jutting out at Yamato. "You expect me to be comrades with _that_?" He points at Naruto.

"Hey!"

Lord Third opens his mouth, presumably to say something threatening or to start another lecture, but Yamato raises a hand.

"If I may?" he asks the old man.

Lord Third nods.

Yamato strides forward, a calm expression on his face, until he is within two feet of Naruto and Condor. He looks them both in the eye as he speaks.

"Rest assured, I prefer the kinder, gentler approach. But believe me –" his expression darkens, eyes somehow becoming sinister and hollow, and there's an ominous tone in his voice that makes Naruto's feathers ruffle in sudden, inexplicable panic, " – I'll use more Draconian methods when it's necessary. Got it?"

"Waaaaugh!"

Naruto and Condor both stagger back a few steps.

"G-got it," they both chorus.

 _What the hell is with the freaky-ass look?!_

"Now, would you rather spend the day crammed in a wooden box acquainting yourselves with the meaning of teamwork, or enjoy a night on a quaint homestead with food, a roof, and plumbing?" the man continues.

Condor and Naruto exchange looks, nod stiffly, and chorus, "Homestead."

Yamato nods, satisfied. "That's what I thought."

 _I'm not going to survive this,_ Naruto thinks.

ナルト

Sakura is not sure what she expected Kakashi's apartment to look like, but somehow this was not it.

The place is tiny and surprisingly spartan, consisting of an eat-in kitchen and living area crammed together, a washroom, and one bedroom.

Then again, her experience with men is limited to her own father (an absent-minded layabout) and her teammates (a slob and a perfectionist), so it's not like she'd have much to compare it to.

"Do you want some tea or a sandwich?" Kakashi asks, wandering over to his fridge to peer inside.

Her stomach growls again – _Geez_ , _Sasuke is_ always _hungry! –_ and she admits, "That would be nice."

"…because I don't have either of those things," her teacher finishes, closing the door and rubbing tiredly at his eye. Apologetically, he continues "I should have gone shopping before we left. I don't really get a lot of visitors.

"At least, not ones with stomachs," Sakura suggests.

"Something like that," he agrees, amused by something, and then shakes his head. "Never mind. I'll order something in for you. But before that – we should talk. Go put your bag in my room, that's where you'll be staying."

"No. It's all right, I don't –"

"I've slept on worse things than the couch. It's not up for discussion. Now hurry up. I want to talk to you before I pass out for the day."

Sakura does as she's told, wandering into the room to put her things down, barely taking in the spare furnishings, and hurrying back out. Kakashi is having a quick conversation with one of his ninja hounds who mutters about being turned into a delivery boy before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"I hope you don't mind eating yōshoku. He's got a preference, and since I sent him on such an errand, it seemed best to let him choose," Kakashi says with a shrug.

"Uh, no. That's fine."

"Good."

"Great."

They are silent for a long while, and Sakura shifts uncomfortably. It feels weird to be with _just_ Kakashi with neither of her teammates to command his attention. He must feel it, too, because he seems to be going out of his way to be nice to her.

 _This whole training thing isn't going to work, if he's going to treat me different from Sasuke –_

"I wanted to apologise," Kakashi says suddenly, which catches her completely off-guard. "It's been pointed out to me that I've been neglecting your training needs."

Well. She wasn't expecting him to address that so quickly.

"Oh. I…" she trails off, not quite sure what to say to that.

It's reflex to deny it, and to insist she doesn't need his help, but remembering her conversation with Sasuke earlier, she decides not to. If she's going to get any stronger, she's going to have to fight for it, and that includes not being as accommodating and humble as girls are usually taught to be.

"There's no excuse for it," Kakashi goes on. "Although, in my defense, you're talented enough that I didn't think you needed it. Also…" He shifts uncomfortably here. "You're the first girl who's ever been assigned to me, let alone that I've had to speak to for prolonged periods of time. It's required some adaptation."

Sakura stares at him for a beat and then grins. "Who knew the great Kakashi was afraid of little girls?"

"That's not – that's not what I –" Kakashi begins, and even beneath the mask he looks so utterly confused about whether he should be offended or defensive that Sakura laughs. It's the first thing she's found truly funny all day, and something tense within her breaks.

Maybe this won't be so bad.

Kakashi is staring at her now, thoughtful, and then shakes his head. "It's uncanny…"

"What is?"

"Nothing. I just…haven't seen that particular smile in many years."

It takes her a moment to figure it out – he can't be talking about Sasuke because Sasuke never smiles or laughs (barring the startled chuckles she pried out of him earlier). And he only just met Sasuke when their team formed, so he must mean –

Itachi Uchiha.

"Did you _know_ him?" she asks, almost breathless with curiosity. She doesn't know anything about Sasuke's infamous brother, but considering Sasuke has made it his life's mission to kill the man, she thinks she should probably get informed. He won't tell her anything, of course, but maybe this is another avenue…

But Kakashi simply shakes his head and says, "That's a conversation for another time. For now, I want to discuss your plans."

"My plans?"

"You never gave me a concrete answer and, at the time, I didn't expect any of you to pass, so I didn't push it," Kakashi says, making Sakura scowl because he could at least soften the blow of his words. "But if I'm to help you improve yourself, I need to know what your dreams for the future are."

"Getting my body back would be a start," she tells him. "That's kind of a big one right now."

"And after that?"

She shrugs, not exactly sure how to answer that.

"Let me put it this way – why do you want to be a shinobi, Sakura?"

"To serve the village," she answers immediately.

"That's the standard response that every Academy student is taught before they become genin," he points out. "Dig deeper."

"I guess it's like with Naruto," she says, hedging a little on the topic. "I want people to acknowledge me for me, even though I come from a civilian family."

It's mostly true, even if it's not exactly for _that_ reason.

A large part of her wish for acknowledgement is still directed as Sasuke, wanting _his_ recognition, and she knows Kakashi knows this, too. It's embarrassing and simplistic and selfish enough that she doesn't want to say it out loud. Being a shinobi is supposed to be about more than any one person or any selfish motivations.

 _Wanting to impress your crush doesn't feel like the right thing to drive a glowing shinobi career._

At the same time, she doesn't want to outright admit that she's been floundering a little lately. With how strong Naruto and Sasuke have been getting, she feels as if she's holding them back.

Kakashi studies her again, tapping his chin, then nods to himself. "What are you the most afraid of?" he asks, suddenly switching tactics.

"Huh?"

"Just answer the question – don't think about boys, or make-up, or clothes, or whatever it is girls your age think about –"

"If that's all you think girls think about, it's no wonder you suck at teaching me," she deadpans.

"Focus on you. What is the worst thing that could ever happen to you?"

"Besides being trapped in someone else's body, you mean?" Kakashi gives her an impatient look, and she sighs, trying to think. "Being left behind, I guess," she muses slowly. "Or having to be left behind because I can't be of use. Like…if someone I cared about was in trouble and I couldn't do anything to help them."

An image hits her of that day on the bridge in the Land of Waves. Of sitting over Sasuke's body, staring at his lifeless eyes while blood trickled from his neck, not knowing whether she should remove the senbon or not. Not knowing if he was breathing or if she could – or should – check for a pulse, but knowing that if she didn't do something, he would die.

"Not being able to do anything would…it _is_ the worse thing that could happen to me."

She remembers the sense of utter powerlessness as Naruto, the most unskilled of their group, threw his life on the line to avenge their teammate, and Kakashi spilled blood to get the upper hand against Zabuza and Haku.

It was the longest two hours of her life.

 _The whole time I was useless. Without them backing me up, I'm useless. And that's the worst feeling in the world._

When she looks up, Kakashi's eyes are crinkled in the manner she has come to associate with him smiling.

"Why does that make you happy?" she asks, suspicious.

"Because you just reminded me of someone else," he tells her, and from the lack of ominous tone lacing his words, she suspects it's not an international murderer like before. "Wanting to protect the people important to you is a far more admirable goal than most. And it's encouraging that you can come to that conclusion so young. It takes most shinobi years before they realise that – if they do at all."

"You got that all from me remembering one bad day?" she asks, impressed.

"Give me some credit," Kakashi deadpans. "I've been observing you as much as the others these past few months, even if I've had to concentrate more on them. I feel confident enough saying that helping people is part of who you are, whether you choose the life of a shinobi or not."

Sakura blushes at the praise.

"That being said, the shinobi life is harder for those who strive to protect others because it leads to making very tough decisions," Kakashi goes on, the complimentary tone fading into warning. "Often, in a split second. They can't freeze up."

"Right…" Sakura says, a little uncertain about this because her track record in that respect hasn't been very good.

"I take it you don't just want to keep people from getting hurt – you want to help them if they do get hurt," Kakashi suggests, and when Sakura nods, he goes on, "That makes me think that medical ninjutsu might be an area of interest to you. It can be used effectively to save the lives of those you care about – and when properly trained, it can be used offensively as well."

Sakura considers it, trying to remember everything she's ever learned about medical ninjutsu. In theory, it sounds good…

"If it's something you're interested in, the earlier you start, the better. Which means discussing it with Sasuke as, while he's in your body, he's going to have to do most of the practical work. You'll have to be familiar enough with the theory that, by the time you get your body back, you don't have to relearn it all."

"You think I'll be able to?" Sakura wonders.

"There isn't a doubt in my mind. You're the most intelligent member of this team."

Sakura shifts, embarrassed. "No. Sasuke is."

"Sasuke has the best memory on the squad, that's true. But having a good memory doesn't necessarily mean having a good understanding or critical thinking skills. When it comes to analysing problems and engineering solutions, you have him beat," Kakashi tells her, and Sakura doesn't bother suppressing the pleased smile that breaks out here. "Sasuke is like Naruto in that respect – they both see all problems as nails. They hammer them down, reacting instead of anticipating which, in the short-term, is useful, but in the long-run, can cause additional problems."

"I…guess I never thought about it like that."

"Second – when you're actually in your body, you have excellent chakra control. Quite possibly better than mine, once you've perfected it," Kakashi continues. "Add that to your ability to analyse a situation, you have a proficiency with genjutsu that could be further developed. I know you've been speaking to Kurenai lately."

"A little," Sakura admits. "But she's usually busy with her team, so…"

"I'll help you with what I can," he promises. "In the meantime, it's probably good that you and Sasuke will be working together more often, given that the Uchiha clan specialise in genjutsu. You'll both get a chance to experience a different perspective on it which will be useful in the future."

"Maybe for me, but I don't think Sasuke would get anything from it – I mean, isn't it kind of a downgrade, going from having a Sharingan to relying just on basic genjutsu?" Sakura wonders.

"Right now it doesn't matter because he hasn't learned to use any Sharingan genjutsu yet," Kakashi says. "He operates on instinct – being in your body, he'll have to learn to deconstruct the process if he wants to achieve results. You, however, have the analytical part down, and so, once you figure out how to activate the Sharingan, you'll get a better understanding of how it works as you use it. It's something no other non-Uchiha, besides me, has ever gotten a chance to do. And you'll still have that knowledge once you get your body back. Can you imagine how seamless your dynamic will be if you have an understanding of his Sharingan? And that's before we've even factored Naruto into the equation."

 _Right. Naruto._

Sakura shifts uncomfortably, the truth about her teammate suddenly coming to the forefront.

"Kakashi-sensei," she begins, uncertain how to broach the subject without sounding utterly callous. A second later, she decides there's no way to do that properly and just goes on ahead. "If Naruto is…what we said he is, how…is that a good idea? For him to be, um, on a team and allowed out of the village and stuff? I mean, from what little I've read about jinchūriki, they can sometimes…uh…lose control? And don't their villages usually guard them pretty strictly?"

To her surprise, Kakashi doesn't look as if he is judging her for her question, but is contemplating how to answer it.

"They do," he agrees, "and in the past, their movements were restricted greatly. But in the last few decades, it's become more and more apparent that training them is in the best interest of the village. Every village is different, of course…"

"All this makes him sound like a weapon," Sakura says darkly.

"You're not wrong," Kakashi says, and she shivers. "Does this change how you feel? What you said earlier?"

 _"He might be a total mess, but he's our mess. Right, Sasuke?"_

"No," Sakura says slowly. "It's just…really weird to think about. I mean, it's _Naruto_. But he's also got a demon in him…and it all makes sense, but at the same time, it's just…" She gestures ineffectually, once again unable to articulate exactly how she feels about the whole thing.

"Confusion is natural," Kakashi says. "It will take time to come to terms with it. You might even feel afraid sometimes when you think too hard on it. When that happens, come talk to me. Or if I'm not around, just remember that he didn't have a choice in the matter. He wasn't even a few hours old when the Fourth Hokage sealed the Nine-Tails inside of him."

Sakura thinks back on all her memories of Naruto during their days at the Academy and the few times she saw him beforehand. She remembers the way people looked at him – the way they _still_ look at him – as if he's done something horrible when, in fact, he's the reason the village is still standing. And all of it's related to an event he can't even remember.

A huge sense of _wrongness_ hits her.

"How could someone do that to a baby?" Sakura demands. "All the books go on and on about what a hero Lord Fourth was, but that's horrible! And where were Naruto's parents? Why didn't they stop him?"

Kakashi's eye flashes with something like pain, and he says quietly, "Naruto's parents were killed in the attack. They also didn't have much of a choice in the matter."

"Did you know them?" Sakura asks.

Kakashi nods. "I did. And I can tell you that they wanted him to be as normal and happy as possible. And he never had a chance at that until he was placed on the team with you and Sasuke."

Which of course makes her feel even worse for how she treated Naruto before they were placed on the same squad.

"And now he's stuck as an ostrich," she says glumly, for the first time all day thinking maybe she and Sasuke didn't get the worst consequence of the swap. "Will we be able to see him at all now that he's off…wherever he is?"

"Of that, I have no doubt," Kakashi says, standing up heavily. "You'll need to learn how to work with Condor, after all. As soon as you and Sasuke settle into some kind of routine, we'll see about arranging some team-training exercises. But until then, you've got your own training to do. First and foremost – learning to urinate without dribbling on your or someone else's feet."

Sakura's cheeks are instantly flaming. "Kakashi-sensei!"

ナルト

Wandering down the streets of Konoha, Sasuke decides he should've gotten Sakura to write down the directions to her house. He's never actually been there before, but he figured it would be easy to follow her spoken directives.

He wasn't counting on being too distracted by people _staring_ at him.

Well, not everyone. Not really. But more people than usual. Villagers he supposes are Sakura's neighbours and people who know her beam at him, waving and offering greetings. Sasuke still isn't quite sold on the idea of _smiling_ for no reason, but he mechanically raises his hand to return the wave or juts his head forward in a nod of greeting. If anyone looks like they're about to engage him in conversation, he speeds up his pace or feigns deafness when they call out Sakura's name.

Surprisingly, it's worse when they don't talk to him, but just try to make eye-contact – which is either really embarrassing or really creepy. He's never actually considered that this could be a problem. Granted, he's used to unwanted attention, but generally from a gaggle of girls his own age. Not –

 _Did the baker just_ leer _at me?_ _What the hell?!_ _I'm thirteen!_ Sakura _is thirteen!_

No adult should be staring at a thirteen-year-old girl like that, and Sasuke's immediate reaction is to shoot a warning glare in the man's direction. Then he remembers that, at the moment, he can't back up any threat with force because he has no idea how to use this body properly.

He decides he must be imagining things. He must be exaggerating people's attention, especially disturbing attention like that, because he's just hyper-aware of his new circumstances. All the same, he quickens his pace.

It takes far too long to finally arrive at the Haruno household. Even once he gets there, Sasuke stops at the front door and stares at it, abruptly hit by the realisation that, once he enters, there is no going back. There is no possible other strategy but to pretend to be Sakura.

 _There's still time to find Kakashi and think up a better plan than this…_

He isn't just worried about the possibility of Sakura's parents realising that he's not who he is pretending to be. The fact of the matter is, it's been five years since he's interacted with parents of any type. As painful as it is being on his own, he's gotten used to it. There's a terrible freedom in not being held accountable to anyone –

And not having anyone nearby to notice when he's upset.

If Sakura's parents are anything like his own _were_ , he's not entirely sure he can maintain his composure, let alone keep them from noticing.

As he lingers uncertainly, trying to decide if he's supposed to just let himself in or knock – _people don't knock at their own homes, idiot_ _–_ the door is thrown open, and he is suddenly staring up at a kind-faced woman with blonde hair and Sakura's green eyes.

"There you are!" she declares, and he finds himself dragged into a hug so quickly that he doesn't have a chance to fend it off. There's such a speedy casualness to it that, before he can reflexively tense up, the woman has pulled away. "You were supposed to be home yesterday. I was so worried! I had half a mind to ask Lord Third what was taking so long, but then your Dad reminded me that sometimes missions take a little longer than expected –"

Then the woman, who could only be Sakura's mother, half-guides, half-pulls him into the house and shuts the door behind him. The smell of cooking and something floral fills the air, and the walls are brightly decorated with a more modern pattern than he is used to seeing in his own home.

Sasuke tries to suppress the instinctual need to make a run for it. If that inclination shows on his face, Mebuki Haruno doesn't notice because she is still talking.

" – although, in my day, C-rank missions were a lot more dangerous. So I told him, there's a reason I've been worrying. You'd think that teacher of yours could at least send word that you were on your way – of course, I've heard he's late for everything. I hope he doesn't pass that bad habit onto you three – Sakura, shoes!"

Sasuke startles, so caught off-guard by the woman's mile-a-minute ramble that he's forgotten basic routine.

 _Damn it…_

He slips out of Sakura's sandals and puts them neatly beside the other pairs in the entrance.

"Hmph. At least I didn't have to remind you not to leave them in the doorway," Mebuki Haruno says, hands on her hips and a fond, yet exasperated, smile on her face. "Well, come on then. Say hello to your Dad before he heads off to work."

The world around Sasuke rushes away for a moment, the warmth and brightness of the Haruno's home coalescing into a different, long-forgotten warmth.

 _"Are you going to say 'good morning' to your father before he goes to work?" Mother asks as she passes him in the hallway._

 _"What's the point?" Sasuke sighs, world-weary at eight-years-old. "He never even notices. He only ever cares about Big Brother."_

 _"You know that's not true," Mother soothes him. "Go on. He'll have a much better day if he sees you before he leaves."_

"Sakura!"

Sasuke jumps, not realising that Mebuki is calling his borrowed name.

"I'm fine," he says automatically, coming back to the present.

"Are you sure?" the woman asks, frowning. "You're quiet – did you catch a cold while you were away from the village? I told you to bundle up at night, sweetheart. Let me check your temperature."

She reaches for his forehead in a gesture that is eerily reminiscent of Sakura, and Sasuke ducks it with practiced ease.

"I'm _fine_ ," he mumbles, edging toward what he assumes to be the kitchen.

Inside, he finds a lanky, tall man – who appears taller because of his outrageous, gravity-defying hair – who must Sakura's father. He's the only other person Sasuke has ever seen with that particular shade of hair, although his is streaked with a lot of grey.

Kizashi Haruno throws his arms wide and beams up at Sasuke. "There's my little girl! Come give your old man a hug!"

Sasuke freezes like a mouse staring up at a snake.

 _Shit. Shit! What do I do?!_

If this man is anything like Sakura, he's persistent, and smart. He'll notice if Sasuke doesn't hug him, but there is no way – _no way! –_ that he's going to do _that_ , so the best tactic is –

 _Distraction!_

"Did you two know about Naruto?" he blurts out because if there's anything that will put an end to any familiar overtures or parental displays of affection, it's bringing up the village secret that he's not supposed to know.

Sakura's parents wear carefully blank looks.

"Know what?" Mebuki asks.

 _Apparently, that's where Sakura gets her inability to tell a lie…_

"About his special…status," Sasuke clarifies, narrowing his eyes to watch their reactions. This time the looks are knowing and resigned.

 _So, I was right about the villagers knowing about Naruto. Even civilians know what happened. It's just us kids that they kept it from._

"The question is, what do you know?" Kizashi asks, all traces of humour disappearing.

"Sak – Sasuke and I found out today. Because of something to do with the mission," Sasuke says cautiously.

"Well, that explains your mood today," Mebuki sighs, going to stand behind her husband, hands on his shoulders like she's drawing support from him.

"We know it's a bit of a shock," Sakura's father agrees.

Sasuke wants to brush it off like it's nothing because that's what he would usually do even if he feels the contrary, but that's probably not how Sakura would react. Instead, he forces back his natural inclination to stay quiet, and mumbles, "Yeah. Yeah, it was. I'm still…processing."

 _Did that sound too technical for Sakura? No, she could easily say something like that, I think._

Besides, it seems like a pretty complete answer, without giving away too much. Furthermore, it has the benefit of being completely true for both him and Sakura. Sasuke noticed earlier from Sakura's ( _his!_ ) face that she wasn't as comfortable about the revelation of Naruto's status as she pretended in front of Kakashi and the Third Hokage.

"I'm surprised Kakashi mentioned it to you, though it's probably for the best that you know."

"I'm not sure about that," Mebuki says, mouth turning down briefly. Her expression softens as she gazes at Sasuke. "If you want to talk about it, we're here for you. Or did you want us to speak to someone about having you switch teams? I'm sure if it's really a problem we can help…"

"What? No," Sasuke says, a lot quicker than he would have expected from himself. Off their surprised expressions, he tries to backpedal. "Naruto's an idiot, but he's not…it's not a problem."

"Well, if you're sure…" Mebuki murmurs doubtfully.

"That's a change from usual," Kizashi snorts, "Usually, all you do is complain about him."

"Shinobi get assigned to teams they don't like all the time, and they have to adapt," Sasuke says stiffly, and adds a little defensively, "I can deal with it." He sees their eyes soften with pride, and it looks like Mebuki might reach for him again, so he hurriedly tries to deflect once more. "It might help to know more about it. All I know comes from what we studied in class."

He doesn't remember that night – he was only about four months old when the Nine-Tails attacked. Sakura, being a few months older, probably wasn't old enough to form many opinions about that night either.

Kizashi's face sobers and Sasuke is taken aback because, without the wide smile, there is a haunted, grim expression that Sasuke remembers his own father wearing long ago.

"It was a sad day," the man says. "We lost a lot of good men and women." He appears troubled for a moment, staring at something invisible to them. Then he shakes it off and, without warning of any kind, brightens. "And Sasuke?"

"What?" Sasuke says immediately before he realises he's not being addressed, but talked about.

Mebuki playfully smacks her husband's shoulder. "Kizashi, stop teasing her."

"But I need to know," Sakura's father pretends to whine, cheery demeanour back. "Every day, we get an update. I need to know what absolutely earth-shattering feat the Rookie of the Year has performed today."

Sasuke glares and opens his mouth before realising that Sakura's father isn't speaking with any of the sarcasm or resentment he's heard from other boys at the Academy. Or from Naruto on a good day. It's just good-natured teasing, and it makes him feel somewhat flustered.

His reaction appears to be the right one, in any case, because Sakura's parents burst into amused laughter. He clenches his fist, annoyed that their humour is at his expense, but also at himself for almost forgetting the most obvious way to act like Sakura. He supposes he has to say _something_ on the subject, but he refuses to hyperventilate about himself.

"Sasuke is…fine," he hedges.

 _Even though I am_ anything _but fine._

"Hm, she's downgraded him from 'amazing, talented, and the epitome of cool' to just 'fine,'" Kizashi ponders. "I think there might be trouble in paradise, dear."

"Sh-sh-hh," Mebuki giggles.

"I'm going to my room," Sasuke says tersely because he can't think of anything else to say.

"Oh, sweetheart. You know we're only joking with you," Mebuki soothes. "Honestly, if he's so important to you, we should have him over for supper –"

"No," Sasuke says immediately, at the same time that Kizashi says, "That would be awkward. As I would have to kill him."

Sasuke glares at him. _Bring it on, old man._

"Well, then, how about the whole team?" Sakura's mother goes on. "We haven't done that yet. I was just chatting with Yoshino the other day, and they've had Asuma and the rest of Shikamaru's team over almost every other week. And those three are always together – the same way you're always off with Sasuke and Naruto. I think a team dinner night would be fun."

"It really wouldn't," Sasuke tells her unapologetically.

There are few things he can imagine which could be worse than a team dinner. And that's on a normal day, not one where the entire team has swapped bodies.

"Well, we'll talk about it later. Go wash up and we'll have dinner."

"I'm not hungry," Sasuke says, even though he is. He supposes he can find something to eat later when Sakura's parents aren't around to grill him with questions. When Mebuki shoots him a suspicious, concerned look, he backpedals – Mother used to look at Itachi like that – and says, "We ate before we got back to the village. Besides, I'm…tired."

"Well, it has been a long few days," Sakura's mother muses. "All right, then. You go take a bit of a rest. I'll leave a cold plate out for you."

Sasuke sighs in relief and heads for the stairs he'd seen earlier.

"Just make sure you shower off all that road dust before you get into bed," Mebuki calls after him. "I cleaned your sheets while you were away. Don't you dare get them grimy!"

Which causes him to wince because, as necessary as it is, bathing is the _last_ thing he wants to do right now.

 _Still…that could have gone a_ lot _worse_ , he thinks to himself as he wanders upstairs.

つづく

* * *

 ** _There will be time-skippage after this chapter, so I'm not hemmed into a play-by-play style fic like with Inch of Gold. I_ really _want the plot to advance past the "oh my god we've switched bodies" point and get to the good stuff...heehee._**

 ** _Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated!_**

 **クリ**


	7. Seven

**Chapter Beta:** None at the moment, but I'll send it to my beta when she gets back from vacation.

 **AN:** So, this is a bit of departure from the usual format, but it's kind of a time-skip. The first week of the swap, with a lot of things needing to be adjusted to hehe. I put a little bit of plot in places...but really, this is totally filler that I had too much fun writing :D Hope you enjoy reading it!

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei!"

SLAM!

The sound of a door being thrown open and hitting the wall yanks him from his dreams. Kakashi vaults upward and snaps, "Reinforce the barriers and send the first wave!"

The familiar surroundings of his living room come back to him, and his dream fades away. The panicked, slightly confused face of Sasuke Uchiha swims into view.

 _No, wait—not Sasuke. Sakura_ , he remembers. _Must not have gotten enough sleep. Head's still pounding…_

"What is it, Sakura?" he mumbles—maybe; his words are rather slurred.

She frowns at him. "You sleep with your mask on?"

"Not usually," he replies, rubbing at the scar on the left side of his face and squints up at her. "Is there an emergency, or do you just enjoy shouting yourself hoarse before sun-up?"

Sakura's expression becomes pinched once more.

"I…have a…problem," she reveals jerkily.

"That's remarkably self-aware."

It's possible the lack of sleep is affecting his normally easy-going manner.

Sakura draws her borrowed mouth into a thin line, emphasising her expression of utter agony, and glances meaningfully downward. It takes a beat before Kakashi follows her gaze, fixing on something in the southern hemisphere of her borrowed body. Once he does, her total panic makes sense.

A very dark part of him wants to laugh, if only at the absurdity of the whole situation, but Sakura would never forgive him for it. Instead, he schools his face into neutrality and says, "Go take a cold shower. It'll help."

Horror overtakes her obvious humiliation, probably at the notion of a shower, but it's early and he's exhausted and wouldn't be doing her any favours sugar-coating things.

"Look, you have three options," he yawns, falling back against the couch cushions. "Either take a cold shower, which you should do anyway because you're beginning to stink, or you could wait it out. It'll eventually go away. Or there's the old-fashioned method…"

He trails off meaningfully. She doesn't understand him immediately, but when she does, it looks like she might have a nosebleed.

"What the hell is your problem?!" she snarls. "You can't say stuff like that!"

"Why, because you're a girl, or because you're a kid?" Kakashi challenges.

"Either! _Both!_ " she yells in frustration. "And because this isn't my body! Besides I'd never… I couldn't—!" Her face is so flushed with blood now he's surprised she's still having a below-the-belt issue. She shoves a finger in his direction. "You're a pervert, Kakashi-sensei!"

And then stalks away once again slamming the door behind her.

He winces.

 _And I thought it was just the boys I had to worry about property damage with,_ he thinks tiredly, curling into the couch and hoping he can get back to sleep.

SLAM!

The door is open once again, and he groans, pressing his face into the couch cushions.

 _If she does that the whole time she's here, I'll never get my security deposit back…_

"Kakashi-sensei?" her tone is quieter this time, ashamed.

"What, Sakura?"

"Uh…where's your washing machine?" she asks, in a tiny voice he would never have thought Sasuke capable of. "I might _possibly_ …maybe…sort of have to do a load of wash."

He cracks an eye open against the couch cushions. _Why…?_

"And, uh…do you by any chance have any other sheets?" she squeaks.

Kakashi groans, pulling the covers of his head.

 _Shit._

ナルト

Sakura paces back and forth in front of the chain-link fence of the usual spot, glancing around every now and then for some sign of Kakashi or Sasuke.

She's not completely sure how she lost track of her teacher that morning, since they left from the same place. One minute he was behind her, and the next she heard him say he'd catch up, and when she turned around he was gone without even a puff of smoke.

As for Sasuke, he's uncharacteristically late, and Sakura can't help worrying.

 _What if he got caught by my parents? What if my mother says something embarrassing to him? What if Dad makes a really tasteless joke and Sasuke punches him? Oh, I'll be in_ so _much trouble when we switch back, and we'll have failed Lord Third's mission, and…_

She inhales sharply and tries to clear her mind.

There's nothing she can do about any of those things right now.

What she can do is stand here and wait for her teammates so that they can go to wherever Naruto is and make sure he and Condor haven't killed each other yet.

Sakura tries really hard to just sit there and wait – to lean against the uncomfortable fence and meditate (or whatever it is Sasuke does when they're waiting for the rest of their team to arrive in the morning). But she can't stop fidgeting. Every few minutes she crosses her arms or shifts her weight or gives into the compulsion to check the very white, baggy shorts for signs of dirt or grease from the fence.

She starts to wonder if Sasuke wears white shorts just to show off how effortless he finds being a shinobi. As if he doesn't even have to worry about getting dirty unless _he_ feels like it. She always thought he was just naturally cool, but it might just be that Sasuke actually puts _energy_ into it. It's the only explanation she can come up with for how he always looks so unruffled, and yet twenty-four hours in his body she feels like a mess.

She's sweating – _is it just me, or is his body-temperature higher than mine?_ – and is hungry again, even though she ate all the leftovers from dinner the night before this morning.

And, of course, there's the addition of an extra –

Her thoughts flounder for a moment, her cheeks turning red.

 _Appendage_ , she supplies, forcing herself to fight back the mortification and think of things in the same distant terms a doctor might.

It's not really working.

The point is, the new addition makes even walking feel utterly foreign to her, and that's the absolute _least_ of the problems associated with her new body.

When Sasuke finally does arrive, Sakura's worried questions die on her lips as she takes in his rumpled, red-cheeked, veiny-eyed form.

"What do you think you're doing?" she cries in lieu of any greeting, hands on her hips as she looks him over.

Her normally pristine hair is a tangled mess under his care, brushed in the front but a complete matted nightmare in the back. Sasuke's borrowed cheeks are reddened by infinitesimal scratches, probably from a rough scrubbing with a cloth, and his eyes –

"You slept with my contacts in, didn't you?" she hisses.

"I forgot, okay?" he barks, not sounding anything like his usual calm self even with the borrowed voice. "I don't know how to take them out, or put them in for that matter, and until I do I'm not about to walk around bumping into things."

"My vision's not _that_ bad!" Sakura snaps.

"Well, I had more important things to worry about," Sasuke growls, eyes shifting from left to right to ensure they are alone. In a lower voice, he goes on, "I couldn't find…where do you keep your…" He trails off, frustrated, and then tugs at something beneath the fabric of the tunic he's wearing. She recognises the thick strap of a sports bra. "I was going to change this when I woke up, but the only ones I could find were…"

Realisation dawns on her, and warmth floods her cheeks too. "You dug through my underwear drawer?!"

"It's not like I wanted to! Besides, from the look of them there's no way to get the damn things on or off, at least with this one I can just pull it over my head!"

Sakura decides to take pity on him. "If you can't find any sports bras in my drawer, you have to go down and check the laundry room. I wear them the most often because of missions, so they have to be washed out a lot. Maybe my mother did a load – wait." She shoots him a sharp look. "Are you saying you put that thing on again this morning? It's filthy!"

"I didn't put anything on, I slept in it."

"You're not supposed to sleep in a bra!"

"How the hell am I supposed to know that?" he counters. "I shouldn't even be _thinking_ about bras, let alone yours!"

"Say that a little louder, I don't think they heard you in Kiri," a familiar voice says, and a second later Kakashi materialises in a puff of smoke. "Yo."

Sakura lets out a half-groan, half-wail of humiliation while Sasuke glowers at their teacher.

"So, who's ready for training?" the jōnin asks mildly.

"I hate you," Sasuke informs him, and Sakura nods in agreement.

ナルト

Naruto wakes to the sun streaming through a window right into his eyes.

With a groan, stretches and yawns, then freezes as his brain catches up with his current surroundings. He is in the wide-open living area of a farmhouse, perched on a makeshift bed of pillows and blankets. He remembers Captain Yamato offering them to him yesterday when he couldn't get comfortable on the spare sleeping mat –

Because he has cumbersome wings and claws and the weirdly shaped body of an ostrich now.

"Aw, man, it wasn't a dream!" he wails, throwing his head backward in frustration. "I thought for sure when I woke up all this would be fixed! Aw, man, this sucks…"

"How do you funny little creatures not break your necks in your sleep with all the tossing and turning you do?" Condor wants to know, sitting up on his own sleep pallet. He shakes his arm. "And why does my arm constantly feel like it's got pine needles sticking into it?"

"Yeah, well, I feel like I slept standing up in a closet…"

"You both snore," Yamato informs them with a yawn, also sitting up on his bedding.

Condor sets his hands on his hips in indignation. "I beg your pardon, I do no such thing!"

"Yeah!" Naruto pipes up. "And I couldn't have snored because I didn't sleep! So maybe it's _you_ that was snoring, you creepy faced weirdo!"

Yamato blinks at him, bleary eyed from waking, and then glances at Condor. "What'd he say?"

"He says your mother wears army boots."

"Oi! I did not!"

A knock on the door interrupts the potential bloodshed, and after a sharp look in Naruto's direction, Yamato goes to open it. Outside, the rest of Team 7 are standing on the landing; Kakashi expression is drawn and exhausted, while Sakura and Sasuke bicker with one another.

 _Whoa_. _Now_ that's _weird…_

To an outside observer, it already looks odd to see Sasuke Uchiha haranguing Sakura Haruno, who is clearly trying to tune him out, arms crossed and face pulled into a scowl. It's even odder because Naruto knows it's actually the other way around – with Sakura raving at Sasuke – and that has _never_ happened before.

Condor shivers.

"I don't even know them that well, and that's just unnatural," he says.

Naruto nods. "Funny, though."

"Sakura, Sasuke," Kakashi says, putting an end to the very strange argument. The two of them glance up. "This is Captain Yamato. He's going to be working with Naruto and Condor for the duration of this…situation."

"It's nice to meet you," Sakura says, offering a shy wave.

Sasuke frowns and gives the man an appraising up-and-down look. Then he turns to Kakashi. "What's so special about him? He doesn't look like much."

"Sasuke!" Sakura chides.

"Yamato's _Mokuton_ is going to be very helpful keeping the Nine-Tails under control," Kakashi explains. "On that note – Condor, have you had any more trouble with the fox spirit?"

"Only in that I didn't sleep at all last night trying to keep the thing from eating me," the bird snorts.

"You big liar!" Naruto snaps. "You were snoring the whole night, remember? Stop making things seem more dramatic than they are! If I can't hear the fox, _you_ can't hear the fox."

"I've already told you the reason you can't hear him is because you're thick."

Naruto bleats at him in wordless anger, and Kakashi clears his throat.

"Yamato can work with you on that a little then. Meanwhile, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke – it might be best to revisit some basic skills today. Like taijutsu."

"Are you seriously going to teach a bird taijutsu?" Sasuke deadpans.

"Don't be like that, he's still Naruto," Sakura tells him. "I'm sure he can figure it out." She smiles hesitantly at Naruto and wanders a little closer. "Hey, Naruto – are you going okay in there?"

He pulls away, shuddering. "No offense, but it's really weird to have Sasuke look at me like that. No, scratch that, it's not weird, it's _creepy_."

Sakura frowns in confusion and asks Condor, "What did he say?"

"He's afraid you were going to kiss him," Condor informs her with a straight face.

"You idiot bird!" Naruto bellows and vaults across the room, intent on destroying him. Condor, meanwhile, darts out of the way blowing raspberries, while Sakura and Sasuke begin to shout angrily at them both.

He is distantly aware of Yamato and Kakashi exchanging glances.

"Trade you?" they ask each other.

ナルト

When Sasuke returns to the Haruno household later, he is exhausted. Honestly, he doesn't remember ever feeling this tired before.

 _Did Sakura not do_ any _training before we switched bodies_? _These muscles feel like they're on fire…_

He's barely got the energy to eat the meal Mebuki puts before him (he's dimly relieved that there's nothing sweet in it), and he must look as tired as he feels because Sakura's parents don't try to talk much with him.

There's a minor moment of awkwardness afterward when Mebuki reaches over to feel his forehead – he jerks away before he can stop himself, but seeing her mouth can firm in suspicion, Sasuke mutters about having a bad headache.

"Got some _mind grains_ sprouting?" Sakura's father asks with gentle amusement, while Mebuki tells Sasuke to go up to bed and she'll bring him some honeysuckle tea.

He trudges up the stairs and once again starts the laborious process to get ready for bed; he's quicker about it today, once again leaving the lights off the whole time. He only turns them on again to take Sakura's contacts out, having had her explain the process to him before he returned home.

 _These things come with containers, right_?

That takes him longer to hunt down than he'd like, and the actual removal of the lens leaves him swearing and his eyes twitching in both reflex and annoyance.

 _Am I even going to be able to get the damned things on again tomorrow?_

He waves it off as a future problem, squinting at Sakura's reflection in the mirror. It's blurred now, but as she said, not enough to make him blind.

 _Just annoying_ , he thinks as he stalks out of the bathroom, _just like her._

ナルト

SLAM!

"Kakashi-sensei!"

He grabs his pillow and presses it over his face, groaning into it in dismay.

"Don't kill her," he mutters to himself, "Think of the paperwork."

"I need you to go to Sasuke's place and sneak in and get some things for me without anyone seeing you, it's _urgent_!" she tells him, all panic and tension in her voice.

Kakashi shifts the pillow to one side, shooting her a bleary, exasperated frown with his one good eye. "Sakura…you're literally walking around in his body. Go get whatever you need from his apartment yourself."

"But…but I can't go wandering around his house without him there!"

"Why not? He's wandering around your house without _you_ there."

"Well…well even if I wanted to, I can't exactly go _now_ and I really, _really_ need your help!"

Her bottom lip juts out, eyes wide and teary, and Kakashi thinks it's just him being stunned that Sasuke could ever look so pathetic and helpless that has him sighing in agreement. "Fine."

"Thank you!"

"But I'm only doing this the once," he tells her, going back to press his face back into the pillow and cursing. "Damn it…only the second day…"

Sakura clears her throat. "And Kakashi-sensei?"

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

ナルト

"Ow!" Sakura cries, ducking an angry beak. "Naruto, stop – ow! I'm sorry!" She holds her hands over her head. "I wasn't trying to kick you – _ow_! – I just overshot and you were – ouch! – in the way!"

Her teammate hisses at her, rearing up and flapping his wings at her.

ナルト

"Let's try this again," Kakashi says wearily.

Sasuke scowls, but then dutifully pulls his face into a wide smile. The slight narrowing of Kakashi's right eye tells him he has once again failed.

"This is ridiculous," he complains, dropping the false visage.

"It was better," his teacher offers, and when Sasuke raises an eyebrow at him, he shrugs, "Okay, not really. We may be going about this all wrong."

"If you try to tickle me I will stab you in the throat," Sasuke informs him pre-emptively.

Kakashi ignores him. "What's the first thing you notice about Sakura when she smiles?"

"It's genuine," Sasuke says immediately, surprising himself with how instinctive the answer is. He's never really considered the question before, but he knows instantly that it's true; Sakura's smile is untarnished by darkness, anger or pain. "Happy."

The word is foreign to him.

"Alright," his teacher says. "That in mind, I'm going to ask you to do something difficult. And I know it's difficult because I have to do it every day, too." Sasuke shoots him a questioning look, abruptly curious, but Kakashi continues. "Think back. To the last time you felt something like what Sakura feels. Think of happiness. Peace. Something that genuinely made you smile to see."

"That doesn't work for me," Sasuke bites out through gritted teeth, because Kakashi knows full-well the last time he was happy about anything.

"Then work on it, because learning to smile might be your only saving grace in succeeding at this mission." Kakashi straightens up. "I get that you have your goals, but the mark of a good shinobi is to compartmentalise their emotions."

"I know this already."

"Note that I say _compartmentalise_ , not _ignore_. The more you ignore, the more builds up and the more likely you are to explode with all those pent-up feelings later. Or make stupid choices," Kakashi goes on. "I really advise against stupid choices, because that gets people killed."

"I advise against switching bodies," Sasuke grumbles. "That gets people killed too."

Kakashi blinks at him. "Did you just make a joke?"

ナルト

Naruto stares down at the large container in front of him, and then looks up at Yamato. "No."

The jōnin sighs, unable to understand him, but clearly noticing the refusal.

"Come on, Naruto, you have to eat something. You're not going to keep your strength out without eating healthy."

Naruto glares at him. "I want ramen."

"I don't know what you're saying."

"Ramen. I want ramen. _Rah-men!"_

"I want ramen, too," Condor pipes up from where he's watching the exchange.

"You've never even eaten ramen," Yamato reminds him.

"I don't care, I want it."

Yamato sighs, shoulders slumping.

ナルト

"Kakashi-sensei!"

SLAM!

"Sakura, if it's related to food, bodily functions or laundry, I don't want to hear it," he tells his pillow.

"No, it's…um, I think I broke the lid off your electric kettle and…I didn't mean to, I swear! It's just…I think I was holding it to tightly, but I didn't realise, so…"

She trails off, and Kakashi sighs.

He has never pictured having children before, and living with Sakura – who he never in a million years imagined he would live with – has shown him the wisdom in that. It's like dealing with a teenager and a toddler all in one.

"I'll pick up a new one on the way home," he tells her.

"…'Kay."

Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about her taking all the hot water…

He feels little guilt at chuckling over that.

ナルト

"How do any of you guys _walk_ properly with one of these?!"

ナルト

"What are you talking about, you don't want any?" Mebuki demands, hands on her hips. "Anmitsu is your favourite."

"I'm…watching my weight," Sasuke mumbles uncomfortably.

"Oh no, none of that," Sakura's mother sniffs. "You know how I feel about that dieting nonsense, Sakura. If you're going to be training so hard, you need to keep your strength up."

"This isn't exactly going to help with that," Sasuke deadpans.

"Well, we can't always be sensible," Kizashi says. "Where would the fun in that be?"

They are both watching him now, and Sasuke winces, knowing he has to play along. Swallowing thickly, he takes a spoonful of the jelly dessert and just hopes he can keep it down long enough to throw off suspicion.

ナルト

"Get your butt out of my face!"

"Get your face out of my – oh for goodness sake, must you be so crass?"

"At least I'm not a sissy," Naruto mutters as they continue their slow trek across the floor. "Now shut up before we get caught."

"You two wouldn't be trying to sneak out, would you?" a deceptively calm voice asks behind them.

Condor and Naruto freeze, and then very slowly turn around. There's a _click_ and a flashlight turns on.

Captain Yamato looms over them, the shadows making his face seem even more hollow than usual.

"It was his idea," Naruto says immediately, shivering at the sight.

"My idea? Why would I want to sneak out of these _lavish_ accommodations?" Condor asks in a high voice, and then points at Naruto. " _He's_ the criminal mastermind – not me!"

Yamato's eyes narrow, and Naruto crack.

"I just want some _ramen_!" he sobs, throwing himself at the jōnin's feet (or at least trying to, he still isn't used to his knees bending backward."

"What was that about me being a sissy?" Condor asks, contemptuous.

ナルト

"Sakura, if you don't stop slamming the door in a panic every morning, I _will_ take it off the hinges."

ナルト

"Your biggest issue is that you're used to a body that has mastered its ability to control its anger and impulses and channel it into other things," Kakashi explains to Sakura, while in the background Sasuke impatiently ducks Naruto's clumsy kicks. Several feet away, Yamato corrects Condor's grip on a kunai. "Sometimes it seems as if you have a second self that filters all of that for you. When you first switched, you mentioned a voice in your head?"

"Yeah – well, sort of," she says. "I mean…I always thought it was just my conscience of something."

"I guarantee you, most people's consciences aren't loud enough to have a voice," Kakashi says dryly. "Both your parents are genin?"

"Well…Dad's a chūnin. Barely. But they haven't been active since before I was born, and only because of the war," Sakura explains.

"And your father's family?"

"Isn't from here," Sakura says. "Mom is, though, but I don't know much about her side of the family. Grandmother was a Konohako, so…"

"Ah," Kakashi nods, recognising the term. It's a surname given to illegitimate children whose legal parents won't recognise them. "And not even an idea where that lineage came from?"

"I would have to ask my mother."

"Which you can't right now," he sighs.

"And asking Sasuke to find out probably wouldn't be a good idea," Sakura agrees.

 _He's not exactly tactful_ …

"Right…"

ナルト

"What the hell is an exfoliator?"

ナルト

"I was just thinking," Naruto says, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness.

"Did it hurt?"

He snorts, side-eying the bird in his body. "Really? Nothing more creative than that?"

"It's been a long day. Don't worry, I'll reach my stride soon enough."

"Do you think maybe all this would be easier if we stopped giving each other a tough time and just tried to work together?"

The two of them slowly glance over at each other, sizing one another up. Then, in unison, their turns their backs on each other.

"Nah!"

ナルト

"Kakashi-sensei!"

He cracks one eye open, waiting for the slam of the door, and then smirks when he remembers that he took it off its hinges night before.

ナルト

"I don't understand," Sakura says, frustrated. "I mean, it completely defies logic!"

"I know," Condor nods.

"It's like…I would understand if I was looking at something… _you know_ …but I'm not looking at anything. I was literally staring at the wall just now, noticing the way the paint is curling and – and it _happens_!"

"It's an utterly rubbish system," Condor agrees. "Obviously it's faulty – I mean, I don't even find your species appealing at all. But now I – " He makes a face and looks at his lap. "Oh damn. It's happening again."

"Don't draw attention to it!" Sakura hisses, pointedly looking away from him.

She notices Sasuke and Naruto standing over them, identical looks of horror on their borrowed faces.

"What?"

ナルト

Sasuke considers the long, wet locks of pink hair spilling down his chest and back, frowning critically.

 _Keeping all this clean is such a waste of time. If there wasn't all this hair, I could be in and out of the shower in minutes._

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a pair of scissors sticking out of a first-aid kit.

ナルト

"I don't care if you're used to eating it to help digest your food – if I catch you using _my_ mouth to eat sand, I will sit on you until you pass out!"

ナルト

"What do you mean, you still haven't found anything?" Kakashi demands early one morning after skipping out on Sakura to visit the graveyard and then the Hokage's office. He's trying and failing not to sound exasperated. "It's going on a week now."

Inoichi shrugs apologetically. "We're combing the records as fast as we can, but so far nothing."

"And our investigations to the shrine have yielded no information either," Lord Third says gravely. "Inoichi and I have read the Akimichi and Nara clans into the situation, however. Given their ancestors involvement in helping to seal away Noburo, it was thought they might have some insight that was perhaps… _misplaced_ by the Yamanaka."

"And has it?"

"Not yet."

"Great," Kakashi groans. "So what do I tell the kids?"

"Nothing," Inoichi says. "As before, we're looking into the matter. They'll have to be patient."

"Have you even _met_ my team?"

ナルト

"He's late."

"I noticed."

"He's later than you. That _never_ happens."

"There's a first time for everything."

Sakura glares at her teacher, wanting more than anything to punch him. She's not sure if that's just her annoyance or some inborn reflex that's part of Sasuke's body. Either way, she hopes Sasuke arrives soon to keep her from trying something so stupid.

"Oh." Kakashi says suddenly, his visible eye widening a bit. It flits to Sakura, flashing with something that she's tempted to call panic, even if she doesn't know the reason for it. "Oh, fuck…"

"What?" she asks, following his gaze to the familiar figure of Sasuke in her body wandering toward them.

She has a few seconds of trying to figure out why his looks bother her today, and when she makes the realisation, it is as if the bottom of her stomach has dropped out. She goes absolutely still, barely aware of Kakashi's continuing murmured curses.

"I would've been on time if your mother let me out of the house," Sasuke complains to them in place of a greeting. The accusing explanation is as close to an apology as anyone has ever heard from him. "I had to wait until her back was turned."

"I can see why she didn't," Kakashi blurts out, and then clears his throat when Sakura's fists clench. "Now, Sakura…"

"My. _Hair_ ," she seethes at Sasuke, eyes fixed on the messy, chin-length monstrosity that has replaced her lovingly grown-out hair.

"Just so you know, this is the opposite of blending in," Kakashi informs Sasuke. "If Sakura's parents weren't suspicious before…"

"It's fine," Sasuke shrugs it off. "I said I saw it in a magazine and decided to try it. They seemed to buy it –"

"Are you kidding me?!" Sakura demands – but the sound comes out as a squeaky whine as Sasuke's voice cracks.

"Stop that!" Sasuke snaps, looking around lest someone be walking by to hear. This just enrages her further.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?!" Sakura screams. "I gave you specific instructions and you – just – how – why – it – _how dare you?!"_

"It's hair," Sasuke tells her slowly, like she's missing something important. "It was getting in the way, and making… _washing_ more inconvenient."

She's too angry to even get embarrassed, can only sputter in response.

"It will grow back," Sasuke goes, taking rare advantage of her incoherence. "Besides, you're a shinobi, not a princess. You ought to concentrate on improving your battle techniques instead of your looks." He shrugs. "It's not like you grew it out for some important reason."

Sakura opens her mouth and closes it several times.

She knows that he has a point about her hair – that keeping it long is an unnecessary hazard, that every lesson she's ever had on proper gear and appearance stress the importance of short hair. That only the supremely talented shinobi keep their hair long, showing that they have no fear of it being an impairment in battle.

But at the same time, her hair was _hers_. It was important _to her._ And he not only disregarded her wish for him to take care of it, but he hacked it to pieced.

It's the first truly horrible, mean-spirited act he has ever committed against her. He might be short with her, lack patience and encourage her by way of criticism, might offer her blunt truths which sting at first but which she slowly comes to see are meant to help her –

But he has never been intentionally mean or hurtful to her. And this…

This is a very personal insult, and he doesn't care.

She can see that he doesn't care, and this knowledge above everything else makes her suddenly desperate to _make_ him understand.

ナルト

Sakura suddenly turns on her heel and marches off.

"Oh, this isn't going to be good," Kakashi mutters, indicating to Sasuke that they ought to follow her. Sasuke tells himself it's because his teacher told him to, and not because the look in Sakura's borrowed eyes just now filled him with a very sharp sense of unease.

If she notices them following her, she doesn't say anything, and before long they come to one of the public training grounds. Several groups of young Academy students are spread out in the area, practicing throwing shuriken and kunai at targets nailed to the posts.

Sakura marches up to the large post right in the middle of all the groups and methodically brings out a few handfuls of shuriken.

"Huh," Sasuke snorts as he and Kakashi come to a stop several feet behind her. "Now she wants to train?"

 _If I'd known all it took was to make her mad, I'd have done it ages ago._

"I seriously doubt that's what this is," Kakashi says tensely.

The words have hardly left his mouth when, once again methodical very deliberate, Sakura begins to toss the shuriken.

And misses.

Once.

Twice –

Two dozen shuriken later, none of them have hit any part of the target.

"Wait…" Sasuke says, frowning. "What's going on? Even in my body, she should have better aim than that."

"Oh, she does," Kakashi tells him.

When her ninja tools are exhausted, Sakura stomps forward, snatches the shuriken from where they are embedded and returns to her previous position. Then, she repeats the exercise.

"She's missing on purpose," Sasuke realises. "Why?"

"Well…technically, _she_ 's not missing anything," Kakashi reminds him, and Sasuke's eyes go wide. At the same time, he notices that the lively din in the training grounds has started to go quiet as the other kids begin to take notice. There's a growing whisper around them, and the sound of chuckles behind people's hands, and it finally occurs to Sasuke what Sakura is doing.

She is very publicly torpedoing his reputation – a reputation he doesn't even really care about.

Or rather, one he told himself he was above actually caring about. Right now, watching the pointing and sniggering from a bunch of younger kids, an unfamiliar sense of panic and embarrassment fills him.

"Better hope that doesn't turn into village gossip," Kakashi muses out loud. "If it gets around that Sasuke Uchiha can't even throw a shuriken, we might not be considered for higher ranking missions in the future. Which I'm all for, because I've been meaning to catch up my reading, but –"

Sasuke isn't listening to him anymore, instead stalking forward and grabbing on to Sakura's wrist before she can throw another volley.

"You're having an off-day today, aren't you?" he says loudly, and then drags Sakura from the field.

It irritates him that it's a lot harder than usual to do, and eventually he has to stop trying even though they aren't even out of the training field. He hopes there aren't any prying eyes and ears paying attention; Kakashi lingers in the background with his hands in his pockets.

"Nothing," she snaps. "Just getting rid of something _unimportant_. I mean, you don't care what people think of you, right?"

"This is _not_ the same thing!"

"It is too! It's something that means a lot to you, right?"

"It's different from cutting hair!"

"That's not the point!" she snaps. "It's something that meant a lot to me, and I told you to take care of it, and you just…cut it all off."

"But it's _hair_ ," he protests, still not understanding. "It's not permanent, it'll grow back, so it's not important –"

"But it was to _me_!" she cries. "And I thought that you'd at least…" She trails off, swallowing and hangs her head. In a quieter voice, she murmurs, "Never mind. You never care about how people feel anyway, I don't know why I…I don't know why I thought…"

Her shoulders begin to shake, and Sasuke realises a beat later that she's really crying now.

He fights down a note of panic, not knowing what he's supposed to do, glancing around to see if anyone around is paying attention to the fact that _Sasuke Uchiha is standing there crying in public!_ He shoots Kakashi a look pleading for help, but Kakashi shrugs, looking as uncertain as him.

This isn't exactly an area either of them are comfortable in.

He clenches his fists, then frowns down at them, remembering that he's in Sakura's body. And if Sakura noticed him crying, even over something ridiculous, would she just stand there?

 _No,_ he realises.

Before he's even aware of his body moving he approaches Sakura and pulls her into a tight embrace, winding his arms around her borrowed body and fitting his head into the space of her shoulder.

"There are so many worse things in the entire world to cry about, cut hair shouldn't be one of them," he murmurs in a low voice, trying to fight off his own discomfort knowing that Kakashi is watching – knowing that the people in the training field are probably watching, too. "But…if it's important to you…I should have asked your permission first."

Sakura is tense within his hold, but a moment later relaxes against him. He hears her sniff and then clear her throat.

"Sas…" she begins, and then coughs, straightening up and pulling away. In a loud, exaggerated groan of annoyance, she says, " _Sakura_ , you're choking me."

But as she pulls away, he sees a brief flicker of a smile on her face, before she adopts scowl and stalks away from him. Sasuke watches her go, staring at the back of her borrowed neck, which is flushed with colour.

"Huh." Kakashi is looking down at him now in speculation. "Maybe there's hope for _you_ after all."

つづく

* * *

 _Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! Also, if you are in a supportive mood, check out my tumblr! Thanks for your interest in my work!_

 **クリ**


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